“Hey, babe?”
“Hmm?” Ben mumbled from where he was laid on Josh’s bed. He was pleasantly dozing, mostly asleep but not quite, following a pretty awesome day of binging Netflix, eating pizza, and having sex with his boyfriend. The whole boyfriend thing was still pretty new to him, but it had been almost two months since the coffin incident and honestly, Ben thought this was possibly the happiest he’s ever been. He’s not even seeing anyone else, and the only happy, long-term, monogamous relationship he’d ever had before this had been Riley. Even that had been sort of ruined by the somewhat underlying nagging feeling that any second now she was going to leave him for his brother, but he was over it. Mostly.
Being with Josh had been incredible. He thought that after Riley he might never feel actual romantic love ever again, and yes he knew his rebound time was a little fast (that was not his fault though), but honestly, he was so soul-crushingly heart-achingly in love with Josh he couldn’t even bear to look to him sometimes.
Not that he’d ever told him that. What, was he just supposed to tell the love of his life that he was in love him and wanted to be with him forever? He’d been Ben Wheeler long enough to know that forevers don’t work out for him.
“Ben?”
Ben snapped out of his sleepy mental ramblings to look up at Josh, and couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at the giggle his boyfriend gave at his zoned out sleepy face. “Yeah?”
Josh let out another laugh and lowered a quick kiss to Ben’s lips. “You’re cute when you’re sleepy.”
“I’m cute all the time,” Ben muttered, and he’s not too sure how much of it came out as coherent words, but it made Josh smile, and he would do anything to see that.
Josh slumped down the bed next to him, snuggling closer. “Are you in at the bar tomorrow?”
Ben let out a long groan that Josh took to mean yes and then reached down to get the TV remote that was lying between them.
“Then we should probably go to sleep, because it’s almost two AM.”
“Or, we could not go to sleep...” Ben muttered, raising his eyebrows expectantly, earning another laugh from Josh.
“You were a zombie a minute ago.”
“Yeah well, I’m awake now.” Ben smirked, flipping over so he was on top of Josh and leaning down to kiss him.
Josh smiled into the kiss and shook his head slightly, but didn’t make any actual moves to dissuade Ben’s plan and kissed back enthusiastically as things got more heated.
Ben could do this forever with him. Lazy afternoons, late nights, whatever, wherever. He didn’t usually fall for people this quickly, and he couldn't help shake the crushing sense of impending doom, because he knows he going to screw this up, he just doesn’t know how yet.
So instead of dwelling, he’s trying to just enjoy the moment.
He gets into work late the next morning feeling on top of the world, and he’s pretty sure he radiates the “just got laid” vibe but he doesn’t even care.
Tucker is sat at the bar and Riley and Danny are sat at a table with Emma, and he rushes over to her and sweeps her up in his arms the way he knows makes her giggle. She does, and it only adds to the great feeling Ben has this morning.
“Someone’s in a good mood today.” Danny smiled at him, and Ben just nodded because, yeah, he really was.
He made funny faces at Emma for a few minutes and then moved to behind the bar to actually do his job. Tucker eyed him suspiciously.
“I can’t believe you're getting laid and not telling me about it.”
“Who said I’m getting laid?”
“Oh please,” Tucker laughed and took a swig of his drink. “You’ve been all giddy happy for like a month now, which is weird because we should still be in your Riley grieving period.”
Ben laughed. “You want me to be sadder about Riley and Danny?”
“No!” Tucker answer immediately. “...Okay, so maybe yes, but only because I have some killer best friend speeches planned! I was gonna be all ‘get yourself out there, there’s more fish in that sea’.”
“Oh, sorry to ruin your plans by not feeling crappy about my ex-relationship.”
Tucker sighed, exasperated. “That’s not the point! The point is, you're sleeping with someone and didn’t tell your best friend about it, which breaks, like, all of the best friend rules.”
“I don’t remember agreeing to any best friend rules.”
“Oh, but you did. Or do you not care about my friendship at all?”
Ben rolled his eyes at Tuckers typical over dramatic nature. “Fine, yes, okay, I am seeing someone.” Tucker looked like he was about to start yelling something, so Ben jumped back in quickly. “But it’s still new and sorta... fragile, okay? I’m figuring it out.”
Tucker laughed. “Nice try, Wheeler. You know you can’t get out of giving me the details.” Ben groaned, but Tucker carried on anyway. “Who is it? Is it someone we know? Is it someone I know? Is it someone you’ve slept with before? Is it-“
“It doesn’t matter who it is because I’m not going to tell you!”
“Why? Name one good reason.”
“Uh, because every time I tell you about a relationship it ends up getting destroyed?”
Tucker nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably a good call.”
Ben laughed. “Look man, I’m really happy. I don’t want to ruin this, but I can’t tell people yet. I’m just not ready for that yet.”
“Finnnnnneeeeeeee. I guess I can give you your personal space or whatever. God, you’re so needy.”
Tucker smiled, and Ben was grateful to him for letting him have this one. “Thanks, Tuck.”
“It’s okay. I expect to be paid back in juicy details later.”
Ben loved dating Josh, but by far his least favourite part was having to maintain the awkward lie about the start of their relationship.
It wasn’t that Ben wouldn’t like it out in the open, but he’s pretty sure that ‘I faked dating you because I wanted you to leave my moms apartment and also I was in a relationship at the time I started dating you but it was fake but then I fell in love with you for real oops’ is not something that Josh was going to respond well to. Josh could a little insecure and paranoid at the best of times, and his somewhat neurotic and hotheaded nature was something that Ben had come to love.
But it also meant that Ben was pretty sure this would destroy their relationship, so he’d resorted to just kind of praying that it never ever came up. Ever.
Although with Ben’s luck, he knew it definitely would.
“So what, you started dating me just to get me out of your moms apartment?”
“No!” Ben shouted. He wasn’t sure how they got here, and even though he’d expected this would happen eventually, but he’d hoped he had more time. “Okay well, technically yes, but-“
“What do you mean ‘technically’!?” Josh shouted back, and it broke Ben’s heart to see the hurt in his eyes.
“I mean that I hung out with you because my mom told me too-“
“So you were never interested in me?”
“No!” At the look of betrayal on Josh's face, Ben realised what he’d said. “No! I don’t mean no, I mean yes! I was interested from he beginning!”
“So you what, just thought ‘hey, oh yeah I like this guy, I’ll pretend to date him because my mom told me so’!?”
“Yes? I don’t know, she was staying with us, I wanted her to leave-“
“Yeah, that makes sense, because everything Ben Wheeler does is to benefit Ben Wheeler!”
“This isn’t coming out right-“
“Okay then, tell me. Tell what it is you’re trying to say.”
Ben felt tears prickling the corners of his eyes, but if there was one thing he was good at, it was repressing his feelings. He had years of practice.
“I don’t know, okay! It seemed like a good idea at the time, my mom needed her apartment, she didn’t even tell me you were looking for a date, she just told me hang out with you-“
“And it was all okay when you thought I was straight?”
“I didn’t think it meant anything! It wasn’t a date, and I wasn’t going to cheat on Riley-“
“Wait, slow down,” Josh looked on the verge of tears, but he also looked really goddamn angry, and Ben knew he’d really screwed this up. “You were dating Riley when you started dating me?”
“Not really!” Ben insisted. “I didn’t know it was a date! We broke up after the... funeral incident.”
“That’s after we were dating!”
“But not really!”
“God, do you even hear yourself? Do you even care about anyone’s feelings but your own?”
Josh had tears in his eyes, and it pained Ben to look at him but he couldn’t look away. Like watching a gruesome car crash in slow motion, where you can’t look away and you don’t know how to fix it, so you just stand in horror, and watch everything fall apart.
“Josh...”
“Was it all fake? The last two months, everything, was it all just part of some convoluted plot to keep me out of the apartment?”
“No!”
“You know, my name’s still technically on that lease. I could claim it back. I could take her to court. Is that why you’re still with me? Because you’re afraid I’m going to steal it back?”
“No! God-“
“How long was it gonna be until I wasn’t a problem anymore, huh? Six months? A year? Just how long was that lease, Ben?”
Ben didn’t know what he could say to make this better, so he just stared, not quite able to meet his eyes, feeling the tears threatening to finally spill over. After a few moments, Josh laughed, harsh and bitter.
“Yeah, well you don’t have to worry about me anymore, I have no interest in being involved with any of the Wheeler’s from this point on!”
This time a few tears did end up escaping down his face. “Josh, please!”
“Just get out! Get out!”
Ben left, feeling worse than he’d ever felt. As soon as the door closed, the tears that he’d been (not completely successfully) holding back finally spilling, the dam breaking and all emotion tumbling out of him. He moved down the hall in an attempt to stop Josh from hearing his breakdown, and made his way back to his apartment.
He calls his dad, because he needs to talk but doesn’t know how to talk to. Tucker is around the apartment somewhere, and he grabbed Emma from her place in front of the TV on his way to his room, because he needs her.
He doesn’t really hear anything his dad says, since he’s too busy crying and babbling and just generally wallowing in his own misery. Emma is trying to comfort him, which is actually working, kinda, and calms him down to less of a blubbering mess. God, he loves his little girl so much. He would give his heart and soul to make her happy.
His dad told him that things were going to be fine and gave him the typical dad breakup up talk of there’s plenty more fish in the sea, and it hurts now but you’ll get over it, and it helps but by the time he hangs up he still feels like crap.
He takes Emma to the kitchen because he feels they both deserve some ice cream, and just his luck his entire family had got home in the time he’d been in his room. Still, he grabbed his ice cream and two spoons, sitting down at the table and handing one to Emma. They only managed one or two bites of Ben’s sadness ice cream before someone broke the silence.
“Jeez, Benji, what’s up with you?”
“Nothing, mom, I’m fine.” Ben answered, aggressively shoving another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. Emma giggled.
“Are you sure?” Danny asked, eyes full of concern for his brother. “You seemed in such a good mood lately.”
“Oh.” Tucker chimed in from his place by the fridge, emerging with a beer bottle in his hand. “Did you break up with your secret girlfriend?”
Ben groaned. “Tucker, I told you not to say anything.”
“Woah, wait, slow down.” Bonnie took a seat at the table next to Ben and Emma. “You have a secret girlfriend and you didn’t even tell me?”
“That’s probably the point of the secret part.” Riley muttered, and Ben was really glad she was still his friend.
“But still, you don’t keep secret girlfriends from me! I’m your mother!”
Ben shoved another bite of ice cream into his mouth. “I don’t have a secret girlfriend.”
Tucker raised his eyebrows. “Uh, you can deny it now all you want, but you told me you were seeing someone.”
“I don’t have a secret girlfriend.” Ben muttered, exasperated, shoving another big spoonful of the delicious melting ice cream in his mouth. “I had a secret boyfriend.”
“What?” Bonnie asked, confusion evident on her face. “You have a secret boyfriend?”
“Had. Past tense. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
The room went quiet again, and this time it was Danny who broke the silence.
“I knew Ben was gay.”
“Oh, and you didn’t think to warn me?” Riley teased.
“I mean seriously, bro, I’ll always love you, but I always kinda knew.”
Ben laughed. “No offence Danny, but you don’t know anything.”
“No, I’m with Danny on this one,” his mom started, and Ben rolled his eyes because when wasn’t she with Danny, “I’ve always known, and I love you son.” She pulled him into an awkward sitting hug, and Ben just felt uncomfortable. “You always did take after your father.”
Tucker smiled. “Ha! Riley owes me five bucks.”
“I didn’t know!” Riley squealed. “He always seemed super into girls to me. We had sex, like, so many times, and I thought he enjoyed it-“
“As much fun as this is to watch,” Ben interjected, a small smile playing on his lips, “I’m not gay.”
Confusion spread across everyone’s faces.
“But you just said-“
“I know what I said,” Ben cut Danny off, “but I’m not gay. I dated a dude, and I like dudes but that doesn’t make me gay.”
“Uh, Benji,” Bonnie patted him on the head, “I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of gay.”
Ben sighed, a laugh escaping his lips. “So I like guys. That doesn’t change what I’ve said before. I still like chicks, I just... like both.”
Riley nodded. “So you’re bi? That makes sense, and it means I don’t owe Tucker money so I’m great with it.”
“Yeah, man, you should’ve told me!” Tucker grabbed a spoon and started eating Ben’s sadness ice cream over his shoulder. “I mean, yeah, I could’ve won my Riley bet-“ Riley scoffed- “but I could’ve hooked you up, dude! It makes it significantly easier to do wingman pick ups in bars when you actually know what your wingman is into!” Ben laughed and batted Tucker’s hand away from his sweet depression ice cream. “Also, I’m your best friend and so should have been told anyway because hello! I’m your best friend!”
“Look, bro,” Danny chimes in from across the table, “this guy you’re seeing. Do you think maybe he could be the one?”
Ben groaned. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
Danny, ever the romantic, pressed on anyway. “Are you in love with him? Because you only ever get this down in the dumps when you’re in love with someone.”
“I don’t know, Danny.”
“I think you do.” Screw Danny and his stupid perceptiveness when it came to everybody’s love life but his own. “And I think if you love someone, you should tell them. Otherwise you might miss your chance.”
Ben rolled his eyes and kept eating his ice cream. He knew Danny was right, really, but he wanted to finish his ice cream before he started trying to fix things.
“Oh. Hi.”
“It wasn’t fake.” Ben launches in straight away, tears already threatening to flow, emotion bubbling out of him like his body was just too small to contain it all anymore. “I mean, it started that way, sure, but that first time, you, me, and Emma went to that coffee shop and talked and hung out, that was all real. Every moment since then has been nothing but real, and I need you to know that because there isn’t tons of people I can be one hundred percent real around, but I am with you. I don’t care about the lease, I stopped caring about the lease months ago, all I care about is you. And you and me. Because you are one of the best people I’ve ever known, and you’re so good to Emma and I know I hurt you, but please believe me that this is literally the sorriest I’ve ever been in my entire life for anything. Which is a big deal, because I’ve done some pretty bad crap.”
Josh laughed, and Ben took that as a good sign.
“Please, just give me a chance, I’ll show you how real this is, and how much you mean to me, because this was never fake, not really. It stopped being fake when I looked into your eyes and heard you laugh and all the other things you do every day that make me fall more and more in love with you.”
“Slow down,” Josh says, and there are tears in his eyes but Ben’s not sure what that means, “you said you were in love with me.”
Ben tried to slow his erratic heartbeat. “Yeah.”
“Are you being serious?”
Ben took a deep breath and looked deep into Josh’s eyes. “Yeah.”
Josh smiled. “You've never said that before.”
“I was scared of ruining everything.”
Josh took a step closer to Ben. “What changed?”
Ben let out a small laugh. “Well, I already did ruin everything, so I have less to lose at this point.”
“You love me?” Josh was grinning. Ben could help but mirror his expression, follow his lead as he took another step closer.
“Mm-hm. With all my heart.”
“I love you too.”
They met in the middle and their lips crashed together, Ben pulling the door closed behind him as Josh pulled him in further.
"I love you.”
“I love you too.”
They order Chinese food and they have sex and then they eat the Chinese food while watching a shitty action movie, and Ben still can’t quite believe that he told Josh he loved him and not only did everything not get completely destroyed, but Josh said he loved him too. And now they’re just two people in love who can tell each other how much they love them whenever they want.
Ben’s mind was still blown.
He knew in the back of his mind that this didn’t mean they were out of the woods for good. They weren’t gonna be okay forever just because Ben apologised, and he was sure he’d find plenty more things to screw up down the road, but at least for now, things were really good.
He watched as Josh laughed at a moment on the TV that was particularly crap, his mouth full of fried rice that he ended up spitting across his coffee table, and Ben laughed too, his heart swelling.
God, he loved him. It was a good feeling.