Winter in Stardew Valley is beautiful; the snow brings out the sparkle in Pelican Town that’s easy to lose sight of during the non-stop grind of the year. There’s something in the air this time of year, the cold winter offering a break from the intense workload of a farming town, and the usually sleepy town succumbs even further to its comfortable hibernation.
It’s beautiful.
It’s boring.
Alex doesn't know what possessed him to come down here. He never comes down here. He has no reason to wander into Cindersnap forest, but it's winter; he's bored and restless and jonesing for something to do.
He stops dead in his tracks when he sees him. Fucking Shane Hunter of all people, sat at the edge of the pier, halfway through a six-pack. It doesn't surprise Alex that he's drinking; Shane is always drinking. It does surprise him to see him here though, in the forest. Shane always seemed the sort of person that only went three places; work, the saloon, then his bed, if he even made it that far.
But there he was, beer in hand, dangling his feet off the edge of the pier in all his grubby glory.
He can't help but stare at him, a little.
The first time Alex can remember seeing Shane Hunter was the summer after he first moved in with his grandparents. He was twelve years old, and Shane was fifteen, almost old enough to drive but young enough that his parents still controlled how he spent his Summer vacation (their answer? Helping his Aunt Marnie tend to her ranch in Pelican Town). His hair was bleached badly, a shitty home dye job that Shane obviously did himself, his dark roots starting to peek through where it was pulled back in a ponytail out of his face. Alex thought it made it made him look cool, at the time, though in hindsight it just made him look like a douchebag.
Shane always seemed so cool. He was always doing cool tricks with his soccer ball, and he hung out with a girl (sure, Haley's sister was weird , but she was still a girl). He was great at video games and had the side of his head shaved. Alex would give anything to be him.
He and Emily would hang out in the saloon even though they were underage (Alex's grandparents never let him go to the saloon. They said he was too young, which, obviously, but still). He could hear them from out by Dusty’s pen, giggling and swearing, playing the arcade games that reminded him of his mother.
It’s not that he doesn't want to be Shane's friend, but Alex isn't good at making friends. Shane is a good few years older than him, but in a town this small there's barely anyone that isn't a few years off his age. The problem is more that Alex is shy. He’s not made many friends since coming to live in town, and every time he tries he can just hear his fathers voice in his head, over and over and over again.
Who would want to be friends with a stupid loser like you?
Shane was cool. Shane dyed his hair. Shane had a nose ring and an eyebrow piercing. Shane didn't have his fathers voice in his head telling him how worthless he was.
Shane was amazing.
“Take a picture,” he shouts, jolting Alex out of his thoughts, “it'll last longer.”
He blinks, startled back to reality, but by the time he registers Shane talking to him he’s already staring back out over the lake, brooding while he sips his beer.
“Uh. Sorry.” He shouts back, hoping his voice reaches the other man clearly. He doesn't move his feet; he can't bring himself to either approach or retreat.
Shane doesn't respond, already back to sipping casually on his beer, looking gloomy while he pointedly avoids looking in Alex’s direction. For some reason, Alex can't bring himself to leave. He's never seen Shane out here, like this. It feels oddly intimate in a way that is strangely compelling. Like he's seeing a sliver of the real Shane; the man behind the mask.
“Um.” He says, wanting to say more but not quite knowing how to start. “It's Shane, right?”
It’s a stupid opening, because of course he knows it’s Shane. They went to highschool together. He’s lived in town for a good few months now, and word gets around about a guy like Shane in such a small town.
Shane’s glare is searing, but it doesn't stop Alex from finally gaining momentum, walking up to the pier where the other man is sitting. “I barely know you. Why are you talking to me?”
The least approachable guy in Stardew Valley.
Alex shrugs, an easy smile on his face. Shane Hunter is probably the least charmable guy in the world, but if anyone has a shot, Alex figures it's probably him. “You seemed lonely. Thought you might want some company.”
Shane rolls his eyes. “You thought wrong.”
That doesn't stop Alex from dropping down next to Shane, tossing his gridball behind him and swinging his legs, almost scraping the water's surface. He'd never really noticed before, but Shane was at least half a foot shorter than him, maybe more. Huh.
“What are you doing?” Shane groans, still refusing to make eye contact, sipping on his beer as if Alex weren't even there.
“I'm just enjoying this great weather, Shane.”
He stays quiet, and for a second Alex thinks that maybe Shane is just going to keep ignoring him, but then he pulls another beer from his sixer and holds it out in his direction.
"Here," he says, voice deep and hesitant, "have a cold one."
"Thanks." Alex smiles at him, taking the moment of eye contact as a win, before popping the tab on the can. He doesn't drink, usually. It's not good for his strength training regime, but one should be fine.
Shane shrugs. "Don't mention it."
The first sip is largely unpleasant; the shitty Joja own brand beer tastes like piss, but it's somehow still ice cold, and after a few mouthfuls, Alex starts to feel it seeping into his bones. Wow, I am a lightweight.
"So," he starts, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath of the cool evening air, "what are you drinking out here for?"
He doesn't know if Shane is going to answer. He's not the most talkative guy at the best of times, and Alex thinks this might be the closest thing to a conversation the two of them have ever had, but he's got the ball rolling now, and something about Shane is fascinating. The mystery, maybe. Or maybe it's just the thrill of seeing what nobody else does, everyone else far too off put by the man's prickly demeanor.
Either way, Alex doesn't want to leave yet.
"Buh..." Shane shakes his head slightly, eyes fixed on the point where the trees meet the sky. "Life."
Alex nods, even though Shane isn't looking. "I get that."
Shane hums an acknowledgement, still staring out across the lake, and just when Alex thinks he's not going to say anything more, he starts talking.
"You ever feel like, no matter what you do, you're gonna fail?" His voice is soft, just barely louder than a whisper, and Alex can't help but wonder what it is that Shane is actually going through. "Like you're stuck in some miserable abyss, and you're so deep you can't even see the light of day?"
Alex shrugs. "No." He says, because he doesn't really know what the fuck Shane is talking about.
"Fuck you." Shane says, finishing another can and crushing it in his hand. "You don't get it. You're so stupid perfect. You don't know what it's like to be a fuck up."
Alex can't help it, he starts laughing. Shane looks even more pissed off than he did before, narrowing his eyes as Alex struggles to control his giggles.
"What!?"
"I- I cannot believe-" He wheezes, and Shane shoots a stare at him, "I cannot believe Shane Hunter just called me perfect. It's like a weird twist of fate."
Shane glare stays, but it softens slight as he opens another can. "What'dya mean?"
Alex shakes his head, sipping his beer. "You were always the golden boy, man. I used to break my back to get people to notice me over you. I still do."
"Heh," Shane laughs, bitter. "Yeah, I suppose that is funny."
There's a long drawn out pause, where they both just sit and stare into the lake, watching the reflection of the stars dance across the water. Alex casts a glimpse across at Shane, taking in the way the moonlight brushes his features, just gently enough to make his eyes sparkle against the shadows. His eyes linger on his lips, for a moment, and when he catches his eyes again, Shane is looking straight at him, an unreadable look on his face.
Fuck-
Alex, for lack of anything better to do, chugs his whole can in one.
"Heh, fast drinker huh?" Shane nods, and Alex finally gets to see him smile, soft and gentle in the moonlight. "Man after my own heart."
He doesn't have the heart to tell him he can already feel it rushing to his head, the world gaining a soft, fuzzy glow.
"Don't make it a habit." He mumbles, and Alex doesn't even have the presence of mind to hide his doe eyed stare anymore. "You got a future ahead of you still."
Alex can't take his eyes off him. He's never been this close to Shane, really. He's always been vaguely in awe of him from afar, like he was an extra in a movie about Shane's life.
"So do you."
Shane smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, tight lipped and melancholy. Alex knows what that's like. He's done enough smiling through the pain in his own life to know that Shane didn't take it to heart. He doesn't believe he has a future.
"Welp, my livers begging me to stop." He says suddenly, reaching for the pile of empties next to him as he pulls himself to his feet. "Better call it a night."
“Yeah, sure.” Alex can’t help but feel like he’s done something wrong, like he’s played the wrong card and now the game is over. He’s blown his one and only chance to finally figure Shane out, after all these years. Fuck. “Good talk, bro.”
That earns another faint chuckle out of Shane, and it nearly takes Alex’s breath away, the way his eyes sparkle when he smiles. The realisation hits Alex all at once that he’s still fucking perfect, even if he’s different now. Huh.
Shane turns to leave, hands full of the empty remains of his six pack, but stops after a few steps, turning to see Alex over his shoulder. It’s most likely because he’s still drunk, but the direct eye contact is dizzying.
“See you around, Alex.”
By the time Alex can even parse the words, Shane’s back inside his house, and Alex is alone, the biting chill of the winter air all the more obvious now that Shane wasn’t here to distract him anymore.
He remembers Shane in the graduating class, staff (and girls ) gushing over him leaving the valley to go to some fancy university somewhere in East Ferngill, absolutely fucking over the moon about him getting his veterinary science degree. He got a full scholarship thanks to his years on the gridball team, and was presumably going to end up turning pro at some point. The first professional gridball player from Stardew Valley, everybody gushed.
Alex hates the jealousy that claws its way up his throat at the thought, sour and burning in the pit of his stomach. The ghost of his dad's voice echoes in his ears like it always does at times like these, telling him things he already knows. Shane is successful because he’s smart. Shane can read books and play gridball. That’s why people like Shane; he’s smart, and cute, and interesting.
Shane was their fucking golden boy.
Which is why when, six months later, the rumour starts swirling around that Shane has dropped out of college for seemingly no reason, people are captivated.
The run in with Shane plays on Alex’s mind over the rest of the week.
He wasn't one to dwell on things, usually, but for some reason he couldn't get what Shane had said out of his mind. Couldn't forget the way Shane had looked, tipsy and tousled in the moonlight.
Shane walks past his house twice a day, on his way to work early in the morning and on his way to the saloon at night. Alex is usually training, working on his gridball drills and strength for when he turns pro, so he's never given too much thought to the way Shane slumps past, hood up and eyes glued to the ground. He looks miserable every time Alex sees him.
He doesn't say hi. He's not sure why it matters, and he's certain Shane isn't expecting it, but he thinks maybe he should. He feels like maybe he owes it to him, in some roundabout way. Shane shared something with him that night by the pier; he was more open and honest than Alex has seen in years, and he has a feeling Shane doesn't do a lot of opening up to his family and friends.
Friend, Alex reminds himself, sourly. Emily is still the only non-relative in the Valley Shane tolerates. One interaction doesn’t make them fucking friends.
Alex knows that.
He does.
Even as a small part of himself yearns to get close to Shane again, to hear him talk more about shit Alex barely understands. There's just something so captivating about him. The fascination of a person's downfall, maybe. Watching the mighty fall.
Alex doesn't even believe this as he tells himself it. Shane might have fallen on tough times, but whatever it is that makes him so utterly captivating- he's always had it. As far back as he can remember, he's been enchanted by Shane. He wants Shane to like him (granted, he wants everyone to like him. Probably a holdover from the fact that his father doesn't). He wants Shane to think that he's cool, and fascinating, and worth being friends with.
He wants Shane to like him so badly that he can't bear to think about why.
Alex visits the beach every single day in Summer, and yet he still shows up to the Night Market far too early, underestimating the time it would take to get to the beach from his house. He’s already scanning around for something to do to burn time when he spots Shane sitting in the sand, his daughter a few feet away. Jas looks happy, building an elaborate sand castle and chattering away to Shane as she works, while Shane just watches her, smiling in a way Alex has never seen him look before. He looks soft. Content, maybe. Something in Alex’s heart aches, though he’s not entirely sure why.
He doesn’t really want to interrupt, but the vendors still aren’t ready so there’s nothing else for him to do, and once Jas stops chattering he takes his opportunity to swoop in and steal the conversation.
“Hi, Shane.”
Shane squints up at him, shielding his eyes against the setting sun. “Hey, Alex.”
There's a long pause where Alex assumes Shane is going to say something more, but he doesn't. Just looks up at him, waiting. Jas has continued to play with her sandcastle, only sparing a cursory glance over to the adults to check what they're up to.
Alex looks around, feeling awkward. "Uh- Can I sit?"
Shane gestures to the sand next to him, affirmative, and Alex flops down, gridball resting on his lap. The hustle and bustle of the market was starting to really kick into gear; while most of the vendors have been here all day, the rest are starting to arrive, chatting amicably amongst themselves as they set up.
He gestures with a nod towards the pier. "Excited for the market?"
"Sure." He says, nodding leisurely and taking a swig from a small metal flask. He's always fucking drinking.
Small talk with Shane is new territory, and he is difficult to have a full conversation with. Alex just tries to remind himself that it's progress that Shane will even tolerate his small talk. "Yeah. It's always nice to get out and do something."
"Would be nicer if we could afford anything." Shane nods, but he looks happy to be out, watching Jas play make believe.
Alex smiles. It's nice seeing Shane like this. Like he's actually happy for once. "What about the mermaid show? Are you gonna see it?"
Jas looks up then, as if the conversation has finally caught her attention. Shane laughs. "Someone is a little too young for the mermaid show."
From the look of Jas’s pout, this is a conversation they’ve had a lot, and Alex giggles watching her stare Shane down.
“Uh- You like mermaids?” Alex asks. He's not used to interacting with children. He's pretty sure it shows.
Jas startles, like she wasn't expecting Alex to address her, and he's pretty sure he's screwed up somehow if the way she hides her face behind her sandcastle is any indication. She cowers for a few seconds, and Alex almost apologises when Shane awkwardly chimes in from beside him.
"Don't worry about Jas. She's just shy."
Alex nods, not feeling any better. "Right. Uh, sorry."
He spots Jodie and her family arriving on the sand from the town, and Jas perks back up when she spots Vincent tagging awkwardly behind his brother. Sam is talking to him animatedly, so engrossed in his own story that he doesn't even notice Vincent disappearing from his spot behind him to run towards Jas' impressive sand castle.
Alex doesn't mind Sam. The guy has some really weird friends, but he was in the same class as Alex all through highschool, and he's okay. He helped Alex a lot with his reading, and never made fun of him for it. He never asked about his parents, though he suspected it was largely because Sam wanted to talk about his own dad about as much as Alex did. He likes the sound of his own voice, sure, but Alex knows he isn't really one to talk when it comes to acts of narcissism.
Jodie carries on towards the pier, but Sam jolts when he hears Vincent's voice from across the beach, and when he turns he catches Alex's eye. Sam smiles, waves, and shoots Vincent a finger gun before turning back around to catch up with his mom.
It takes Alex a second to wave back, and by the time he's shooting Sam a smile the other boy has already turned away. Vincent is pulling Jas by the wrist towards the pier, now lit and playing the soft notes of the tune only played this time of year. When Alex turns to look back at Shane, the other man's eyes are already on him.
"Aren't you gonna go with your friend?" He asks, dropping his gaze.
Alex hesitates. "He's- He's not my friend, really. I just know him."
He nods slowly, like he didn't expect that. It's weird how oblivious Shane seems to the town dynamics. For all the time he spends surrounded by locals in the saloon, he doesn't seem to have picked up much about the townsfolk.
Alex just shrugs, feeling, against logic, like he's done something wrong. "He was in my class in highschool. Plus I just... see him around."
"Huh." Shane is still nodding, brow furrowed. Alex can't quite figure out what he's thinking. "I guess everyone knows everyone around here."
The mood around Shane is always tense, but now is one of those moments that seem to happen a lot around Shane where Alex feels like he is quite severely missing the point. Shane is watching Jas run off with Vincent, laughing and squealing, eyes vaguely glazed over, like he's deep in thought. The kids are a fair distance away now, noisy and out of earshot enough that Alex finally feels like he can ask the question that's been burning through his mind all week.
“So, you, uh-“ Alex pauses, unsure how to broach the subject. “You doin’ okay, bro?”
It takes a second for Shane to look at him, blinking himself back into reality. He shrugs. "Whatdya mean?"
Alex catches his eye, looking away after a second. The eye contact seems far too personal right now. "What you were saying, the other night- are you okay?"
He has the audacity to laugh, bitter and jaded, like he's embarrassed Alex would even ask. "No. Obviously."
"Do- do you wanna... talk about it?"
"With you?"
Alex bristles, eyebrows furrowing. "Hey, why not with me?"
"Don't act like you give a shit, Alex." Shane bites. He pulls his flask out again, taking a swig.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Shane just shrugs, looking off into the distance. "You've never cared before."
There's a long pause, and Alex considers just leaving Shane in the sand on his own. It's easy to see why he's not made many friends amongst the locals when his attitude is so fucking laissez-faire about everything.
Alex takes a deep breath. Hold. Release. Take another one. He doesn't want to snap at Shane. "You don't know me, man. You don't know what I care about."
"You don't know me either. You don't want to. No one does. No one wants to see what ol' Shane is really like."
“Fuck, man, you are so bitter.”
My dad was just like you, he doesn't say.
“Bitter,” Shane says with a cynical laugh, shaking his head. “You have no idea. You have no idea how hard it is-”
“What is?”
“Life, man! You still live with your parents and throw a football around all day. I wish I could do that. It's like you never left highschool.”
Alex scoffs. "Just because you peaked in highschool, dude, doesn't mean I did."
Shane laughs, bitter, shaking his head. "I fucking hated highschool, man."
Alex frowns, brow furrowing. “What, being popular and cool and successful didn’t make you happy?”
“Does it make you happy?” Shane snaps.
Alex thinks for a second, trying to understand Shane’s question. “Well- Yeah. Obviously. Am I missing something?”
Shane frowns, eyes fixed on Alex like they’re trying to figure him out; as if he’s talking in riddles Shane can't solve.
He’s not that stupid; he can tell that somehow, they’re getting their wires crossed. Somewhere in this conversation they’re fundamentally misunderstanding each other, stating truths they see as obvious but contradicting each other.
“What’s wrong with being popular and successful?”
Shane blinks at him, frowning like the answer is so obvious that he doesn’t know how to articulate it. “Nothing’s wrong with it.”
The moment stretches on for a second too long, Shane looking like he wants to say something more but never opening his mount. Alex sighs. Talking to Shane is exhausting. “So why wouldn’t it make you happy?”
He’s quiet, staring intently into the sand, brow furrowed. He looks so much older like this; Alex knows Shane is only three years older than him, but he looks weary, like he’s too tired for his own good.
"I don't think I've ever been happy." He says, and Alex can't tear his eyes away from him, even though Shane's stare is fixed firmly on Jas, building in the sand. "Not even back then. I'm..."
He trails off, hesitating. Alex has never been good at this, never been particularly skillful when it comes to dealing with other people's feelings, but he tries to think back to what makes him feel better when he's vulnerable, and shakily reaches out a hand, resting it on Shane's knee. Shane finally turns to look at him, and he's got that look in his eyes again, the one Alex can't describe but can feel all the way in his bones.
"I'm... broken, Alex. I'm too fucked up. My brain doesn't work properly." He looks back over to Jas, who seems to have finished her castle and is now coming up with characters to populate her little world. "I'm not even sure I'm capable of being happy. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm not strong enough."
Alex hesitates. He is aware that he has a penchant to make situations like this worse, rather than better. He tries his best to go for comforting, and tries not to worry too much about missing the mark. "That's not true, bro. You'll find it. You just gotta take your time."
Shane looks doubtful, and Alex isn't sure what to say to convince him that things are going to end up okay if he just gives them a chance. He doesn't really get it, and he's pretty sure Shane can tell, but he wants to understand.
Maybe the best he can do is help Shane forget.
"Hey, bro, you used to play gridball, right?" He says, like he isn't intimately aware of Shane's gridball history.
Shane narrows his eyes. "Yeah?"
"What'dya say we toss the ball around?"
Alex held Shane’s gaze, unwavering.
“You serious?”
"Of course, man!" He grins, slapping Shane's arm. "There's no cure for the blues like gridball!"
Shane shakes his head. "I haven't touched a gridball in years."
"Come on!" Alex smiles. Maybe if he can engage with Shane through this, they can at least be on the same page. "I'll try my best not to make you look like a chump, but no promises."
Shane still looks unsure, but Alex jumps to his feet, scooping up the gridball with him and tossing it into the air. Hes already putting some distance between them by the time Shane pulls himself to his feet.
“Hey, go long!” Alex shouts, although he's already on the move. Shane shakes his head, but Alex thinks he might be smiling, so maybe this is worth it.
He chucks the ball over to Shane with little warning, expertly spinning it through the air, with dart-like accuracy he hopes Shane will be impressed by. Shane catches it, stumbling, and then throws it back in a tall arch. It's far from effortless; the years of no training and diet of booze and pizza mean he's not as good as he used to be, but Alex can see remnants of good form and professional technique he's sure Shane had drilled into him when he was training for varsity. It's impressive, and weirdly intimate, seeing this shred of the old Shane.
Shane’s reflexes are good, but he's out of practice, and it's only a matter of time before Alex puts too much spin on a toss and the ball bounces right out of Shane’s hands. He tries not to look smug, but beating Shane Hunter in a gridball toss would’ve made highschool Alex cream his pants, and he's pretty sure it shows.
He won't be a dick about it, though. Mostly.
“Heh... nice try.”
He picks up the ball from where it bounced out of his grip, dusting off the sand with his fingers. "I guess we can't all be as good as you, huh?"
“Well, I train a lot. I’m going to be the first professional gridball player from Stardew Valley.”
Shane smirks. It's not an expression Alex has ever seen on him before, but he likes it. “They used to say that about me, you know.”
“Huh. No way.” Alex says, knowing full well that they used to say that. Everyone did.
Shane just shrugs, like he actually believes Alex is hearing this now for the first time. “It's not as easy as it sounds, going pro.”
“I already led my school's team to the regional playoffs.”
“High school or college?” Shane asks, tossing the gridball up into the air, letting it fall back into Alex's hands.
He can't help but bristle at the mention of college. He suppresses his fathers voice in his head telling him he’s too stupid for any school worth going to. “Uh- High school.”
Shane nods. “Okay. How many years ago was that?”
Alex tosses his gridball in the air, catching it with ease as it plummets back into his grip. He knows exactly how many years it's been. Of course he does. He feels every day that passes pushing down on him like a weight, and he throws that drive into his training. He tosses the ball back to Shane, hoping it distracts him.
"I want to be the best I can be before going pro. I’m just training and getting strong so I can claim my spot on the roster of the Zuzu City Tunnelers."
Shane nods, brow furrowed, thinking. "You sure?"
"There’s no doubt in my mind. You'll see. You just wait."
Shane holds his hands up in surrender. "I hope you do. There's too much fucking despair in this town."
Alex nods. He knows exactly what Shane means. No one in Pelican Town is here by choice.
Jas squeals from somewhere over by the ocean, and Shane jolts instinctively, like he's been electrified into action. He softens when he sees her, running with Vincent, beckoning him over to explore the now open floating market.
Shane smiles, soft and genuine, and Alex feels his breath leave his lungs as if he's been punched in the gut.
He's pretty sure Shane must notice, but if he does, he thankfully doesn't say anything.
"I better get goin'." He says slowly, and if Alex didn't know better he'd think Shane was reluctant to leave. "Jas likes to pretend she's a tour guide and show me around the market, and I'd hate to disappoint her."
He seems, counter to everything Alex knows about him, completely genuine.
It's a side to Shane he's never seen before; the doting father. He had assumed Shane would be a lot like his own father, and he was, outwardly; bitter, malicious, drunk. Everyone in the town bore the brunt of Shane's resentment. Everyone, seemingly, apart from his daughter.
Shane continued to be a mystery to Alex, and he wished he could put the pieces together and figure him out.
"Sure, bro." Alex nods, trying very hard to look normal. "See you around."
Shane nods. He tosses the grid all up one more time, catching it in one hand before offering it out to Alex. "Thanks for the catch."
His hand brushes Shane's rough fingers and he tries not to linger even though instinct tells him to make the most of this moment of physical contact. He plays it off like he's readjusting his grip on the ball, but Shane has always felt so incredibly distant that he feels like he might never get this close again.
Shane shoots him a tight smile and an awkward nod before turning to amble over in Jas' direction. Alex watches him, praying he doesn't turn around and catch him staring but also hoping that he does .
Haley startles him when she speaks, close enough to thread her arm through his.
"Were you just talking to Shane Hunter?"
"Yeah." Alex mumbles, distracted, eyes still glued to Shane's back.
Haley tilts her head, eyes narrowed. Alex doesn't realise she's watching him stare until she scoffs. "Why?"
He takes a second, eyes darting back to Shane, brow furrowed. He doesn't really know why he's trying so hard with Shane. He just feels drawn to him, inexplicably pulled towards him like he's a planet in Shane's orbit. And Shane- he's a star, he's a black hole, he's the sun, he's everything Alex ever wanted and everything he's afraid he'll become. He's all of those things, and yet he's so achingly human that Alex just wants to reach out and touch him. Feel the warmth of his skin; let Shane feel the presence of him. He's so close yet so infinitely distant, and maybe it's just the wanting to see what no one else can; maybe his boring life has him wanting whatever he can't have. He doesn't know.
All he knows is that he feels the loss of Shane's hand against his all the way down to his bones.
"I thought he might pass out and die and ruin the market." He says instead, because he doesn't know how to vocalise any of what he's going through.
Haley giggles like he's just told a great joke, and starts walking him towards the boardwalk.
He doesn't get home until after midnight, exhausted, and when he closes his eyes, all he can see is Shane's smile.
“Oh, aren’t you excited, dear?”
Haley giggles, wiping her forehead with her wrist, trying not to get flour in her hair from where it coats her hands. "For the Feast of the Winter Star, or for these cookies?"
Alex laughs from his spot next to her, continuing to roll out dough on the tabletop.
"For the Winter Star feast of course!"
Hayley laughs. "Honestly, Granny, I think I'm more excited for these cookies."
Grandma gasps, almost dropping the sack of flour she was in the process of returning to it's rightful place in the cupboard.
Winter Star is a difficult time of year for the Mullners. More than ever, the hole left in the family by the loss of Alex’s mother can be felt like it was still a fresh wound, but over the years the pain has eased somewhat. Alex still struggles around this time, stuck between blaming himself and cursing his shitbag father, wherever he is.
Granny still enjoys any time of year that involves making cookies, even though, for her, every season is cookie season. When Winter Star rolls around and she tasks herself with baking enough cookies to feed all of Pelican Town she needs extra hands to help, and every year she uses it as an excuse to try and force some holiday cheer onto Alex and Haley. They only agree because it's her birthday, and she doesn't ask for much, and also, well, because they love her.
They enjoy it, for the most part. Alex misses his mom, a lot and often, but he's grateful for the family he does have. Haley has been his best friend for about a decade; she’s as much a part of his family as his grandparents at this point, and is the closest thing to a sibling that he has. Haley doesn't have much family of her own, anyway. Her relationship with her sister is tumultuous at best, though they still generally care about each other. Alex isn't sure the same can be said about her parents. They’ve been gone for the last two years travelling the world, but weren't particularly present even before that. Haley doesn't know when they're coming back, although she's said on more than one occasion that she thinks they might just not. Aside from sending them a generous allowance to live on from whatever hefty bank account their old business ventures secured for them, the Mitchell’s seem content to live the rest of their lives trying as hard as possible to forget they ever had kids.
Alex is still frantically mixing the wet ingredients with a fork that is not fit for purpose, when he hears his grandpa open the front door.
“George!” Grandma rushes to meet him at the door, and he’s smiling wide, even as he brushes the snow off his collar.
He hears her gasp, and ditches his cookie dough to go and see what the commotion is all about, Haley following close behind him. He feels her rub her hands up and down the span of his back and giggle, and he doesn't need to look to know that she just wiped flour all over the back of his shirt.
“Haley! ” He hisses, which just makes her giggle more, and she’s already rushing away by the time Alex spins around to yell at her.
“Kids!” Grandpa shouts from the living room, just as they stop in the doorway. “Go grab your presents.”
Haley goes into his room and comes back with two wrapped boxes, handing him the one wrapped in pastel blue paper. Haley wrapped them both; Alex isn’t very good at wrapping presents, but Haley has an eye for the creative that means things always look better when she’s in charge of them.
They round the corner into the living room, and Granny is sitting down, eagerly waiting while Grandpa hides his gift behind his back.
Alex hands her his gift, watches her unwrap it with careful hands. It’s a DVD copy of The Zuzu City Express, remastered for a theatrical release that they didn't have to money or transport links to go see, but he hopes this will do. It’s a secondhand copy, but Granny doesnt seem to mind, and she gasps with a wide smile when she sees the cover. It's one of her favourite movies, and about a million years old, but she never asks to use the TV and she looks so happy as she glances over to their DVD player. It makes it worth having to sit through the movie (even though Alex secretly doesn't mind it. It's kind of fun).
Haley hands her the bouquet of fairy roses that Emily’s girlfriend from the desert ordered for them, along with her own present, in a much more elegantly wrapped box, a silver ribbon shining in a perfectly tied bow. She unwraps it slowly, and once she opens the box, she slips the silver chain around her wrist, smiling at the small silver clouds with a diamond set in the middle. Granny looks up at Haley with tears in her eyes, and holds out a hand to her, which Haley takes.
“It’s absolutely beautiful, Haley.” She whispers, and Haley is beaming. "Oh, I'm so happy."
She holds out her other hand to Alex and he takes it, feigning reluctance, but they all know he would do anything for his grandma.
Grandpa clears his throat behind them, and they break apart, giving him room to wheel himself between them and present Granny with her gift. He gets her the same thing every year, he has ever since they were first married; a small bouquet of beets, tied with a red ribbon around the stems. Alex doesn't get it, but his grandma gasps, tearfully, holding them close to her chest. She does this every year, but they both look so happy in the moment that Alex decided a decade ago that he didn't need to understand.
“You’re all so good to me.” Grandma says, eyes wide and full of tears. Alex smiles at her, and she reaches out to pat his arm, gleaming. “Now, let's get back to those cookies.”
She stands up, heading back to the kitchen, and Haley follows close behind her.
“Son,” His grandpa says as he’s walking away. “Come talk to me for a second.”
Alex glances at Haley, who's snickering like she thinks he's in trouble, which, to be fair, he probably is. He sighs, and sits down in one of the living room chairs.
"Alex, my boy," he starts, face sour. He takes a deep breath, looking over to where Haley was helping Grandma cut out the next batch of cookies in the kitchen, and Alex turns to try and figure out what he sees. After a long pause, he places a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Son, time moves faster than you think. Before you know it, you'll be old. You don't want to get to be old like me and then realise you let a good thing slip away because you waited too long."
Alex can't help the way his brow furrows at the declaration. He has no idea what has brought this on, but he has a weird feeling that maybe he's talking about Shane. "What's that supposed to mean, Grandpa?"
He sighs, like Alex is being purposefully dense, and nods his head in the direction of the kitchen, where Grandma and Haley were still giggling over cookie dough. "Haley, son." He pauses and Alex looks over to her, her pink apron covered with flour and her tongue poking out of her mouth as she tries to carefully shape a cookie creation. It makes Alex smile, seeing his fashion conscious best friend happy in his kitchen, covered head to toe in flour. How she manages to do such a messy job, he has no idea, but he loves her enough that the sight makes him smile regardless.
Grandpa seems to take this as some kind of confirmation. "If you wait too long, son, even the best ones will slip away. Don't miss your chance to be with someone you have a connection with because of fear."
"Haley?" Alex mumbles, confused. He suddenly feels like he's not following this conversation at all. "She's my best friend."
He nods, gravely, like he and Alex were on the same page. "Yes, and if you want her to be something more, you better make a move, son. Girls don't wait forever, Alex "
"Oh," Alex says, simultaneously relieved and disappointed, which, okay, is weird. "I thought you were talking about Shane."
It takes him a second to realise that not only is this obviously the wrong thing to say, but it's also absolutely crazy. Why would he bring up Shane, of all people? He's not even sure his Grandpa has ever met Shane. Why does Alex even want to talk about Shane? Why can't he stop thinking about Shane fucking Hunter?
Grandpa looks, as expected, baffled. "Who?"
"Uh— Shane Hunter? He works at the Joja Mart."
Grandpa looks reasonably confused, and Alex isn't sure how to justify bringing up Shane other than desperately wanting to talk about Shane all the time. Grandpa just nods, brow still furrowed, confusion evident but clearly attempting to follow what Alex is saying. "Ah, yes. Marnie's boy?"
Alex nods, and reasonably, that could be the end of that. Shane Hunter, Marnie's nephew. Everything is cleared up.
Alex keeps talking.
"Yeah, he lives on Marnie's ranch with his daughter. I went to highschool with him."
Grandpa furrows his eyebrows, and Alex doesn't know why he even started this in the first place. “Why are you friends with him? He seems surly. Not your usual type.”
“I’m not friends with him, not really.” Alex mumbles. “I just talk to him sometimes, when I see him around.”
George shakes his head.”I don’t know about that boy, son. I’d stay away from him.”
He shrugs. “He’s not so bad.”
“He certainly likes a drink.” George grumbles. “You don’t want to be gettin’ mixed up with the likes of him.”
Alex nods, mouth going dry. “It doesn't matter. I barely know the guy.”
Haley squeals from the kitchen, squeaking about having spilled something slimy on her shoes, and Alex takes that as his queue to leave this conversation. “I gotta go, Grandpa. I’ll, uh— I’ll think about what you said.”
“Why were you talking about Shane Hunter before?” Haley asks, painting her nails a frosty blue to match her winter coat.
Alex just shrugs. He's genuinely not sure why he keeps talking about Shane, all he knows is that he can't stop. “I was talking to him before, at the night market. I’ve been thinking about him.”
Haley pulls a face, something between confused and disgusted, and looks up from her nails to try and read him. “Thinking about him?”
“Yeah,” Alex nods, trying to make it seem as nonchalant as possible, “I used to look up to him in highschool. It’s weird.”
“Oh, it’s definitely weird.” Haley says, setting down her nail polish to fully focus her attention on Alex. “It’s weird that you're being so obsessive about this.”
She’s right, Alex knows. There's no reason for him to keep bringing Shane Hunter up in conversation, no reason that he should be thinking about him every time his mind wasn’t occupied with something else. No reason for him to be lying awake at night remembering the way Shane smiles, or the way his hand felt against Alex’s for the brief moment of contact they had.
He knows that he shouldn’t be thinking about Shane this much, he just can’t figure out why.
“Yeah, well,” He starts, attempting to come up with anything to explain himself, “I guess I just feel bad for the guy.”
Haley nods, considering. “I guess so. It’s sad that he’s ended up so... gross. He used to be kind of cute.”
“Yeah.” Alex realises a second too late that he just admitted he thought Shane was cute, and his eyes must betray the panic, because Haley just laughs. “I don't mean I thought he was cute, I just—”
“Oh please, Alex,” Haley giggles, “it’s not the nineties. You can say a guy is cute without having to be like, ‘oh, no homo, bro’.”
Alex laughs at her poor imitation of his voice, and throws a pillow from his bed at her, which she bats away easily with the hand that doesn't have wet nails. “I know, I know. It's not like I thought you meant he was cute cute, either.”
She nods, turning back to paint her other hand. “Obviously.” She chimes in a tuneful voice. “No one here is interested in boys.”
He bristles and gets a sudden, unexpected urge to tell her that she's wrong, though the feeling is gone almost as soon as he registers it. Weird.
“Obviously.” He echos, though Haley has already started focusing on her nails instead of him.
They both jump up when they hear the knock at the door.
Lewis looks over when he hears Alex’s bedroom door open, and grins at them when they emerge into the living room. “Alex! Haley! How are you kids doing?”
Lewis has his hands full of a big stack of letters, and is already handing his grandparents their envelopes. Haley smiles at him in a way that Alex knows is fake, but Lewis seems convinced by, and he follows right behind her, raising his hand in a wave. He and Haley have always been good at pretending.
“Mayor Lewis!” Haley chimes. “Have you brought us our letters?”
He chuckles, and searches through his stack of mail until he pulls out two letters, handing them both to Haley, who reads the names on them quickly before passing one to Alex.
“Thanks Mayor Lewis.” Alex says, smiling. “Have a good day!”
He knows his grandma is glaring at him for being rude, but he doesn’t want to spend his afternoon standing in his doorway talking to the mayor. Alex mostly thinks Lewis is a dick, but at least the man knows how to put together a festival.
Alex can tell Haley is right behind him, and she slams the door as soon as they're back in his room. He’s already tearing into his letter, and Haley throws herself down on his bed as she tears into hers as well.
“Well?” Alex asks, turning to her. His eyes are still skimming his letter, trying desperately to parse the words. Shit, he wishes he could read better.
Haley pauses for a second, eyes moving frantically over the pages. “I've got— ugh, I’ve got Penny. She's so weird.”
"Can you—"
“Okay, okay.” She grabs his letter, skimming it quickly before she starts laughing. “You got Emily! Ew.”
Emily. Emily was easy. He’s known Emily for well over a decade, and she’s super easy to buy presents for. She’s been complaining for weeks about fabric being hard to get in the Valley, and there are only so many trips out into Zuzu City they can make with the bus out of order.
Haley is still rolling her eyes. “Good luck with that. Just get her something weird.”
“I’ll figure something out.” He nods. Haley is still looking down at her letter, biting her lip like she always does when she's thinking.
"What does Penny even like?"
Alex shrugs. "She likes ice cream?"
Haley rolls her eyes. "Everyone likes ice cream. That's all you seem to know about anyone."
"I only ever talk to Penny when I'm selling her ice cream!" He laughs. "I don't know that much about her. Can't you ask Sam?"
"Why would I ask Sam?"
"Because they're like, best friends or whatever." Haley furrows her eyebrows, and Alex chuckles. "He literally lives next door to you. Do you not pay attention to anyone in this town?"
Haley giggles and slaps his arm. "Of course not!"
He wakes up early on the morning of Winter Star, his body clock set from years of waking up early for his training, but he allows himself to stay in bed and stare up at the ceiling for a little while. It’s not like him. He's usually up as soon as his eyes open, ready to lift weights and toss his gridball around, but today he's struggling to even get himself out of bed.
It's... hard, this time of year. His mom passed away in summer, but she always loved Winter Star. It’s impossible to not think about her every time he sees a Winter Star tree, and everytime he thinks about waking up on Winter Star morning, he thinks about running into his mom's arms as she excitedly tells him the legend of the Winter Star.
Winter is darkness, if nothing else, so the sun isn’t up yet, the world beyond his window yet to stir to life. After what feels like hours, but still isn’t long enough for the harsh light of the winter sun to start streaming in through his curtains, Alex drags himself out of bed, the cool morning air seeping into his bones and making him shiver.
He shuffles out of his room and into the kitchen, the smell of warm pancakes softening the icy feeling in his extremities.
“Good morning, dear! I’ve cooked up your favourite.”
Grandpa is already at the table, digging into a pile of eggs and fried mushrooms while Granny stands over the stove, grilling up pancakes and hashbrowns. Alex smiles, and kisses her on the cheek as she loads up his plate; hash browns, pancakes, and eggs. It is his favourite, and he smiles as he grabs a glass of milk from the fridge and sits down beside his Grandpa.
They eat in relative silence, the music of the old crackly radio filling the air between them with upbeat, festive songs.
It’s freezing.
He has his scarf pulled high up around his nose, the cold already starting to bite at his extremities. He watches the clouds; the sky is trying it’s best to snow, but so far only a sporadic few stray flakes tumble to the ground. His fingers twitch, wanting to do anything to get some heat. He had laughed when his grandma suggested he wear gloves, but now he was feeling the consequences.
He’s barely made it to their table by the time Harvey bumbles over from the table of lonely single men, holding a green box tied up with a white ribbon.
"Alex!" He says, a wide smile on his face.
He flashes as much of a smile at Harvey as he can muster, but he can feel his mother's absence more than ever now he's at their table, with it's one hauntingly empty chair.
"Hello, Harvey."
Harvey passes Alex the box, smiling. "Here, Alex. I'm your secret gift giver!"
The box is heavier than Alex expects it to be, but he quickly tears off the paper, revealing the top of a delicious looking pumpkin pie.
Harvey looks bashful. "I thought you might like it."
"I do." Alex says, and makes more of an effort to smile this time. "It's great. Thanks."
“Harvey.” A gruff voice announces from behind Alex, and it takes every ounce of his self control not to spin around like he'd just heard his own name. He tries to keep it cool, moving aside as Harvey finally looks up to see who addressed him.
"Oh! Hello, Shane." Harvey smiles, cheeks turning pink. "How can I help?"
Alex finally let's himself turn to look at Shane, after he's decided it's been a normal amount of time, and Shane looks— fuck, Shane looks good. He's wearing a cheesy red Winter Star sweater with stars and candy canes, 'don't hog the nog' emblazoned in green across his chest. He's wearing a black coat that Alex hasn't seen him wear before (not that he's been paying attention or anything), but seems nicer and less worn out than most of Shane's clothes, and a grey flannel scarf that looks warm and thick and matches his boots.
Shane doesn't even look at Alex. "Here. Happy Winter Star."
He passed him a bottle of wine with a ribbon tied sloppily in a big bow around the neck, almost sloshing the glass of wine he’s holding in his other hand. It's red, and Alex doesn't know enough about booze to know if it's expensive or not, but Harvey beams.
"Wow! Shane, thank you! This is my favourite!" He's gone red from his cheeks to the tips of his ears, and Shane looks awkwardly pleased with himself.
Alex feels, suddenly and unexpectedly, wildly jealous. The feeling flares inside him like a firework, and he doesn't know Doctor Harvey all that well, but right now he kind of hates him.
"Neat gift." He says, because he needs Shane to pay attention to him or he might explode.
Until Shane looks at him, eyes wide, and Alex is sure he’s going to explode anyway.
He smiles a tight lipped smile at him, and nods in his direction. “Thanks, Alex.”
Emily is lurking behind him, watching the exchange with a smug look that Alex can’t quite place the cause of, and he figures it’s a fine opportunity to give her the gift he’s kept tucked in his elbow since he stepped out his front door.
He steps towards her, and offers her a smile. “Hey, Emily. I’m your secret friend.”
“Oh!” She gasps, eyes lighting up. “I knew you would be. I could feel it!”
He hands her the gift; a bolt of calico fabric he knows she’s wanted for at least three months, but hasn’t been able to spare the savings. It’s slightly on the heavy side, which clearly catches her off guard enough to stumble under the weight, and Shane puts his arm out to steady her. It makes the jealous feeling flare up in Alex’s stomach again, which is insane because he knows that Emily has a girlfriend.
Also because he has no reason to be jealous of anyone Shane interacts with, even if he intends to date them. Right? Why would he be jealous?
He shouldn’t be.
He isn't.
Shane is just some guy. Alex needs to stop idolising him or whatever it is that he’s doing.
Emily hoists the heavy parcel under her arm, and leans over to lightly kiss Alex on the cheek. “Thank you, Alex. I hope the spirits smile on you.”
Shane scoffs. “I don’t think so.” He says, mostly to his glass of mulled wine than to anyone in particular.
Emily just smiles and pats him on the shoulder. “I gotta go give Sam his gift. You guys have a good feast!”
Shane watches her leave, awkwardly, and Alex clears his throat as Harvey returns to his table, trying to come up with something to say to Shane to fill the silence.
“What was that about?” Alex says, and nods towards where Emily is surprising Sam with his gift.
“Emily isn’t the only one that's into that stuff.” He sighs, shaking his head, and Alex can't help but notice the way the dark wine just barely stains his lips red. “I've met enough people who believe in spirits and magic.”
Alex hums, eyes on him. “Well, what about you?”
Honestly, Alex has never cared all that much for the legend of the Winter Star. He’s not one for fairytales, and he’s old enough and has been cheated enough to know that life doesn't just turn around and start doing people favours willy nilly. He’s spent enough time around Emily over the years to know that crystals and magic can’t solve his problems.
But he's also spent enough time up in the mountains, before or after a good workout at the bathhouse, to know that there's something not quite explainable about the creatures that lurk in the shadows up there. He's heard the noises from the supposedly "abandoned" mine... He's heard the screeching and wailing of something not quite human from its depths.
“Me?” Shane sounds surprised, like he wasn't expecting Alex to ask. Maybe he wasn't expecting him to care. It's not like anyone else in this stupid town makes the effort to ask Shane what he thinks. Then again, he might just be shocked that he hasn't managed to drive Alex away with his flimsy attempt at depressing conversation. “I've never seen anything that couldn't be explained by science."
Alex raises an eyebrow at him. “I don't believe that, bro. There’s enough stuff in this town that doesn’t make sense.”
Shane scoffs, and Alex can tell he isn't convinced. “Everything makes sense, in it’s own way. It’s depressing, but it’s true.”
“Why is that depressing?” Alex takes a sip of his eggnog, watching Shane. “I’d think a guy like you would find that comforting.”
Shane bristles. “A guy like me?”
“Yeah.” He watches Shane as he glares, and Alex coughs, feeling awkward. He’s usually great at being charming, despite Haley saying he’s too full of himself. Girls usually love him. He has no idea why he finds it so difficult to use his charm on Shane . “I just mean— you know, like, a realist.”
Shane laughs, and takes another drink of his wine. “Surprised you dont think I'm a pessimist.”
“Are you?”
He's quiet for a second, tilting his head in thought.
He’s cute.
The thought hits Alex all at once with enough force to make his head spin, and suddenly some things start to make slightly more sense. The air is cold, the thick white clouds overhead trying their best to dust a smattering of snow over the Winter Star festivities, but Alex can feel his face heating up, knows that his cheeks are turning red in a way he hopes isn’t too obvious.
At the very least, Shane doesn’t seem to notice. “I don't know. I guess it all depends on your perspective.”
“Perspective.” Alex echos, quietly. “Yeah.”
There’s a squeal from somewhere across the feast and Alex looks over, seeing Jas give Penny a big hug, her unwrapped Winter Star gift laying on the ground at her feet. He turns back to Shane, but he’s still watching Jas, a soft smile on his face.
He watches Shane watch her, and he furrows his brow.
“Don't you wanna go hang out with your daughter?”
Shane looks confused, but shrugs anyway. “Jas is with Marnie and Lewis, they probably want to spoil her for a couple of hours.”
Alex can tell Shane has more to say, but he looks unsure. “Why don't you go be with them?”
There’s a contemplative silence between them, and it stretches on long enough that Alex thinks Shane is done talking to him, but eventually he drains the last of his wine and sighs. “They don’t want me around. I’m not gonna ruin Winter Star for Jas.”
“Why wouldn’t they want you around?”
Shane laughs, short and bitter. “Would you?”
“Yeah.”
He realises after he’s said it that it sounds a little too genuine, and he can feel his heartbeat pick up in panic, but Shane just looks conflicted. “I'm surprised that you're still trying to make friends with me. Haven't I been rude enough to you yet?”
Alex laughs, far more genuine than he means to. “Not yet. Feel free to keep trying, though. I like a challenge.”
Shane smiles wide, looking down at his feet, and Alex feels like his heart just jumped down into his stomach.
“Anyway,” Alex scoffs, “Isn’t Lewis the one who's always saying that Winter Star is about, like, time with family or whatever? He’s the one that should be at the ‘lonely single men’ table.”
That makes Shane laugh, and it’s the first time Alex has seen him look so genuine and open. It’s easy to see the old him in moments like this. He’s never made Shane really laugh before, and he immediately wants to do it again.
“Lewis is an asshole.” Shane mumbles, though he’s still smiling. “Wish the guy would leave Marnie alone.”
It takes Alex a second to realise what Shane is saying, and he shoots a look over to where Marnie and Lewis are huddled up together near the big Winter Star tree. They're talking and giggling together, standing far too close for two people who aren't sleeping together, and Alex isn't sure how he didn't notice this before.
He looks back at Shane, who has a smug look on his face when he meets his eyes.
“You didn't hear it from me.”
Shane is smiling and Alex just knows he has a stupid grin on his face. He mimes zipping his lips with his hand, which makes Shane laugh, so he mimes locking a keyhole in his face as well for good measure.
“Your secret’s safe with me.” Alex smiles, trying and failing to suppress a shiver at the soft look on Shane’s face.
Shane’s still smiling, but his eyes flicker with concern. “You cold?”
Talking to Shane was pretty distracting, but it wasn’t quite enough to distract from the way the icy air has been biting at his skin the whole time. Noticing the temperature sends another involuntary shiver through Alex, and he suddenly really wishes he brought his gloves.
"Not exactly dressed for the weather, Mullner."
Alex shakes his head, watching his breath freeze as he sighs. "I'm not built for the winter, bro. I don't know how to dress for it."
“Clearly.” Shane chuckles, eyes crinkling, and despite the chill Alex can feel his cheeks flush. He pauses and furrows his eyebrows, but then nods to himself before unwrapping the scarf from around his neck, quickly looping it behind Alex.
"Here.” He mumbles, voice low and quiet in Alex’s ear, washing over him like a wave. He smells like booze and warmth and Shane. “Take it."
It takes Alex's brain a second to catch up once Shane starts moving into his space, but once he does, he splutters. "No way, dude. I can't take your scarf—"
"Consider it a Winter Star present." He says, barely loud enough for him to hear.
Alex can barely breathe. “Shane—”
“Okay everyone!” Lewis' voice booms over the hustle and bustle. “It’s time for the feast to begin! Everybody to your tables.”
Shane turns to leave, awkwardly, but Alex reaches out and grabs the sleeve of his jacket. He looks at him, expectantly, but Alex isn’t sure what else he has to say other than please stay .
“Do—” He flounders, trying to find the words. “Do you wanna sit with us? For the feast?”
Shane’s eyes go wide, and the tips of his ears turn red. “It’s okay. Don’t want to ruin it for you.”
Alex can't take his eyes off him, and he itches to say something else, like of course you wouldn't ruin it or I don't feel as haunted when you're around or I wish I could convey to you the way you make me feel.
“Uh— Thanks. For the scarf.”
“No problem.” He smiles, and Alex tries to hold onto the moment for as long as he can. The lights of the Winter Star tree engulf him in a wave of warm gold, and the green of his irises gleam against the frosty white of the snow around him.
Alex spends the entire feast with his eyes on Shane. He can feel Haley looking at him, glaring at him with the same unreadable expression as before, but he tries to ignore it. He’ll field her questions later.
He spends the rest of the day pretending not to think about Shane. Business as usual.
“That’s a good boy, Dusty.” He whispers, leaning against the fence posts of Dusty’s pen. “You might be the only one around here who understands me. No one else has seen the kind of stuff you and I have.”
It’s not an unusual way for Alex to spend a Thursday afternoon, even if it is the first Thursday of the year. The new year passed, as always, with very little fanfare, and before he’d even recovered from the Winter Star feast, it was spring.
This time of year it’s easy to feel like life is slipping away; another year has been and gone, and Alex has very little to actually show for it. It’s a pain that doesn’t go away, and just gets worse every time; his dreams are getting further away with every passing year, and he knows it, but he never seems to be able to get any closer. It doesn’t help that this is around the time his dad left— there’s too much emotion in the air this time of year, so he lets it all out to his only confidant.
He thinks it's kind of pathetic, really, unloading all his problems to Dusty, while he barely opens his eyes from snoozing in his pen, but he keeps doing it. It's nice, knowing he has someone to talk to that isn't going to judge him. Someone that, even though he can't talk back, knows the shit that Alex has been through, and loves him. He has Haley, and his grandparents, and even Shane , maybe, though he's still not sure about where they stand; but no one understands like Dusty does, the only one that was there , that really knows what they went through because they went through it together .
He leans down over the fence to scratch Dusty behind the ears, and almost falls in when he hears the clattering of Gus's trash cans being knocked over, followed by a cacophony of "oh shit, fuck, fuck —"
He spins around to come face to face with the one person in town he really didn't want to hear all that.
“Shane! Hey!” He says, too chirpy, panic settling in his veins.
“Uh. Hey.”
Shane looks awkward, leaning against the cans and trying to shift them back in place covertly, like he feels guilty for intruding, and Alex can’t stand the idea of Shane thinking of him as broken . “Did you overhear—“
“No.” Shane mumbles, far too fast, and Alex can see straight through him. Alex gulps, suddenly finding it harder to breathe, and the moment of silence stretches on just a little too long. “I didn’t mean to.”
“I, uh— I don’t really like to talk about it.”
Shane nods, still looking unsure of himself, and he casts a glance at the light pouring out of the windows of the saloon, unsure. It occurs to Alex that he’s blocking Shane’s way, standing between him and the booze he’s always drinking, so he goes back to standing over Dusty’s pen, shame weighing on him like a blanket. He hates seeming vulnerable. Especially to Shane Hunter.
It surprises Alex when he feels Shane come and lean next to him, and when Alex finally builds the courage to chance a look over to him, he’s looking down at Dusty, face cast in shadow from the light of the saloon, eyes soft with something Alex can’t place.
They stay like that, for a while, until Shane breaks the silence.
“You can talk to me, if you want.”
Alex doesn’t respond, mostly because he just isn’t sure what to say. It hits him all at once that no one has ever really offered to listen to him before. Years ago, when he first came to live in Pelican Town, adults would constantly ask him about it; his story was fascinating to the sheltered residents of the sleepy town, and for his first few months he was stalked by a cloud of pity and curiosity.
But none of those people really wanted to hear his side. They just wanted to hear the gossip.
Shane wasn’t like that.
“Have you ever—“ Alex takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “Have you ever... lost someone?”
Shane nods, somber. "Taylor Eastwood. My best friend in the world." He stares ahead, eyes glassy. "My only friend."
"Shit bro," Alex mutters, eyes glued to the other man, "that sucks."
"Yeah. It really does." Shane laughs, dry and humourless. “It's really hard. It’s— It’s rough.”
Alex nods, deep breath settling in his lungs. “I know.”
That makes Shane look at him, finally, eyebrows furrowed.
It occurs to Alex for the first time that Shane doesn't actually know . Alex has always existed in a world where he had no real control over the flow of information about his life; by the time he'd even arrived in Pelican Town, everybody already knew all about what happened to him. He’s never really had the opportunity to tell someone himself, to convey the story as he experienced it.
“Yeah.” He closes his eyes for a second; when he opens them, Shanes eyes are locked on his, eyes wide and stare soft yet intense. “My mom passed when I was eleven.”
“Oh, shit, I'm sorry.” Shane mumbles, nodding sympathetically. Alex takes a deep breath, willing himself not to cry, trying not to think too hard about his mom. Shit , he misses her. “What about your dad?”
Alex’s blood runs cold.
It’s easy to forget that Shane is actually pretty new in town. Even with his family ties to Marnie, even with all the summers he spent here, he's still only been a part of the community for a few months. What happened with Alex’s parents is mostly old news, he supposes— it makes sense that no one would have told Shane.
He takes another deep breath, steadying himself.
"My father wasn't a good guy." Alex starts, and he can't bring himself to meet Shane's eyes. Dusty stares back at him, supportive and unwavering. "He ruined everything for me and mom. Half the time he was gone, the other half he would—"
It was hard. He didn't like talking about his father. Even now, after all these years, it left a sour taste in his mouth. Knowing he shared DNA with that scumbag made his skin crawl.
“The other half he would drink all night and tell me I’m worthless. That I’d never amount to anything.”
Shane is watching him; Alex can feel the other man's eyes on him, can see the way his eyes are glued to him in his peripheral vision.
"I think he resented me for being young." Alex just keeps talking, barrelling through the hard part so that it can be over. "He was bitter because he’d wasted his youth doing nothing and had gotten nowhere in life. That’s my take on it, anyway. Who knows what was going on in his mind."
"Fuck," Shane says after a beat, shaking his head, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"It's okay," Alex smiles, "almost everybody around here knows my business. I don't get to tell my version of it very often."
"Tell me about it," Shane scoffs, and if anyone knows how it feels to be the subject of town gossip, it's definitely Shane. "Where's your dad now?"
"I don't know," Alex shrugs, "one day he left, and soon after that Mom got sick and passed away. I had no choice but to move in with my grandparents."
Shane is quiet for a while, eyes on Dusty, and Alex wishes he was better at reading him. “I had no idea.”
“Shane, you—” He has to stop himself from saying “ you seem like someone I can trust ”, because that sounds incredibly pathetic in the face of a guy like Shane, who usually seems so stoic . “I don’t want any sympathy.”
He nods, pushing himself off the fence and turning to face Alex. “I hear that. I know what it’s like, gettin’ pitty looks from everyone. You already have to deal with everything. Shouldn’t have to put up with nosy peoples ‘sympathy’, too.”
“Yeah,” Alex nods, eyes moving back to watch Dusty sleeping in his pen, “if there’s one good thing about my past, it’s that it made me strong.”
He tries not to look at Shane, nervous about what he’ll see on his face if he does, but it's hard. He can practically feel the space Shane is filling next to him, his presence heavy in the air, and Alex is drawn to him like he always has been, wanting to impress, wanting to know what he thinks.
It wasn’t until he chanced a look up to meet Shane’s eyes, and catches him looking towards the saloon with a torn look on his face, that he remembers that he’s blocking Shane from his desired destination.
"Sorry." Alex says, feeling stupid when he hears the words. "You were on your way to the Saloon. I didn't mean to keep you from—"
"You should come with me."
"I— What?"
"I'll buy you a drink."
Alex just looks at him, though Shane's eyes are fixed on Dusty, who's wagging his tail at the attention.
"You're joking, right?"
He frowns. "Nevermind, asshole."
"No!" Alex says, a little too loud for their proximity to each other, and Shane winces but doesn't turn to leave. "I'd love to. I mean, I'd like to, if you want."
Shane nods, slowly, like he's still thinking about it, but there's a ghost of a smile on his face.
When he pushes away from Dusty's pen and turns towards the Stardrop, Alex follows. It feels like he's always following Shane, these days.
He tries not to read too much into the look on Shane's face, but when their eyes meet before Shane pushes open the ancient wooden door, Alex can't help but smile.
Alex doesn't really drink. He can , and he does sometimes , but he doesn't do it a lot. He's an athlete, and it's important that he stays on form to be able to keep up with his training regimen. He can't afford to get sick, or lazy, or anything that would jeopardize his place on the Tunnelers.
There are some other reasons, too. Things that make him nervous about drinking too much. He worries that it's in his blood, sometimes. He doesn't want to test it— Alex doesn't know, for sure, but the last thing in the world that he wants to do is become his father .
Shane slams two beers down on the table in front of him, hard enough that they slosh onto the table, and Alex tries to push it out of his mind.
By the time Alex has reached out to take a sip, Shane has already downed half of his.
"Woah," Alex's eyes are locked on the way Shane's adam's apple bobs as he swallows, and he hopes it's not obvious enough for Shane to notice. "Rough day?"
Shane drops his glass down, heavy handed, and sighs. "Sure. Everyday is."
Alex just watches him, watches the way his eyes point at the table when he sighs, the way his knuckles tighten around the handle of his tankard like he has something inside and no way to express it.
He doesn't wait for Alex to say anything before he resigns himself to keep talking.
"Every day I'm fucking miserable, and they're all the same . Stocking those horrible shelves, coming to the saloon, tossing and turning all goddamn night." He shakes his head, like he's trying to physically clear the thoughts from it, and, when that seemingly doesn't work, settles for taking a swig from his glass. "What's the point of life if all you do is work?"
“Shit.” Alex mutters, taking a sip of his beer. “That sucks, man.”
Shane barks a laugh, and shakes his head. “Yeah.”
He sounds so bitter . Alex wishes he could help him. “Maybe you should quit.”
"Maybe I should." He takes another long gulp of his beer. "Maybe I would if I could."
Alex watches as he gestures to Emily to bring another one (which she does), the way his jaw is set like he’s angry , but not at Alex, just at everything all of the time.
"Hey, so I told you about my mom and dad," he starts, making conversation, but also because he's desperate to know more about Shane, "what about you? Are you cool with your parents?"
"I, uh—" He sighs, looking like Alex caught him a little off guard. "Honestly, I never really had much of a family as a kid.”
Alex nods, taking a sip of his drink. "Shit, man. I'm sorry."
"It's whatever." Shane shrugs, and downs the rest of his glass. He holds up a hand to Emily, signalling that he's ready for a fresh pint, and she sets about pouring him one. "It never mattered to me that much. I don't care about bullshit from the past. I have enough crap on my plate in the present without diggin’ up old resentment.”
Alex nods, gesturing over to where Marnie usually sits. She's not here yet; it's a little early still, the saloon still mostly empty apart from the diehard regulars. "What about Marnie? You used to spend a lot of time here when you were a kid, right?"
He nods, a hint of a smile ghosting his lips. “I guess I've grown attached to Marnie. She was basically the only adult around for me when I was growin' up. Me and her, and Jas— we're a ragtag bunch, but it kind of feels like a weird family. The closest I've ever had to one, at least.”
"That's cool," Alex smiles, "you have someone. Must be nice to have support with Jas and everything. Plus a place to stay."
“Yeah, it's not so bad," he mumbled, but he's smiling, "she says it's because she needs the extra hands, but that's bullshit. I don't do much. Not enough to cover my costs, anyway. I help out on the ranch, you know, like— with the chickens, and stuff. It's whatever.”
Alex tips his head, humming in thought. “Woah. I don't know that I've ever met a chicken.”
Shane’s eyes go wide. “For real?”
“Uh— Yeah?”
His eyes shine with a childlike unbridled joy and for a second he looks so young, happy and passionate in a way Alex hasn't seen since they were teenagers. The only thing that comes close these days is when he’s talking about Jas; he’s obviously so proud of her, but this is something else. This is an excitement Alex didn’t know Shane could still have.
He shakes himself, presumably in an attempt to get it under control, but Alex is already grinning at him, drinking in the feeling of seeing Shane get happy and excited about something.
Shane coughs and takes a cautious sip of his beer, clearly thinking over his words. “You should come by the ranch sometime.”
Alex just beams at him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” He nods, and he's smiling into his glass, “I could show you the chickens. They’re real cute.”
He feels himself nodding before it even occurs to him that he’s being too eager, but he can barely find it in him to care. “I’d like that a lot, Shane.”
Alex smiles, watching Shane look so happy, and feels that familiar feeling in his chest, burning and roiling and filtering down into his gut like fire.
He just takes another sip of his beer. "How is your Aunt Marnie?"
Shane looks at him, surprised but relieved, and smiles. "She's good, mostly. Still fucking around with Lewis, though. Yoba knows why."
Ever since Shane had told him about Marnie and Lewis, it's so obvious every time he sees them. He doesn't know how he never saw it, and he doesn't know how everyone else still continues to not see it.
Alex scoffs, because he knows what Shane means. “Yeah, Lewis is a jerk. He still treats me like a little kid.”
Shane snorts. “Yeah, he’ll do that. He’s a condescending dick."
"I wish someone else would run for mayor against him. My grandma says no one ever will."
Shane hums in a agreement, sipping his beer. "She's right. People in the valley don't like change."
"I like change," Alex smiles, and he's not sure if he means it as a challenge, but he deflates when Shane just laughs, "I do!"
"You must be the only one," Shame mumbles, but the words are muffled by his drink.
"You can't become great without change."
"You're not wrong. It's just that no one around these parts is becoming great any time soon."
"I'm going to."
Shane just shrugs. "Okay."
"I am."
"Okay."
"You almost did."
He doesn't say anything for a few seconds, but Alex can see the way his jaw twitches, griping going tighter around his glass . He has a feeling that was the wrong thing to say, but Alex has never been very good at saying the right things.
He just shakes his head, and doesn't meet Alex's eyes. "Yeah, well. That was a lifetime ago. I ended up here, like everyone other asshole in the valley."
"You're not an asshole," he says, because it feels like the only thing he's sure of.
Shane just rolls his eyes. "Yeah. Okay."
"No, really. You're a good guy, Shane. It's— nice talking to you."
"Sure, man," Shane scoffs, and Alex isn't sure what to say to make Shane understand how much of a light in the dark he is in Alex's life.
"I'm serious." Alex says, and looks him in his eyes, as seriously as he can stand to. "I know you don't believe me, but I like talking to you, man."
He furrows his eyebrows. He's still looking at Alex like he doesn't believe him, but there's a sparkle of hope in his eyes, and Alex grabs onto it, feeling the pull to connect, feeling the spark down to his toes from the look in Shane's eyes.
"For real?"
Alex laughs. "Yeah man, for real. I care about you, bro."
Shane smiles, so bright and genuine that it makes Alex's heart ache in his chest. "Thanks. I, uh— I care about you too, man."
Alex grins, just watching Shane watch him, and takes a sip of his drink. He has training tomorrow, like he does everyday, and if he doesn't hit the sack soon he won't be on top form.
It's hard to keep thinking about training when Shane is smiling across from him. Self discipline is Alex's strong suit; never faltering, never wavering, always focused. But just this once he allows himself the indulgence to keep sitting across from Shane for a while, finish his drink, and not think about tomorrow.