"Oh, what did I do to deserve this?" Amir whines into his pillow, and Jake tries not to roll his eyes.
"You know exactly what you did. You licked the open door button on the subway."
"I don't deserve this."
"You absolutely deserve this."
"I deserve so much more than this. I think that punk kid who made out with me gave me fucking mono or something."
"Do you mean the student doctor that gave you CPR after you hit your head so hard against the subway doors that you passed out?"
"Yeah, that coward bitch. I think she legit gave me mono or— or— or— or at least tetanus or something. Tinnitus or something."
"I mean, she almost definitely saved your life." Jake shakes his head, gently pressing the cold compress against Amir's forehead. "And those aren't things you can catch from mouth to mouth."
"Oh, so you can't catch mono from mouth to mouth? Then explain why you won't make out with me, mister."
"Don't call me that," Jake huffs, but he does lean down to drop a kiss onto Amir's sweaty forehead. "I'm not gonna make out with you because you're disgusting. You literally shit yourself like two hours ago, and I'm not sure if it even had anything to do with you being sick."
Amir has the audacity to shake his head, like Jake is the crazy one in this situation, but it just smushes his face further into his pillow. “This is so unfair! Now you’re just gonna refuse to makeout with me every time I shit myself?”
“Yes. Absolutely.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were such a prissy coward.”
“I am not a coward—”
“I’m sorry, you’re a prude—”
“I am not a— you shit your pants! You shit yourself, and I’m still here taking care of you. I deserve a freaking medal.”
“The congressional medal of dishonor, maybe. For your service as vice president of being a little bitch.” Amir tries to salute, but he’s so tired that he basically just hits himself in the face a bit, and it makes Jake laugh.
“Vice president?”
“Well, yeah, I’m the president, obviously, but it’s okay because I’m legit dying of the freaking mono or whatever. Which sucks, by the way, and my VP won’t even kiss me. That’s gotta be, like, unconstitutional, I think.”
Jake rolls his eyes, and presses a kiss to Amir’s mouth, enjoying the way he finally shut up and just kisses back for a second, his hand loosely pawing at the stubble under Jake’s chin. Jake can feel him sigh, body relaxing.
“There,” he pulls back, leaning back in his chair perched next to Amir’s side of the bed, “do you feel better now?”
Amir is fully asleep, snoring loudly, and Jake just shakes his head with a smile, already knowing deep down that he’s gonna get so fucking sick.