i
April 2nd, 2014
They're still settling down in LA, piles of unopened boxes shoved in every corner of the muffin, when Amir mentions it, as nonchalantly as if he was talking about the weather.
“Oh, happy anniversary, by the way.”
Jake nods, barely lifting his attention from the IKEA table he’s finally gotten around to putting together, until the words sink it, and he twists to look up at Amir. “What?”
“It’s our anniversary.” He smiles like it's obvious, flipping the page of the instructions he's pretending to read even though Jake needs them. “You know, I knew you would forget. What kind of a husband even are you—”
“None,” Jake says, eyebrows furrowed, “I’m not anybody's husband, especially yours.”
Amir laughs, throwing his head back. “That's my funny hubby! Always crackin’ dad jokes, and we don’t even have one on the way yet!”
He narrows his eyes at Amir. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when he’s joking and when he means it, but there’s nothing in his face that tells Jake that he’s kidding. “You can’t seriously believe that we’re married, right? Buddy?”
“You saw the certificate, it was official as shit!”
“It was not,” he says, and Amir rolls his eyes like Jake is being silly, “it was signed in lipstick. There’s no way that's legally binding.”
“Legally blinding, more like. Judge, help! There’s nothing I can see except my husband to be.”
“If I were your husband to be, then we wouldn't be married.”
“To be married.”
“Yeah, right.”
“So you do get it.”
“What?” Jake forces out a breath, shaking his head. He can’t let the Amir Weirdness get to him, or he wins. “Okay, so you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Amir makes a crab gesture with one of his hands, but he keeps his fingers so straight that it barely looks like anything. “Geez, nag, nag, nag. They say when you get married, you start to feel the tug of the ol’ ball and chain. It’s a good job we love each other and shit.”
“Love each other? You poured ice cold soup all over me yesterday.”
Amir scoffs, offended. “God, you're still pissed about that? I feel like you've not stopped bitching about it since it happened.”
“It was yesterday!”
“Exactly!”
“It's been like seventeen hours.”
Amir throws the instruction manual down into his lap. “Oh my god, fine, we don’t have to go out for our anniversary. I didn’t know you were gonna be such a bitchly about it.”
“Being a bitchly— You didn’t ask me to go out! You never said go out! You said we were married and then blamed me for being upset you poured soup all over me!”
Amir looks down at his wrist. He’s not wearing a watch, but Jake knows he doesn’t care. “And time! Congratulations! It only took you four minutes to officially ruin our anniversary!”
He leaves, stuffing the instruction manual under his arm as he does.
Shit, he needed that.
Jake just goes back to trying to figure out how to put together the table. As if he’d ever be married to Amir. Just because he moved to LA because Amir did doesn’t mean they’re gay or anything. This is just one of those weird things Amir has decided to believe, and Jake can only hope that eventually he’ll forget.
ii
April 2nd, 2015
They got fired.
Jake’s lost the only job he’s ever had, and he doesn’t know what to do. He thinks he’s gonna have to spend the whole day trawling every job listing in LA, because fuck, he doesn’t have any savings, and he doesn’t need to ask to know that Amir doesn’t either.
He goes to sleep dreading the next day.
He wakes up to Amir’s face directly in front of his.
“Happy anniversary!”
“Jesus Christ, dude!”
“What? I just wanted to give you a peaceful anniversary good morning wake up.”
“That was not very peaceful, man. I’m not very relaxed right now.”
“Well, ya should be. Here at anniversary bootcamp we dont stand for laying down. It’s laid back vibes today only. No exceptions!” He laughs, and Jake pushes his head away.
“Your breath smells like shit.” Jake reaches for his phone to check the time. 7AM. Way too early since he doesn’t have a job. “And this? By the way, this is not very ‘laid back vibes’.”
“Are you or are you not laying back?”
“You just told me to get up!”
“I did not—”
“You did, you said ‘here at anniversary bootcamp we don’t stand for lying down’ which, I don’t know why you think there’s a bootcamp, but—”
“You’re wasting the day!” Amir squeals, far too loud for how early it is. “We only have twenty seven precious anniversary hours and then they’re gone forever!
“First of all, your feet are so wet right now—”
“I went for a run!”
“Without shoes?”
“I forgot. I forgot shoes one time and you’re yelling at me—”
“This is not the first time you’ve forgotten shoes—”
“You’re yelling at me like I do it every time!”
“Too many times, though, right, man?” Jake sits up, finally putting some distance between him and Amir’s freezing cold wet feet. “And also, you know there’s not twenty seven hours in a day. You gotta know that.”
“There’s not?”
“No, there’s twenty four—”
“Shit, then we have even less time than I thought! Better get a move on buster or you’ll be sleeping in the birdhouse tonight.”
“It’s doghouse, and—”
Amir shakes his head hard enough that he dislodges his glasses. “I don’t think so. Not where you’ll be sleeping.”
“Can you just let me finish? Please? It is doghouse—“
“It’s not—”
“It is, and that doesn’t matter because we’re not really married, remember?”
Amir sighs. “Do we have to do this every year? It’s like, oh, you say it’s not real, I say it’s real, why don’t we just split the difference and say it’s real?”
“Come on—” he starts, but Amir has already shot up out of bed and made a beeline for the kitchen.
“Hop in to Action, Capt’n! We don’t—”
“Stand for laying down, I know.”
Jake closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. It’s not exactly how he’d planned on spending his day, but maybe it’ll be nice to get his mind off things.
iii
April 2nd, 2016
“I have a present for you…” Amir sings, appearing in front of Jake as he closes the door behind him.
Jake shakes his head. “Come on, man, I’ve had a long day at work. Can I at least sit down first?”
“No! No sitting, only standing, only opening it right now or you don’t get to have an anniversary gift.”
“Anniversary, right.” Jake mumbles, grabbing the tiny wrapped box out of Amir’s hands. He unwraps it a little more aggressively than he intended to, but when he finally gets the paper off and cracks open the small velvet box, there’s two matching gold rings settled inside. Jake just stares at them for a moment, trying to process. “What are these?”
“They’re rings!” Amir is grinning so wide, body shaking with excitement. “I figured, we didn’t get rings when we got married, so I got us rings now, so we can, like, wear them and match and shit.”
“You got us matching rings?”
“Wedding rings, yeah. I figured it was probably about time. I mean, what kind of married couple doesn’t have matching wedding rings?”
“We’re not a couple!”
“A couple of married dudes!”
"How did you afford these? We don't have any money."
Amir has the audacity to look coy. "I have some savings that I've been storing for a rainy day occasion. A special anniversary. What could be more special than the big three!"
"Rent? Food? Almost anything is more important than matching gold wedding rings."
"Could you stop? Okay, I'm starting to feel like you don't even like your gift."
"I don't like my gift," Jake says, pulling out one of the rings and slipping it onto his finger, "how do you know my ring size?"
"Just the normal way. I measured it while you were asleep."
"This isn't even really my gift, right? One of them is for you."
Amir gasps, fanning his hands over his mouth. "Oh! I do! I say yes!"
Jake rolls his eyes as Amir takes the other one, putting it immediately on the wrong finger, until Jake takes his hand and puts it on the right finger for him.
"This is ridiculous." He pulls the ring off, holding it in his hand, watching as Amir admires his own ring.
"Come on, just wear it for a little bit. Just for our anniversary. It can be your anniversary present to me, since, lemme guess, you got me jack shit this year."
"It's not a real anniversary," Jake grumbles, but puts the ring back on to placate Amir, "are you happy now. I'll wear it for two hours, to make you happy, then I'm taking it off."
"Three, three hours, c'mon."
Jake thinks about it, but relents. "Fine. Three hours, then I take it off forever."
"Four. Come on, just four hours."
"I'll do one hour, and if you ask for anything else I'll take it off forever."
Amir holds his hands up, grinning. "Okay, deal."
He catches sight of his hand with the ring, light glinting off it just enough to draw attention to it. It's a nice ring, thick and gold and it looks good on his hand.
He'll keep it on for a little while, maybe. It does look pretty cool.
iv
April 2nd, 2017
Jake can hear Amir causing chaos somewhere, but he’s decided to just ignore it. He's just here to sit on his lounger and drink his pina colada and attempt to relax.
The vacation was Amir’s idea, obviously, but he offered to pay and Jake had some vacation days saved up so he figured why not. He can unwind in the sun, and Amir can pay to be someone else’s responsibility for ten days. It’s almost a win-win.
Amir eventually appears, flopping down onto the sun lounger next to him, spilling his drink on Jake in the process. “Geez, the ladies at the crèche were not a fan of my material.”
“Were you doing stand up at the nursery?”
“I was trailing a routine. And they honestly loved it.”
“No they didn’t. The first thing you said when you sat down was that they didn’t like it.”
“They called it ‘crass’ and ‘unoriginal’.” Amir uses his fingers to do the worst air quotes Jake has ever seen, and he’s smiling like he thinks that's great feedback.
“Which is bad.”
“Which is bad, exactly right. Unless—“
“No, it’s definitely bad.”
“That’s what I thought. They were honestly pretty disrespectful.”
“Were they? Were they disrespectful or did you break into somewhere you weren’t supposed to be and start telling offensive jokes?”
“Honestly— the second one.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Anyway, one of them tried to push me out the window so I’m taking this hotel for all it’s worth. Upgrade, baby!”
They were already staying in the honeymoon suite, which Jake vehemently protested but ultimately ended up conceding. He knows Amir is just going to end up sleeping in his bed no matter what. Might as well make it a California King.
He was pissed that Amir made the reservation under Mr and Mr Hurwitz, and he insists on telling almost everyone they meet that it’s their anniversary, but he can almost forget all that when he’s enjoying his time in the sun drinking bottomless cocktails.
“Upgrade?” He asks, tentatively, because to Amir an upgrade could mean anything from a different room to a different hotel to a different country.
“They offered us a free dining experience in the fancy restaurant.”
“That’s not really an upgrade.”
“Also, the front desk lady says we’re a very cute couple.”
“Right. Did you tell her that we’re not a couple?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know. I might’ve forgot.”
“Right, yeah, of course.” More and more these days, people just assume he and Amir are together. Here, it’s a little harder to deny; the honeymoon suite and the matching wedding rings and Mr and Mr Hurwitz are all difficult for Jake to explain in a way that anyone else would understand. Back home, it’s still not that easy. People see the ring and make assumptions, and trying to explain that no, I’m not really married, I just have a wedding ring because my roommate is insane and bought it for me and also he might be my actual husband but I’m too afraid to check, just makes him look like he’s neck deep in denial.
Which he’s not.
He’s not in denial, because denial would mean that he has feelings for Amir, which is the most insane thing he’s ever heard. It’s laughably crazy. He and Amir have a perfectly normal friendship with no romantic undertones, they just happen to be a little bit married. Which is fine, but also probably not even true.
Amir is practically vibrating next to him, so he just shoots him a thumbs up. “That sounds great.”
“Yeah. You wanna see me do a cannonball? I can show these freakin’ chump kids a thing or two about fun.”
“I thought you were deathly afraid of water?”
Amir narrows his eyes, laughing. “Yeah, this isn’t water. Water is super salty and lives in the ocean.”
“What do you think this is?”
“Uh, a swimming pool? Ass.”
“You’re the ass, ass.”
“Do you wanna stop being a diva ass and see me do a dope freakin’ cannonball or not?”
Jake just sighs, taking a long sip of his cocktail. “Sure, buddy.”
Amir is off before Jake has even finished talking, catapulting himself at high speed directly into a swimming child, landing stomach down in what is most definitely not a cannonball.
Jake just goes back to sipping his drink, watching Amir splash around.
v
April 2nd, 2018
Amir's been working a lot, or some rough approximation of it; he's got a job at Leron's laser tag place now, and between the laser tag and the Leron it's been keeping him pretty busy.
So, the burden of planning their "anniversary spectacular" (not his words) falls, by default, to Jake this year. It's nothing extravagant, but it's still pushing the boundaries of Jake's ability to plan and execute anything. Amir doesn't usually do a lot for their anniversary, but last year he took them on vacation, so Jake feels like he has to perform at least the bare minimum.
Dinner. Dinner and laser tag, because they have to eat dinner anyway and laser tag is free if they go to Leron's place, which they always do. Amir plays laser tag basically everyday now, but he still gets excited about it. Jake knows he'll be happy. It's like a compromise; a nice dinner for him and laser tag for Amir. Marriage is all about compromise, right?
It's not lost on him that with every passing day, he treats Amir more and more like his husband.
It's both an interesting development and a realisation that he's been doing it without thinking for years. Before, he seemed to be better at catching himself. He used to be better at not letting himself do what Amir wanted, even if he gave in sometimes. He's giving in more and more, as the years go on.
He used to be better at pretending like he didn't want to be with Amir, but now after everything, he's struggling to hold onto the image of himself that hates Amir and wants him gone.
The phone rings, and it startles him so bad he almost drops the glass of water he was drinking. He picks it up without even checking the caller ID. There's only two people that ever call him these days, and he knows one of them is playing laser tag right now.
"Hi, mom," Jake starts, dragging a hand down his face, "what's up?"
"Jake!" He can hear how happy she is through the phone. He should really call more, even though he knows he's probably not going to. "I'm so glad I caught you."
“Yeah?” He says, drinking the rest of his glass of water. “Is something going on?”
“Micah and Kumail are in LA and they want to see you!” His mom sounds so excited, and Jake rolls his eyes.
“That's cool,” he says, even though he can count on one hand the number of non-terrible interactions he's had with Kumail in his entire life, “I'll see if they wanna come over.”
“I know they're going out tonight, maybe for dinner?” She’s doing that thing where she’s trying to sound casual about it, but Jake can tell she knows exactly what they’re doing and when. She’s always trying to get them to make nice with Kumail; he doesn’t deserve it, but Jake loves his mom, so he usually humors her. “You should go with them.”
He feels bad leaving Micah to deal with him alone, but he doesn't really have a choice.
“I can't, Mom,” he mumbles, and he can hear her disappointment, “it’s our anniversary. Maybe another time.”
“Your anniversary?”
“Yeah,” he says, and he knows it sounds insane but he says it anyway, “our wedding anniversary. We have plans.”
We. Our. He doesn’t remember when he started referring to him and Amir as one unit, and even more worrying, he doesn’t know when people started automatically understanding who he meant when he said we.
Probably sometime around mid-2007, he thinks, edging on bitterness, but he can’t muster up a lot of genuine emotion to that effect.
“Right,” he can hear her hesitate, thinking about what she wants to say, “it’s not a real anniversary, though. Can't you and Amir just agree to have it on a different day this year?”
“No, we can't just have it on a different day. Then it wouldn't be our anniversary.”
“It’s not the anniversary of anything, Jake. You told us he was lying about the marriage.”
“He was— I mean, he is, it’s just— it’s complicated.”
His mom hums, and he can tell that she’s thinking, though he isn’t sure what’s going through her head.
When she speaks again, it's very carefully. “I love you so much, Jake, no matter what. You know that, right?”
It catches him so off guard that he’s not sure how to respond. “Uh… yeah?”
“Good,” she says, then hesitates, leaving a few seconds before saying what was actually on her mind, “if you ever wanted to, you know, come out, just know that we would all still love you exactly the same.”
He does drop his glass, and it clatters to the floor. It doesn’t smash; it's not real glass, more of a fake plastic looking glass that Jake picked up after Amir smashed all of their real glasses.
“What?” He says, voice high and shrill, because he doesn’t know what else to say.
“I’m just saying,” his mom starts, and Jake can feel the blood rushing in his ears, “it would be okay if you were gay—
“I’m not—”
“Me and your father saw that Love Simon movie the other day, so—”
“Oh my god, this is ridiculous.”
“I’m not trying to argue with you, Jake, I’m just trying to say that it’s okay. We would all rather you were just honest with us.”
“I am being honest!” He can feel himself sounding hysterical, which he knows makes it sound like he’s lying, but he can't stop. “I don’t know what you’re even talking about.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide, like Simon. He was hiding, and it made him so sad, and he was only young. We’re not going to judge you, Jake, we love you.”
“Yeah, no, I know that.”
“Okay.”
This veered very quickly from a crazy conversation to feeling very real, which Jake hates. His mom means well, but her pushing is not making him feel better.
Also she’s wrong, Jake tells himself, but the words feel hollow.
“I gotta go,” he says, and hangs up before his mom can say goodbye.
He feels weird about it. He doesn’t want to, but he does. There’s nothing to feel weird about, really; his mom just watched a movie and now she’s projecting the events into their real lives. It’s happened before. She became obsessed with going travelling after she saw Eat, Pray, Love. It’s totally normal. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t matter because it’s not true.
Jake shakes himself trying to clear his head. Don’t let one weird conversation ruin your anniversary dinner. Your non-wedding anniversary, because you’re not married.
He takes a deep breath, steadying himself again. He’s not gay, obviously. He would know if he was gay, and Jake is a cool and progressive guy, so he probably wouldn’t even care if he was gay.
Which he’s not. Definitely. So it doesn’t matter.
vi
April 2nd, 2019
Jake is so fucking gay.
It’s a realisation that’s been sort of bubbling under the surface for a while now, but it's getting to the point where Jake thinks maybe he can't ignore it anymore.
It's his wedding anniversary for his gay marriage and he's obsessing over whether he might be gay or not. He's literally gay married . This is crazy. How has he been gay married for six years and is just now noticing that he might be gay?
He's been taking a lot of online quizzes about it, and the consensus seems to be that he's gay maybe sixty percent of the time, but those quizzes don't feel all that accurate. They all had questions about hating sports and loving musical theatre, and Jake likes sports, and doesn't really care about musical theatre. He is attracted to men, though, so the whole thing is pretty confusing.
Jake is making them dinner, which seems like a pretty straight thing to do. Straight men eat dinner all the time, though gay men probably also have to eat dinner, so maybe cooking dinner is a neutral activity. They decided to stay in for their anniversary this year, since they're trying to save up the cash to buy a house, which is also pretty neutral, since all kinds of people can live in houses.
So that's nill-nill on the gay-straight leaderboard, and Jake is back where he started.
Amir comes barrelling into the room without warning, almost knocking Jake over. "Is it almost ready? I'm actually hungry as shit right now."
"No, ass, I literally just started cooking it."
"Jeez," Amir says, backing up, "who pissed in your bitchness?"
“What?”
“You’re like, mad at me. I just got here and you’re mad at me.”
“Sorry,” he mumbles, because Amir is kind of right for once, “I just have a lot on my mind.”
Amir pulls himself up onto the counter, kicking his legs as he watches Jake cook. “Like what?”
Jake considers not telling him, but he doesn’t exactly have a lot of guy friends he can ask about this kind of shit, and the quizzes are more confusing than helpful. “Do you ever worry that you’re gay?”
“No,” Amir shrugs, “I don't worry about things that are already true.”
It takes Jake longer than he’d like to admit to process that statement but when he does he turns to face Amir fully, eyes wide. “Wait, you're gay?”
“Well, if by gay, you mean ‘do I sleep with men’, then yeah.”
“Obviously that's what I meant.”
“Well, I'm actually not gay.”
“What?”
“I'm actually yousexual,” he says, and Jake rolls his eyes, turning back to keep cooking, “as in, you bet your sweet ass I'm sexual.”
“Right, okay. So that's nothing.”
“No, I'm actually bisexual. As in, bye, I'm sexual!”
“That one didn't even make sense.”
“I am bisexual though. That one was real. B to the I zee.”
“Oh,” Jake mumbles. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel about that, but it feels— nice. To know he’s not the only one. “Cool.”
“And you're gay now?”
“What? No!”
“Oh,” Amir says, and starts picking the leaves off of Jake basil plant, “I just figured since you brought it up. And since you took all those 'am I gay' quizzes on our computer.”
“You ass , that is my computer! I told you to use your own laptop.”
“I do! I will, but it's totally fine, okay, I don't care if you're googling hot twink gets—”
Jake starts yelling just to cover up the rest of Amir's sentence, even though there's no one around to hear. "Okay, okay, enough."
“So you actually think you're gay, though?”
Jake is quiet for a while, then shrugs. “I don't know.”
it's the closest he's ever come to admitting it out loud.
Amir just smiles. "Okay, cool."
"You're not like... mad?"
"Why would I be mad?"
"I don't know, you can be hard to predict sometimes and I'm kind of freaking out about this."
"Jake, it's twenty nineteen. I'm pretty sure everyone is gay now."
"Okay, well, that's not true."
"Hey! Maybe next year for our vacation we can go to one of those gay places."
"Gay places?"
“Yeah,” he nods, excited, “like Europe or Alaska or Canada.”
“Not really gay places, right?” Jake says, even though he would like to go see Niagara Falls again.
"Vay-cay time," Amir grins, and Jake rolls his eyes.
"Fine. After we get the house, we'll go on vacation."
Amir cheers so loud it almost blows out Jake's ear drum, but he laughs, and he feels better. Lighter, in a way only Amir can ever seem to make him feel.
vii
April 2nd, 2020
They don't end up going on vacation.
They end up stuck inside with nothing to do except be together, and Jake feels like he's going to lose his mind.
Amir has been doing weirdly well, despite being clingier than usual; he's started running what Jake can only assume is some kind of phone scam out of their spare room, and that's keeping him happy. He likes to have a little project to focus all his energy on.
Jake kind of wishes he had a project.
The morning of their anniversary he wakes up to Amir snoring softly beside him, which is unusual. Amir is an early bird by nature, even if he usually ends up falling asleep at some point in the middle of the day. It doesn't help that Jake has been sleeping in later and later, but still, it's rare Jake gets the opportunity to surprise him, and the morning of their anniversary is the perfect opportunity. It's exactly what they need; a little celebration to take the edge off.
He extracts himself from the bed, shifting his weight as gently and quietly as possible to avoid waking Amir up, and heads towards the kitchen. They share the bed for the same reason they share the house; because if it was just Jake's then Amir would show up and use it like it was his own anyway, so he may as well just bite the bullet and share.
The kitchen is messy, but Jake finds a clean tray and opens the freezer to grab some nuggets. They'd not had a lot of time to settle into the house pre-pandemic; they got the keys just before the new year, and spent the last few months gradually unpacking and buying random pieces of furniture. It’s far from perfect, but at least their kitchen is fully stocked.
He waits for the nuggets to cook and then slides them into a McNuggets box so that Amir will actually eat them, and heads back upstairs.
Amir wakes up with a jolt the second he enters the room, even though he was trying his best to be quiet. "Woah. Noogs?"
"Jesus, do you have super hearing or something? I was trying not to wake you up."
Amir shakes his head, grinning, and makes grabby hands at Jake. "Nah, I just have an extremely strong Jakey Sense. Now gimme."
"Happy anniversary," Jake smiles, tossing him the box and moving to sit next to him on the bed, "I tried to surprise you, but your 'Jakey Sense' ruined it."
"Aw, breakfast in bed, how romantic! What did I do to deserve this silent treatment?"
"Nothing. It's not the silent treatment. It's breakfast in bed, you said it."
"Happy anniversary, Jake," he says with a smile, and Jake's heart does something funny in his chest, "how many years has it been now? Two? Three?"
"Seven, buddy. Bad counting."
"Bad counting? Nah, bad you."
"Bad me, right."
"Exactly right, yeah." Amir shakes his head, eating as many nuggets as he can in one bite. "And to think I was about to give you the most bombest anniversary gift of all time."
"About to? Two minutes ago you were asleep."
"Yeah, well, it's gonna get here this afternoon, so—"
"So how were you about to give me it if it isn't even here?"
"I can't give it to you until the lady from the shelter drops it off, dill weed!"
"Then why did you say—" He's already started arguing by the time Amir's words fully sink in, and he catches himself, trying not to get his hopes up. "Wait. The shelter?"
Amir grins like he's proud of himself, and Jake feels himself smile against his will, warmth spreading through his chest, which is weird, but he ignores it in favor of listening to Amir. "Yeah. I got you a loveable pooch to hang out with when I'm at 'work'."
He puts air quotes around the word work, like he's self aware about the fact that scamming people for fun isn't actually a job, but it's more likely that Amir has just misunderstood the purpose of air quotes again than has undergone any kind of real personal reflection about it. Still, Jake's heart picks up. He's always wanted a dog. He could never have one as a kid, and he's spent his adulthood moving between tiny, cramped city apartments that wouldn't allow pets. Now that they have a house, Jake wants a dog so badly, but he knows Amir well enough to do his due diligence before he lets himself get excited.
"You hate dogs," he says, carefully, watching Amir's expression, "you said you'd never want a dog."
"I was just emotionally bruised after what happened with Rottem. I think I'm finally ready to love again, though."
Jake narrows his eyes. "You're not a very responsible dog owner, man."
"I'm not gonna do shit, okay, it's your freaking dog. You take care of it. Rottem Two is fully your responsibility."
"That's not gonna be it's name."
"Sure, whatever, Rottem Three, then. As long as we honor the bitch."
"I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna call it something normal, as long as it's a normal dog and not something random and rabid that you’ve found."
Amir shakes his head, laughing. "Don't worry, it's like a real dog and shit. You can take it for walks or whatever."
He feels it again; his heart flipping over in his chest, breath catching, face heating up at Amir being nice to him. It's weird. It's a weird feeling, but it's not bad. It's... nice, watching Amir finish his nuggets, and feeling his heart flutter in his chest.
Very weird.
That's probably normal, though. It's a pretty weird time.
viii
April 2nd, 2021
Today has been a good day.
Their anniversary usually is. Amir is happy to show Jake whatever random thing he got him (a PS5, which Jake doesn't want to know how he acquired or with what cash), and then gushes about whatever random thing Jake got him (a new IPad case, because Amir keeps destroying his), and then they settled down like they do most days to spend their evening on the couch in front of the TV. As usual, Amir sits far too close to him, and he pretends not to notice, until he eventually stops pretending not to notice and just puts his arm around Amir.
It's quiet, apart from the drone of whatever show is on TV, but Jake isn't watching it; he's watching Amir, who's barely awake, head leaning against his shoulder. Phoebe comes in and hops up onto the couch, curling up in Amir's lap, and he's just awake enough to move a hand to pet her, burying it in her fur.
It's not unusual. They spend most nights like this, in some way— curled together on the couch, just them and the dog. It's a normal night for them, but their anniversary must have gone to Jake's head or something, because he's looking around and noticing. Noticing this house, this life, the most perfect dog in the world, that he has this life and it's his. Noticing Amir, the fact that he's still here after all these years, that he's the only one who never left, that he's the only one Jake could never leave. Watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, the way his jaw twitches, the way his lips move on every exhale.
He's fucking beautiful.
It's both a revelation and so obvious once he realises.
He loves Amir. Obviously he loves Amir. They're married, they live together, they sleep together in the literal sense. Jake has never let himself realise it before, buried under layers of bullshit and denial and insecurity, but he is attracted to Amir. He wants to kiss him, he wants Amir to kiss him. He wants Amir to press him into their bedsheets and show Jake he wants him.
He feels this all at once in an overwhelming wave, and all of a sudden all he can think about is him, pouring his heart out to Amir, and then this perfect life they have together falling apart. He loves the way things are. He loves Amir, and he wants to keep being with him, however Amir will take him.
Which means never ever telling Amir how he feels.
Amir grumbles, fidgeting in his sleep, and Jake shifts to keep him comfortable, arm moving to the back of the couch.
ix
April 2nd, 2022
Living with Amir has just become harder and harder ever since Jake noticed that he's in love with him.
He sees Amir more than anyone else in the world, and more and more he has to try and avoid him because he makes his stupid heart pound in chest. Amir pressed up next to him on the couch, or smiling at something funny, or dripping wet with a towel around his waist. Jake almost regrets forcing him to start showering.
It’s torture, to love someone so much and have them be so close but out of reach. He thought it would get easier, but it just gets harder.
Amir got them a cabin for their anniversary, a compromise between going on vacation and not wanting to go too far out, so they pack up the car with food and clothes and Phoebe and drive out to the forest.
There's only one bed. Obviously there's only one bed, because Amir found the cabin and he would never get them more than one bed, but the idea of sharing with Amir on their anniversary, cosy and peaceful and romantic, makes Jake's stomach twist with butterflies, which is not good. Jake has been attempting to gently phase out bed sharing with Amir, even if it's not really working. Amir tends to find him no matter where he tries to sleep, and it's worse to share with Amir pressed tight against him on their tiny couch than it is in their bed.
But here, it's all so romantic, which is even worse.
Amir wanders into the room, looking around and nodding like he’s appraising the place, Phoebe following at his heels because for some reason Jake doesn’t understand the dog really loves him, even though Jake is the one who feeds her and takes her for walks. Ungrateful bitch.
“So, what do you think?” Amir asks, gesturing around. “Pretty perfect staycation spot, huh?”
Jake nods, not sure where to put his eyes. He’s not used to feeling awkward around Amir. It feels unnatural, seems so deeply out of place to feel anything other than normal, or at his interpretation of it. Even back in the old CollegeHumor days, when Jake was trying to impress him, trying to seem cool and fun and interesting, even when Amir was at his most insane, he was never nervous around him. Now he feels out of place, and he hates it, and he can tell Amir has started noticing.
Jake shrugs, going for casual but hearing the way his own voice strains. “Yeah, it’s fine. Only one bed though.”
“Yeah, so we can share, ass.” Amir laughs and Jake nods, eyes on the bed.
“Right, but why would we share?”
“Uh, because we always share? Do you not remember?”
“What if I don’t wanna share a bed with you, man?”
It’s not what he wanted to say, but he said it, and he watches Amir furrow his eyebrows, thinking.
“What is going on with you lately?” He asks, and he’s looking at Jake so intently he feels like he’s going to explode. “You’ve been acting weird about the bed.”
“I’m not acting weird. It’s not weird for a guy to not want to share a bed with another guy.”
“Homophobic!” Amir says, and Jake scrambles to justify himself.
“I’m not homophobic, I’m—” He cuts himself off, because he’s not sure what words were about to leave his mouth but he’s still not exactly made his peace with them yet.
Amir scoffs. “Being gay doesn’t mean you can’t be homophobic, Jake. Two words. Internal. Homophone. And last time I checked, ya are one!”
“I’m not gay,” he says, because there’s so much wrong with that sentence it’s not even worth getting into, “I’m— something else. I don’t know.”
“It’s an umbrella, Jakey.” He says , and then does a terrible job at miming opening an umbrella. “You know, stop dodging the question.”
“What question?”
“What is wrong with you? You’re acting like it’s 2007, man, and on our anniversary.”
“It’s not a real wedding anniversary! We’re not actually married!”
Amir looks, for a second, genuinely hurt, but he brushes it off so quickly that Jake isn’t sure if he actually saw it or if it was just his imagination. “Since when do you care about that?“
“Since forever! I’ve been saying it the whole time!”
He shakes his head. “Oh, bullshiat, you’ve not been such a bitchbaby about it in years. What’s changed?”
My feelings changed, he wants to say. I can’t stand to lay right next to you when all I want to do is kiss you.
He thinks it’s probably not true, though. His feelings didn’t really change, he just noticed. That’s what’s causing all the problems.
“I don’t know,” he lies, but the fight has left him. He sits down heavily on the bed, and after a second, he feels the bed dip as Amir sits down next to him.
He can feel Amir hesitate, uncharacteristically careful, but over the years he’s grown a little more sensitive and a little less insane. Only a little, though. “Is this about the gay thing? I know you don’t like to talk about it, but it’s fine. It doesn’t have to be gay. We’re just two friendly dudes who sleep in the same bed, right?”
Jake can’t say the problem is I really want to sleep together in a very gay way, so he just nods, taking the out Amir has offered him. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Don’t worry about it. Let’s just have the best staycation ever.” He leans closer to elbow Jake in the arm, muttering conspiratorially. “Best friend.”
He says it like he’s doing Jake a favor, but Jake knows he just wants to hear him call Amir his best friend, and it’s so normal that it makes him smile. “Sure. Let’s do it, buddy.”
He stands up to go grab Phoebe's leash, intent to get some air to clear his head, and he smiles as he hears Amir call after him.
“Best buddy, or?”
x
April 2nd, 2023
It’s their ten year anniversary.
Ten fucking years.
If you’d have asked him ten years ago if he thought he’d be here, living in the same house as Amir, happily, he would have said he’d die before he’d condemn himself to a life with Amir.
It would have been a lie, but he'd have said it. Even back then he knew, deep down, that there was no world where they didn't end up together. It was always gonna be him and Amir, together, even if he wishes they were a little more together than they actually are.
He’s sitting in his backyard, watching the sun rise and Phoebe chase her own tail. He hears the door creak open, slowly, and then Amir comes out and sits on the bench next to him.
Amir, holding a full bottle of champagne and two glasses, already trying to pass them to Jake. “Morning. Happy anniversary.”
“Are you serious?”
“Can I interest you in a glass of champagne?” He says, ignoring Jake's question, gesturing with the bottle in a way that tells Jake he’s definitely going to drop it.
“It’s not even seven AM yet.”
“Ten years!” He shouts in lieu of an explanation, and Jake tries his best to shush him. “How baller is that?”
Jake watches him, skeptically. “Did you bring a corkscrew?”
“No need! I have this,” he pulls out one of their big kitchen knives from his pocket, and suddenly Jakes concern level goes from a fifty to a hundred, “I’ll just—“
“Please be careful, buddy—”
“It’s fine, it's easy—”
“It’s not easy, come on, do you really wanna spend our anniversary in the hospital?” That seems to talk him out of it, at least for now, so Jake takes the opportunity to take the knife out of his hand before he causes any real problems. “Okay, I’m gonna put this back and get the corkscrew.”
Amir looks disappointed, but Jake knows he’ll get over it, and grabs the only corkscrew they have; a commemorative Swiss Army knife that Amir had bought when they were in Cancun for their anniversary a few years ago.
He takes it back out to Amir who is already drinking a glass of champagne. “Oh, someone took their time! Can I pour you a glass or what?”
“How did you get it open?”
“I just, like, pulled it. I unscrewed the metal thing and pulled it. I told you it was easy.”
“You told me the knife was easy—”
“It’s easy to open, I said!” Amir snaps, but he still holds out a glass for Jake to take as he sits down. Amir passes him the glass, and when Jake takes it he can hear the glass click against his wedding ring. He rubs his thumb over it like he does sometimes, just to remind himself it's still there after all these years.
The champagne is okay. It’s the fancy kind, Jake thinks, the legit french kind, but he’s not really a wine guy. He just likes when Amir is happy, and he’s grinning watching Jake sip from his glass, the morning sun catching in his eyes and making him look like an oil painting. Jake has to force himself to look away.
“Happy ten years,” Amir says with a smile, and it's so genuine that it makes Jake smile back.
“Happy ten, man.”
“To ten more!” Amir hits his glass against Jake’s hard enough that he worries it’s going to shatter, but it doesn’t.
“Yeah, ten more,” Jake smiles, but something tugs at him, settling cold and heavy in his stomach, “unless you find someone else to marry, right?”
He says it sort of as a joke, or at least tries to, but Amir immediately looks so sad. “Why would you say that?”
Jake wasn’t expecting him to take it so seriously, so he tries to shrug it off. “I just mean— what if you find someone you actually want to marry?”
“But I’m married to you.” He says, matter of fact, like he can't even imagine anything else.
Jake shakes his head, and tries not to notice the way that makes his heart flip over in his chest. “No, I mean— it would be different, you would want to actually marry them.”
“Okay, but I’m actually married to you, so—” He trails off, dragging out the word, and Jake can’t believe he's not getting it.
“But you married me as a goof, right? What if you met somebody and you fell in love?”
“But I love you. Also, I don't take kindly to you calling our marriage a goof—”
“Don’t say you love me like that if you don't mean it, man.’
Amir just looks confused. “Of course I love you. I tell you I love you every single day. What are you even talking about?”
“Yeah, but—” Jake knows he sounds ridiculous. He’s not sure how he lost track of this conversation so quickly. He’s not sure what he can even say to make Amir understand that Jake knows he doesn’t love him the same way Jake loves him. “That’s— different.”
“No, it’s not!” Amir says, and Jake can hear him dig his heels in. “Why can't you just accept that I love you?”
“Because you don't, okay? Not the way I love you.”
“What way do you love me?”
Oh. Oh no. Jake has put himself in a sticky situation.
He’s already said it. He’s been denying for years; he may as well come clean now, and hope that it doesn’t destroy their relationship.
“I love you,” he says, and he hopes Amir understands, “I love you like I’m in love with you.”
“Oh,” Amir says, like this shit is easy, “I’m in love with you too.”
Jake doesn’t know what’s happening anymore. “What?”
“I mean, obviously. Right? I feel like I’ve been making that pretty clear.”
“Wait, you’re — you’re serious?”
Amir nods like Jake is being slow, and he thinks maybe he is, but this feels insane. “Yeah. It’s nice to hear you say it, though. I was starting to get insecure—”
“You're actually serious? You love me?”
“Yeah? I don't know why you keep asking—”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Amir shrugs. “I've been saying it everyday for the last fifteen years.”
“And you just didn’t notice I wasn’t picking up on it?”
“I thought you wanted to take it slow!” Amir says, and Jake laughs. “You seemed pretty insecure about the whole being gay thing.”
“Take it slow, we’ve been married for ten years. That’s way more than slow.”
Amir looks like he’s thinking of saying something else, but Jake leans forward, pressing their lips together, his hand moving to rest on Amir’s cheek. The cool air of the morning is so quiet he can hear Amir sigh, his hand curling in the front of Jake’s baggy t-shirt and tentatively pulling him closer, soft lips moving against his. Amir kisses slowly but persistently, like he’s impatient but knows they have all the time in the world, and Jake follows him, taking whatever Amir chooses to give. It’s everything he had hoped it would be, except it's real, Amir’s skin warm under his hands and his lips pushing firmly against Jake’s.
He doesn’t want it to end, but he breaks away, putting enough space between them to whisper into the still morning air. “I can't believe I was worried about that. I thought it was going to ruin our relationship.”
“Why?” Amir asks, and Jake doesn’t have an answer. “It would have sucked if we’d broken up just then. On our anniversary.”
Jake laughs, pulling Amir closer, and he’s so happy. “Yeah. The ten year anniversary is a bad day to get divorced, I guess.”
“It’s a good job we love each other and shit.” Amir says, thoughtfully.
"Yeah," Jake smiles, leaning his forehead against Amir's, "and shit."