afterlove

"So you're the bitch that stole my fiance's heart."

She glares at the headstone, cold and dark in the frosty December air, and swallows around the lump in her throat. Jake's words from that morning are still rattling around in her head; I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. I can't marry you. I'm still in love with Lerona.

And there's not much she can say to that, because the bitch is dead. There's nothing she can do other than accept it, because Jake says he's not ready, and he can't move on yet, and, well. There's no fighting with a dead girl.

Doesn't mean she can't try.

"Well, I have news for you— I'm not going to take this shit lying down. You might be dead, bitch, but I'm not about to let any dumb bitch stand between me and my man, no matter how dead. I'll exorcize the shit out of you, bitch."

"Harsh." 

She spins around and comes face to face with a young woman; she's pretty, with long dirty blonde hair and a soft smile. Neko lets her eyes, protected from view by her thick sunglasses, flick up and down the girl's body, her short-shorts and sandals highlighting her long, tanned legs.

She's gorgeous. Neko hates her.

She raises an eyebrow, folding her arms over her chest. "Who asked you?"

The girl shrugs, smiling, either not noticing Neko's hostility towards her or not caring. "Eh, I'm just makin' conversation. I take it you didn't know her?"

She gestures to the grave, and Neko scoffs. "Wow. It's incredible what you can figure out when you're eavesdropping."

Her shoulders shrug, light and easy, and she laughs. "There's not much else to do around here other than listen to what people have to say."

She raises her eyebrows at that, lifting her sunglasses onto her head. "So you just hang around in a graveyard all day spying on people?"

"What can I say? I'm outdoorsy." She smiles with a shrug, as if that explains anything. "I like to watch the kites, too, sometimes, when folks are flying them. Though it's getting cold enough that people are packing up their kites for the winter."

"It's December in New York. Of course it's getting cold." Neko narrows her eyes, pointedly shooting a look at the other girl's exposed legs. "You must be fucking freezing."

She giggles like she was just told a joke, and shakes her head. "I'm okay. I don't get cold, actually. One of those things."

"One of those things?"

Another giggle. Neko pushes down the tiny part of her brain that thinks it's cute, and maintains her mask of indifference. 

"Just one of those things. You'll get it soon." She waves a hand, like she's being dismissive, but her eyes are sharp and calculating. Like she knows something Neko doesn't. "Are you gonna go see him?"

"That's none of your business."

"I didn't say it was. Hey, I'm just talkin' to fill the silence here. It gets pretty lonely standing around on your own all day."

Neko sighs, shooting a look at the gravestone. So, this girl is sweet, and she's lonely. So what? It's not like Neko is the kind of person to care. But for some reason, she feels something tug at her heart, as if— as if this was something special.

A strange, unwanted burst of sentimentality. That's all it is. Take a deep breath, shake it off, and reset. 

"Well maybe you should just be somewhere else then."

When she turns back around, the girl is gone, and a shiver runs down Neko's spine.

Weird.

She's always hated Jake's apartment.

It makes the breakup a little bit easier, since it's a reminder of the terrible things she's leaving behind, so she doesn't have to think about how she's also leaving Jake, who— who she doesn't hate. She wishes she did. Maybe this would be easier.

There's still a fire of hope bubbling in her chest that things could work out, if she can just make him get over his dead ex-girlfriend. There's still a real chance for them yet.

Jake answers the door with a wide smile, and when he sees her, his face falls.  

"Oh, Neko, hey. You, uh— you here to collect your stuff?"

She rolls her eyes, pushing past him into the apartment. "I BBMed you to tell you I was coming, Jake. It's not my fault you never check your inbox."

"I have an iPhone, Neko. You know that."

Obviously she does, she just feels like antagonizing him. He deserves it. "That's not an excuse, Jake."

He rolls his eyes, but closes the door and moves towards the bedroom, grabbing a cardboard box she can see some of her stuff poking out of. It feels final in a way she's not a fan of, since it was pretty unclear in their initial conversation whether they were broken up or just taking a break, but it seems like Jake is already eager to move on to other things.

He's clearly waiting for someone else. He's in a nice shirt and he's wearing cologne and his apartment is the closest to clean she's ever seen it.

She hates that she still feels a push to win him back.

In an act of pure pettiness, she grabs her box from him and sits down on the couch, because if he's going to ruin her life, she's sure as hell going to ruin his evening.

He just watches her, confused. "What— why are you doing that?"

"Are you seeing someone, Jake?"

"What?!" He squeals, moving to throw himself down on the couch next to her. "No! Of course not! I told you I'm still in love with Lerona, and I can't—"

"You're all dressed up." She says, eyes narrowed. "You're clearly waiting for someone."

He scoffs, overly offended, and gestures with his hands like he feels the words won't be enough. "I mean, Amir is coming over, and we're gonna go out for dinner because I'm so fucking bummed about our break up and Lerona and shit, okay? I'm not, like, seeing anyone, Neko. That would be so not cool."

"You're wearing cologne? For dinner with Amir?"

“His mom’s in the hospital!”

She shakes her head, glaring. “You only wear your fancy European cologne for dates and job interviews, and I’m pretty sure you’re not going to a job interview.”

He just rolls his eyes. "Wow, okay. So now you're accusing me of trying to sleep with Amir? Is that it?"

"I— What?"

"Nevermind." He shakes his head and pushes himself up from the couch, shaking out his body like it will ease his frustration. "I'm sorry, Neko. This is— this is hard, okay, and I like you a lot, and I really don't want to hurt you. I'm trying to make this as easy as possible."

She glares at him for a few moments more until her resolve breaks, and she nods. "I know."

"I wish I could— fuck!— I wish there was an easier way to do this. I— I wish I wasn't holding out for... something that can't happen."

There's a picture in a frame laying on the coffee table, askew like he's been looking at it a lot, and her curiosity forces her to lean forward and pick it up, eyes roaming over it. Amir is standing in the middle of frame, smiling wide, one arm thrown around Jake's neck while he smiles in a rare display of good-naturedness. On the other side he has his arm around a girl Neko has never seen before.

"Is this her?" She asks, without taking her eyes off the picture.

There's a long pause before Jake answers, coming back to sit next to her on the couch. The more she stares at the picture, the more she feels like she has seen this girl before. She's super familiar, at least.

"That's Lerona." He says eventually, voice soft. "She was great. We miss her like crazy. It's so weird she's gone."

She's not gone, a voice in Neko's mind whispers, she was there. This morning.

Shit.

She shivers like a bucket of ice water has just been dumped over her, running back through the conversation she'd had with the girl at the grave. You'll get it soon. One of those things. Oh my god.

She saw a fucking ghost.

Not just any fucking ghost. The ghost of the love of her life's dead girlfriend.

What the fuck?

Jake keeps talking, like he hasn't even noticed the way her hands have started trembling, and she takes a deep breath, trying to center herself. Okay, so she definitely saw a ghost. Right? No wonder she was so fucking weird. It was definitely her. She kept asking about Jake, and what was going on with her, like she already knew, and Neko feels a shiver go down her spine at the idea that maybe she's been watching them. Maybe she's watching them right now. Neko doesn't know the rules of being haunted, but if she's been following them around like some kind of invisible stalker, then she's going to have to watch her fucking ghost back.

She shakes her head, holding up a hand to cut him off. "Jake—"

"I'm sorry," he says, all at once, like the words have been pulled out of him, "I'm really sorry, Neko. I should never have dragged you into my shit."

"Yeah." She sighs, because she isn't sure what else to say, other than pathetically begging him to stay. "We could still make it work, Jake. We could—"

"It's not gonna work, Neko. Whatever you suggest isn't gonna work."

"Why not?" She hates herself for getting upset, but he's not even fucking trying. "Jake, I love you, I don't understand why we can't—"

"We just can't, Neko."

"God, will you stop interrupting me?"

She drops her head into her hands, and she hears a sharp intake of breath, like Jake has something to say but is second guessing himself.

“Maybe I should just go home.” She mumbles, because it’s something she’s been thinking for a while now. New York is starting to feel less and less like a place she belongs, and more like a place she just happens to be. A place where shitty things keep happening to her, and now she’s seeing ghosts.

“I mean, that's a good idea.” He nods, quietly. “You gotta drop off all your stuff.”

“No, Jake.” She mumbles, rolling her eyes. “Home home. Back to Tokyo.”

He frowns. “What?

“I'm sick of New York. Nothing here is working out the way I thought it would.”

Jake shakes his head. “Neko, I— I didn't want you to leave—”

“You didn't want me to stay. Did you, Jake?”

He shakes his head like she's being ridiculous. "I do want you to stay!" 

She peers at him through the gaps in her fingers, suddenly not in the mood to fight with him anymore. She has a headache, and feels worse than when she got here, and has to go deal with that fucking ghost.

"Not enough to marry me though."

It's not a question, just a statement of fact, but Jake shakes his head. "Neko, come on—"

She stands up and grabs her box. "You just don't give a shit. Do you even love me?"

He looks so caught off guard by that question, like he was shocked she would even care to ask it, that she can't bear to stay long enough to hear the answer.

She opens the door, and slams straight into someone with their hand on the doorknob. 

"Oh. Hi, Neko."

It's Amir. 

She doesn't give him the courtesy of even responding, just rolls her eyes and mutters “asshole” under her breath as she pushes past him. She leaves, walks down the hallway with as much pride as she can muster, and forces herself not to look back.

"I know you're here, bitch!"

She rushes straight to Lerona's grave, looking around for the girl who was here before. She knows what she saw, she knows the girl in the picture was the girl she spoke to before, and now that she's done freaking out (mostly) she wants some fucking answers. 

"Come out, bitch. You're around here somewhere."

When she hears the voice, she jumps.

"You looking for me?"

And just like that, she's face to face with the girl from the picture.

It's definitely her. Without a doubt. She looks almost exactly the same, barring the outfit. Her eyes are so bright and warm and sharp, like she knows what's happened and is waiting for Neko's reaction. Like she's always one step ahead. 

Neko punches her in the shoulder. 

"Ow! What was that for?"

The punch connected; Neko could feel the force against her knuckles. Weird.

Neko shakes her head. "You don't feel like a ghost to me."

"I'm not a ghost," she says, eyes crinkled with mischief, "I'm her twin sister."

Neko narrows her eyes. "Is that true?"

She just shrugs. "If you want it to be."

"Have you been stalking me?"

"I have nay. Why would I do that?"

Neko pushes her shoulder again, just to check that she’s really there. “Because I’m engaged to your ex boyfriend.”

“Formerly engaged.” She smirks, and Neko can feel her blood boiling in her veins. “Or so I hear. Plus, me and Jake never actually broke up, so I think he’s still technically my boyfriend.”

She shakes her head, hand reaching for her phone. “I’m going to exorcize you. I hope you like being disintegrated, bitch.”

“Come on, I just wanna talk.” She smiles, gesturing with her hands for Neko to start talking.

Neko frowns. “About Jake?”

She shrugs. “Maybe. If you wanna talk about Jake, then sure, but I should warn you, I kind of think he’s an asshole.”

“Why do you think he’s an asshole?

She makes a face like it’s obvious. “Uh, maybe because he killed me?”

“He killed you?” Neko echoes, eyebrows furrowed. “Are you serious?”

“Well. If you have a pretty loose definition of the word killed.”

“Loose definition? What does that even mean?” Neko scoffs. “Did he kill you or not? That seems like an important distinction.”

“Well, I got hit by a bus.”

“Was he driving the bus?”

“He was there!” Lerona squeals, frowning. It's the first time Neko has seen her look anything other than sweet and bubbly. She’s got a hot streak, she thinks to herself, watching Lerona’s face turn red. “I would be alive if it wasn't for him. Not to mention it's a real asshole move to steal your best friend's girlfriend.”

“You dated Amir?”

“Yeah, Jake didn't tell you?”

“No, he didn't.” He bites her lip, thinking. Jake hates talking about what happened with Lerona, so Neko only really knows the shreds of the story Emily had told her. There was an accident, Jake’s girlfriend or whatever totally bit the dust, she had told her one night over glasses of wine. Jake would only talk about her, never about what happened to her, which makes sense since it seems like he’s the bad guy in that story.

Lerona just smiles, though it doesn’t reach her eyes like before. “I mean, if he didn’t tell you about that, who knows what else he didn’t tell you, right? Maybe you dodged a bullet.”

“Watch it,” she snaps, though it doesn't have the same bite she would usually put behind it, “I still love him. Just because there’s complications, doesn’t mean Jake and I are done permanently.”

“Really?” She asks, eyeing the box under her arm that's clearly labeled 'NEKO' in Jake's handwriting. “You think you guys can come back from this?”

“Couples have problems all the time. We were planning a wedding, there’s going to be stress on the relationship.”

“I really don’t think you should get back with Jake. It seems like a bad idea.”

"You would say that, wouldn't you." She narrows her eyes, but the other girl just looks confused. "He's clearly still in love with you. It's no surprise you'd want me out of his life so you could— what? Have him for yourself?"

Her eyes go wide, like she wasn't expecting Neko to say that. "What? No! I don't want that! I'm a ghost, I don't even know that I would be able to— how would that even work?"

"You seem real enough," Neko scoffs, "I'm sure it's not that hard to imagine, if you're determined enough. But no matter what you're planning to try— it's not going to work. Jake and I are going to get married."

She shakes her head, taking a deep breath. "It's Neko, right? Your name?"

"Why." Neko answers as bluntly as possible, trying to ignore the fact that her name is written on her box.

"Well, I'm Lerona." She smiles and holds out a hand, hesitating when Neko doesn't take it.

"I know who you are."

"Right, yeah, I know that you do. I just thought maybe we could—"

"What, be friends?" Neko laughs. "I'll pass. A haunting from a ghost who wants to steal my fiancé is the last thing I need, thank you."

"I'm not trying to steal your freaking fiancé, okay?" Lerona snaps, and it makes Neko smile a little. "I just think we can... help each other."

She raises a manicured eyebrow, considering. "Help each other?"

Lerona nods. “Yeah. Clearly there are things Jake didn’t want you to know, and I can tell you. Then maybe you’ll rethink the whole ‘operation get back with Jake’ thing you’ve got going on.”

She’s quiet for a moment, thinking over the offer. “What would I have to do for you?”

“Nothing.” She smiles, leaning forward a little on her toes. “Just listen.”

“And, pretending I believe that you really have no intention of trying to get Jake back, how exactly does that help you?”

“Trust me, it does.”

Neko thinks about the offer for a long moment, eyes narrowed in thought. There’s no reason for Lerona to offer her information with no ulterior motive. She said that they would be helping each other, and Neko is smart enough and experienced enough to know that there's danger in taking deals where you don't fully understand both sides. Hell, her job is to make sure that her boss isn't getting screwed over by anyone trying to take advantage; she’s done enough deals in her life to be wary of offers that seem too good to be true.

“Fuck this.” She mutters, shaking her head. "No fucking way. Fuck this, and fuck you for thinking I'm stupid enough to fall for whatever plan you have. I'm done with you."

"No, come on! I swear, I'm not trying to trick you or whatever, I just—"

"I don't wanna hear it. Bye, bitch." Neko calls over her shoulder, already walking away.

She hits the gates of the graveyard and looks back, expecting to see Lerona following her, but the graveyard is eerily empty. She shakes her head, steeling herself, and takes a deep breath, trying not to think about the ghost that is almost definitely following her home to haunt her. 

The wind is biting and frosty cold, but she pulls her scarf tighter around her neck, and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach.

She doesn't sleep at all that night. 

She can't close her eyes without her thoughts swirling with everything that had happened. The ghost, the graveyard, the breakup— it's almost too much, all piling on top of her while she tries to push it down and fall asleep. She barely lasts twenty minutes before she admits defeat and pulls her phone from its charging station.

First she googles ghost, which mostly just brings up stuff about the movie, and then tries dispel ghost which brings up mostly Christian articles about 'living with your ghosts', or something. She falls down a rabbit hole through a web ring until she's looking through pages of unfinished business and becoming trapped in the mortal realm that almost make her feel... bad for Lerona. At least from these articles, it seems like being a ghost really sucks, and ghosts should be trying their best to move on because of how much it sucks. 

There can always be exceptions, though. These online ghost hunters might not even know what they're talking about anyway, most of them have never even met a ghost.

The whole thing sits heavy in her chest, like a bomb in her ribcage, waiting to go off. She needs to know more. Haunting her, in more than one sense of the word.

She has to go back to the graveyard and talk to Lerona.

It's good for her to have something to focus on to distract her from what's going on with Jake, anyway, she rationalises. She can't take her eyes off the prize; her and Jake already have half a wedding planned, and they're going to go through with it. Probably. She's not going to turn and run back home to her parents, crying like a baby because she couldn't fix her own problems.

She meant it when she said it to Jake, though. She is thinking about it. It seems so easy to go back home, where she knows there's no ghosts, and no Jake, and she hasn't made a fool of herself by getting dumped by her fiance. As far as she sees it, she has two options left; she marries Jake, or she goes back to Japan.

First, though, she needs to get to the bottom of this ghost thing.

She shuts down her phone and closes her eyes again. Fuck. Back to the graveyard, I guess.

It takes her a few days to work up the nerve to go back, but the nagging curiosity combined with waiting for a text from Jake that doesn't seem to be coming drove her back there sooner than she would have liked. So, she goes to work, outperforms everyone else again, and then takes a detour through the graveyard on her way home.

Lerona is just there, looking like she's waiting for nothing in particular, sitting on a bench not far from her own grave.

She's not sure what to say, so she just approaches and waits for Lerona to notice her.

It takes her a moment, longer than Neko expected, like she was trapped in her own head about something, but when she sees Neko, she smiles.

"Neko! Sup! You came back."

"Yeah," she nods, unsure. "I wanted to follow up with you about some of the things you said before."

"Really?" She laughs, moving over on the bench to give Neko room to sit down. "Follow up with me?"

Neko nods again. "Yes. There are questions I would like to ask that I think only you can answer."

She shrugs. "Okay, have a seat."

Lerona pats the bench next to her, and Neko hesitates, thinking about it for a second too long before sitting down. She hopes Lerona didn't notice, but it's hard to read her sometimes. She has a look on her face like she always knows what you're trying to hide.

"What do you wanna know?" She asks.

Neko thinks. "You're a ghost."

"Exactly right."

She stops, considering. She's not sure, now that she's here, what it is she really wants to ask. Her curiosity has gotten the better of her, and she needs to know everything. "When was the last time you spoke to Jake?"

Lerona sighs. "A while ago. He's not... he doesn't see me, like Amir does. He was eager to move on, I think."

She furrows her eyebrows, thinking. That's not what she heard from Jake. Lerona doesn't know Jake is still in love with her, which is— odd. She seems to know everything else.

Weird.

"Okay," Neko nods, "when was the last time you spoke to Amir?"

"This morning." She answers quickly, and the surprise must show on her face, because Lerona laughs. "He likes to come visit me a lot. It's sweet, in an Amir sort of way. He knows it can be— uh, lonely, for me, here. He's a very kind guy."

Neko scoffs before she can help herself. "Those aren't the words I would use to describe him."

"Oh?" She asks, but she's smiling like she already knows what Neko thinks.

She probably does. It's not an unpopular opinion.

"He's an asshole," she mumbles, rolling her eyes, "he's mean spirited and harsh and annoying to be around. I'm pretty sure he's a really bad guy."

Lerona shakes her head, giggling. "He's not so bad once you get to know him. He's actually very sweet under the surface."

"I'm pretty sure he tried to poison me at my engagement dinner," she laughs, "the only reason he didn't is because I refused to eat any of his garbage food."

Lerona laughs, head thrown back, bright and full and so alive it strikes Neko in the chest like a bullet. "He's mostly harmless, don't worry. He's just possessive."

"Tell me about it," Neko rolls her eyes, which makes Lerona giggle again, "so, back to the ghost thing."

"Sure. Fire away." Lerona smiles, making guns with her fingers and shooting off into the distance.

Neko smiles. "Okay, so, you're— haunting us?"

"I'm not haunting you," she says, holding out a hand to cut her off, "I'm not haunting anyone, in particular, I'm just... haunting, I guess."

"Do you like being a ghost?"

"No," she closes her eyes, though she looks deep in thought, "though maybe it's better than never seeing the people I love again. I don't know. I just hate that I'm stuck here."

Neko hums, watching her. "You don't like New York?"

She sighs, a sad smile that doesn't reach her eyes. "I love New York. I miss being able to see most of it."

Neko swallows hard, contemplating. She still doesn't really know what the practicalities of being a ghost entail, but it seems... difficult. "You can't leave the graveyard?"

She shakes her head, eyes locked on the swirling bark of a nearby tree. "I wish I could. I'm, like, bound here, or something.”

“Do you have... unfinished business?” She cringes as she says it, the cliche sounding ridiculous coming out of her mouth, but Lerona just shrugs.

“I mean, yeah, obviously. Everything that happened with Jake, and never apologizing to Amir, and not getting to read the Lord of the Rings books, not getting to see my sister's wedding, never getting to settle down—"

"So yeah."

"Well, I guess. I died from being hit by a bus when I was twenty six. Obviously there were things I wanted for my life that didn't happen, and some of those things I can never do now no matter what happens. So I don't know that there's even the possibility of me, like, I don't know, finishing my business or whatever. I don't know that I even have the option to move on."

She sounds sad, but there's something else to the way she talks about unfinished business; almost like she's hiding something specific, though Neko doesn't really know what her life consisted of besides her relationship with Jake and, she just recently learned, Amir. 

"Are you sure you don't have any idea?" She asks, shooting for sincere and hoping she doesn't come off as passive aggressive.

Lerona just shrugs, but her eyes are shifting back and forth like she's looking for something to say. "There's lots of things it could be, I don't know. It's hard to know what I need to clear up or whatever when no one even really notices I'm gone."

"People notice you're gone." Neko mutters, instinctively.

Lerona just shakes her head. "Nay freaking way. Not really."

"Jake talks about you a lot."

She scoffs. "Jake doesn't talk about me, Jake talks about having a dead ex girlfriend. The only reason he even remembers me is because he was there when I died. It's just, like, the lingering trauma or whatever."

"He loves you."

"No, he doesn't." She sighs, and stares off at the skyline. "I don't know that anyone ever did."

Neko is quiet for a long moment, internalising. She wasn't expecting Lerona to be so— sad. It makes sense, in hindsight. She is a ghost. But after so long hanging around the periphery or Neko's relationship as seemingly everything she could never be, she expected her to be more fulfilled. 

"I'm sorry." She says, because she feels for her, and doesn't really know how else to say it. "That sucks."

"Yeah," Lerona says, but she smiles, and laughs a little, like she wasn't even expecting Neko to answer, "it does."

It's getting dark, the sun dipping past the edge of the tallest buildings, and Neko knows she can't stay much longer, but, against all odds, she finds herself wanting to. It's a strange feeling, and one she doesn't quite know what to do with.

"I need to go."

Lerona nods, like she had been expecting Neko to say that, and smiles. "Thanks for today. I really appreciate it."

Neko just watched her for a second, and she looks so genuine that it catches her off guard. She's not sure she's ever spent so much time with someone who was so sincerely pleased to hang out with her for a little while. 

"I'll come back." She says, and hearing the words surprises herself.

Lerona actually looks surprised, which is a look Neko hasn't seen on her often. "You will?"

"Yeah."

"You don't have to." Lerona mumbles, dropping her eyes. It makes something in Neko's chest hurt. "You don't have to feel obligated, or whatever."

"I know," she nods, "I don't. I will be coming back."

Lerona smiles at her, big and bright and beaming, and for a second it takes her breath away just how beautiful she is.

"Okay," she starts, still smiling wide, "well, good night, then. I guess I'll see you next time."

"I guess you will."

Neko turns quickly to hide her own smile, but from the look on Lerona's face she has a feeling she clocked it anyway. It doesn't matter. 

The sun falls lower behind the skyline, and Neko thinks of next time.

"Tell me about you," Lerona says, the next time, sitting in a patch of grass towards the emptier side of the graveyard, "I feel like you're always asking me things. What about you?"

Neko shrugs. "What do you want to know?"

"Anything," she answers with a smile, and Neko knows she's mirroring the expression on her own face, "what do you do for work?"

"I'm a lawyer. Corporate, so it's really arguing about contracts."

"Do you like it?"

"It's fine," she says, "now it's less actually practicing and more team leading, but I have a lot of freedom, and the money is good."

Lerona sighs. "That's really cool, I wish I was smart enough to do something so highbrow. I mostly worked retail and then died."

"You're smart." Neko says, before she can stop herself, and Lerona just laughs.

"If you say so." She stares up at the cloud for a second, before turning back to Neko, head tilted. "What about outside of work? What do you like to do for fun?

Neko thinks for a long moment. "I like Resident Evil."

Lerona smiles wide. "You're into video games?"

"I love video games. There's no way to unwind like killing some zombies at the end of the day."

"That's awesome," she says, eyes wide, "I used to love that stuff, back when I had a TV and a console and... an apartment, I guess."

She shakes her head. "I wish you could come play with me, it's been so long since I've had a player two. Jake used to hate it. He would make me turn it off because he thought it was gross."

"You talk about Jake a lot," she laughs, "if I wanted to hear someone talk about Jake nonstop, I'd get back together with him."

"Why have you never tried to get back together with Jake?" She asks, head tilted.

Lerona shakes her head. "Neko, it was a joke—"

"No, I know, but seriously. I'm genuinely curious."

"I don't want to get back together with Jake," she huffs, rolling her eyes, "I loved Jake, but that's in the past. there's no point holding onto something I don't even want anymore."

Neko shrugs. "What do you want?"

She laughs, but it's short and bitter, not light and happy like her usual laugh. "I want to move on. I want out of this fucking graveyard. I don't know that I even can."

"I can help you," Neko says, mind whirring into action, "tell me what needs to happen, and I can help."

"I don't know that anyone can help. I think I'm just doomed to stay here. It is what it is."

"Come on, lay it on me," she says, ready to help as best she can, "what's the actual process?"

"Ghost stuff is kind of complicated," she starts, taking a deep breath like she knows this is going to be a long story, "so, basically you have, like, a soul, right? And your soul is the thing that gets stuck on Earth when you're a ghost. Souls are supposed to be kept among the stars, which is, like, more or less heaven, or something, but if you have too many earthly attachments left you can't ascend. I think. It's pretty complicated and if I'm being super honest, I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been when they explained it to me."

"Okay," Neko nods, trying to take this all in, "so you just have to free yourself of your earthly attachments? What does that mean?"

"Unfinished business," she says, rolling her eyes, "you have to clear your conscience or whatever. I don't know. That might not even be right."

"So, if we can finish your business, you can move on? You won't be trapped here anymore?"

"I don't see why not." She leans back, laying down in the grass, staring up at the clouds. After a long moment, she speaks again, quieter than before. "I wonder what it's like up there."

Neko shrugs, carefully laying down next to her in the grass. "Maybe it's just whatever you want it to be."

"Maybe," she smiles, turning her head towards Neko, "I hope it's as fun as the world."

"It probably will be," Neko smiles at her, faces close, and for some reason gets the urge to look down at her lips, "it's probably better."

"I don't know how anything up there could be any better than this." She grins, gesturing around at them, and her eyes sparkle, her face close enough that Neko can see the ocean in her eyes.

She gets the sudden, powerful urge to lean forward and kiss her.

Neko sits up, suddenly, blood rushing to her head. "I, uh— I think I have to get going. I don't want to be late."

She looks back just in time to see Lerona's face fall, but she recovers quickly, plastering on a smile and nodding back at her. "Yeah, of course. Thanks again for hanging out with me. I really appreciate it."

"Thanks for... letting me hang out here." She nods, trying not to look as thrown off balance as she feels. 

She pulls herself to her feet, Lerona following after her, and turns to her, not wanting to leave things weird, but feeling very weird.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

Lerona beams, and Neko feels the knot in her chest start to loosen. "Yeah, totally. Tomorrow."

She doesn't look back as she walks away, but Lerona's smile doesn't leave her mind the whole time.

She barely locked the apartment door behind her and slipped off her boots when her phone dings with a text message.

It's from Jake.

She unlocks her phone to stare at it, brow furrowed in confusion. It just says hey. Neko knows what a hey means from Jake, but she doesn't know why he's sending it to her now, after she's been trying to get him to talk to her for days.

She thinks about it. She thinks about Jake, and marriage, and her future. She thinks about Lerona, before chastising herself. There's— there's nothing there, with Lerona. Even if there was, what kind of a future would that be? She's heartbreak in a bottle, and Neko has had enough with heartbreak.

Hey, she sends back, and she barely has to wait a minute for a response.

you busy tonight?

She meets him in a poorly lit but fairly empty bar they used to go to when they were together, and spots him sitting over on one of the couch seats in the corner on his own. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself. Tonight feels like the last stand. Make or break.

She walks over, sitting down next to him.

"Jake."

"Neko!" He smiles, looking tense, and leans over to give her a kiss on the cheek. "I got you a drink."

It's a gin and tonic with a slice of lime, just the way she likes it.

She smiles, taking a sip. "What's the occasion?"

"I just, uh— I thought maybe we should talk."

She shrugs, raising an eyebrow. "So talk."

"I, uh— I was thinking that, we, we should— fuck." He takes a long swig from his beer, and Neko notices the three empty bottles sitting off to the side of the table. "I'm sorry, shit, I don't think I can do it. I was going to— I mean, I'm—"

"Were you going to ask me to get back together?" She asks, eyes narrowed.

Jake nods, running a hand through his hair. "I miss how easy things were with us. But I don't think— I thought I could, but I can't."

Neko rolls her eyes. "You dragged me all the way out here for that?"

"Neko, I'm—"

"I don't want to get back together, Jake." Neko says, and suddenly, without warning, Lerona pops into her head, with her bright eyes and wide smile and warmth. Then she remembers that she's not the only one who thinks about her like that, and her gaze hardens against her will. "Is this about Lerona?"

“I don't know, man.” He mumbles, taking a swig of his beer. “The Lerona stuff is complicated. It's been two years and I still feel like shit about it. It’s like I cant fucking move on from it because I know it’s my fault. Not to mention Amir's still mad at me about it, and Lerona’s still mad at me about it—”

“What makes you think she's still mad about it?” Neko asks, stirring her drink with the straw. “Maybe she's moved on.”

Jake scoffs. "She's made it extremely clear that she's still mad about it. She tells me every freaking time I see her."

"What?" She narrows her eyes, trying to read him. "Jake, you— you see her?"

"Yeah, every so often," He nods, "Amir sees her like, everyday, though, and I know she's mad I don't go more often, but she tries to make me feel like shit about it every time I'm there."

“There, at the— at the graveyard?”

"Yeah," he whines like it's obvious, "she should be lucky I go as much as I do, since she's always such a bitch about it."

Neko rolls her eyes, gesturing with her glass. “If you know she’s there and you can fucking see her, then why aren’t you still dating her?”

Jake narrows his eyes, like he's trying to make sense of what she’s saying. “What?”

“She’s out there. You could be with her! You’re always talking about how fucking in love with her you are—”

“I’m not in love with Lerona, Neko.” His eyes are clearer than she’s seen them all night, and he takes a long swig from his beer, rubbing his face. “I never was. Or, I was, maybe, but not like that. It’s not—”

“What are you talking about, Jake?” She sits up, trying to look him in the eyes, but he’s avoiding her gaze, eyes locked on his hands where he’s peeling the label off his bottle. “You told me you love her, that you couldn’t get over it and that’s why we couldn't—”

“I’m sorry,” he says, closing his eyes and tipping his head back, “I know, shit, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to— I thought it would be easier, like this. But it's not.”

Neko leans back in her chair, watching him. He’s a fucking liar, she knows, but she’s not sure why yet. He looks so torn up it makes her heart hurt for him a little, the love she still has for him burning up her throat and trying to force her to say anything she can to make it better, to make him stop looking so fucking hurt.

“Is it—” she starts, carefully, almost not wanting to hear the answer. “Is there someone else?”

He sighs, and finally meets her eyes, and she knows she’s right.

“Yeah.” He says, after a long moment of silence. “Kind of. It’s— it’s complicated.”

“Complicated,” she echoes, shaking her head. She refuses to cry, but it hurts, even if she’d had a feeling about it for a while. “Complicated how?”

“Complicated like it’s never gonna happen. It never can happen, it’s—” He shakes his head, dropping his bottle to the table and his head into his hands. “I’m having a real hard time, Neko. I should never have brought you into it, and I’m so sorry. I thought maybe I could— I thought maybe if I really tried with us, I could forget. Like if I pretended for long enough it would disappear.”

“Jake...” She mumbles, and his words hurt like hell but the part of her that still loves him forces her forward, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

He lets out a sob, broken and strangled, and her heart breaks for him. 

“Neko,” he whispers, and she has to lean in close to his face to even hear, watching as he shoots nervous looks around the room. He’s so scared. "I'm— I, uh, fuck."

"What's wrong?" She whispers, as quietly as he did, and he meets her eyes for just a second before he looks down at his hands.

"I'm— I'm gay, Neko. I think. It's— it's hard, I'm—"

She cuts him off, surging forward to give him a hug. 

He's sort of crying, sort of trying to stop himself from crying, but he buries his face in her shoulder and holds her tight anyway. They stay like that for a while, attracting confused looks from all the other bar patrons, but she just gives them her best, bitchiest glare and keeps stroking his hair.

He pulls back, face still red but breathing more even, and the first thing Neko does is punch him in the shoulder.

"Ah!" He squeals, grabbing his shoulder and looking at her with offence. "What the hell was that for?"

"That was for lying to me and breaking my heart, but it's out of my system now." She laughs and his eyes soften, and she realizes it's true. Things feel better, like she's been able to actually process now she's not tearing herself apart with wonder and hope and fear. She's maybe not all the way there, but she's better than she was before, and that's what counts. The truth helps, a little, but she can feel for the first time that she's started to move past it on her own.

Mostly on her own. She has a feeling she owes some thanks to Lerona, too.

"I really am sorry, Neko." Jake whispers, but he seems lighter than before. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know." She nods, and, with a sip of her drink, tries to change the subject. "So, tell me about this mystery man."

Jake groans, but it's easier, less weighty and more frustrated than he was before. "Fuck, it's just so... complicated."

"Complicated?" She furrows her eyebrows. "How do you mean?"

"As in it's pointless even trying." He mutters, and he looks so dejected. "It's— it's impossible."

"Why?" She asked, eyebrows furrowed. "You're sure he's straight?"

Jake shakes his head. "I know he's not."

"He's taken? I would think you of all people would know that doesn't mean much, Jake."

"Ouch, but fair." He nods, but he still looks unconvinced. "It's not anything specific, it just— I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Just because someone sleeps with men doesn't mean he'd— he'd have any interest in an actual relationship with me." He goes back to peeling the label off his bottle, and he looks so sad and disappointed that Neko feels like she has to make him see how ridiculous he's being.

"It doesn't mean he wouldn't, dickhead."

Jake scoffs, offended. "Unnecessary!"

"You're scared, Jake and that's making you stupid."

He frowns. "This is not the tender emotional coddling I need right now."

Neko shakes her head. "If you actually wanted coddling, you'd have come out to somebody else."

"Fair. Do you really think he'd— I mean, I'm not saying you know him, like, whatever, it doesn't—"

"Do I?" She asks, eyes narrowed, on the precipice of realization but not quite over the edge yet. "Is it someone I know?"

Jake splutters indignantly, and all of a sudden, it just makes sense.

Of fucking course.

Jake's still scrambling to find words to defend himself, but Neko already knows. "It's not— I mean— I don't know who you—"

"Jake. I get it." She says, gently, putting a hand on his shoulder. "And for what it's worth, I think he loves you, and I think he has for a while, but if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. People get dumped all the time."

"Yeah?" 

"Look at me," she smiles, gesturing to herself, "I had my engagement broken off and I'm okay."

"Are you?" Jake asks suddenly, eyes soft. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Well. Mostly." She nods, attempting to figure out how she feels. She's a lot closer to fine than she was two weeks ago, and maybe that's what counts. Baby steps. "It's— I'm fine."

Jake takes another sip of his drink, swallowing hard. "Are you still thinking about going back to Japan?"

"I don't know." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "Everything here has just gotten so messy. I'm tired of it."

"I can see that," he nods, smiling at her, "but just because it's messy doesn't mean it's worth leaving, right?"

She downs the rest of her drink, considering. "Maybe you have a point. I'm just sick of feeling like things are so complicated."

Jake shrugs. "Well, they don't have to be complicated for tonight, right? You want me to get you another drink?"

She nods, holding up her empty glass for him to grab, and watches as he approaches the bar. She deserves one night off from all the drama.

She wakes up feeling like she's been hit by a bus.

it takes her longer than she'd like to admit to realize she's not even in her apartment, she's slept on Jake's couch, of all places, and she can hear him plodding around somewhere behind her, trying and failing not to make noise.

"Jake," she says, throat scratchy, pushing herself to sit up, "what time is it?"

He shushes her. "Not so loud. It's early."

"Is it?"

"It's—" she hears him shuffle around, presumably looking for him phone, before sighing. "It's actually twelve forty five, so... Not that early."

"Shit." She drops back down onto her back, closing her eyes and letting her brain recalibrate in an effort to stop the room from spinning so much. "Why did I sleep on your couch?"

He shrugs. "I don't remember. Maybe you lost your keys?"

"No, I remember that," she says, thinking back to them getting late night takeout and eating it with the half bottle of Bacardi Jake kept on top of his fridge, "I mean why am I on the couch?"

"I think I figured you wouldn't want to share a bed, you know, after everything." She can hear him run the faucet, then the clink of a glass as he puts a glass of water on the coffee table next to her head. "I was trying to be a gentleman."

"Some fucking gentleman you are," she scoffs, leaning up on her elbows and grabbing the water, "making your guest sleep on the couch."

He laughs, then winces, and chugs half his glass of water in one, which Neko mimics. He drops his glass onto the table and sits in the chair on the other side.

"I feel like death." He says after a while, and Neko laughs.

"Yeah, me too. That was harder than I was expecting to go last night."

"Yeah." Jake runs a hand through his hair, pulling, but he's smiling. "It was fun though. It's nice to just go out without any, uh— expectations."

"Expectations," Neko rolls her eyes, laughing, "because everyone in the world wants to fuck you."

"You know what I mean," Jake swallows the rest of his glass of water, dropping it down onto the table, "though it doesn't help that I'm stylin' as hell and actually, yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone does wanna fuck me."

"Christ," she shakes her head, "such a heavy burden to bear."

He laughs, and Neko can tell he has to suppress a wince at how loud his own voice sounds. "Tell me about it. It's not easy being me." 

"At least you don't have to contend with the girls anymore. Just focus your efforts on hot guys."

"Yeah." He nods. He's still smiling, but he gets a contemplative look on his face. "You're, uh— you're taking this really well. Like, really well."

She shrugs. "I suppose. I mean, I care about you a lot, Jake. I loved you, I still love you, and I felt like I couldn't move on because I— I don't know, I needed closure or something."

"I wish I'd just told you," he says, shaking his head, "you're my friend, Neko, and I care about you. I was just so fucking scared, and I didn't want to admit it to anyone, or myself, but I couldn't stop feeling it."

"I get it." She smiles, and pulls herself up from the couch to get some more water, wobbling a little when she gets to her feet. "Do you want to get breakfast?"

"I could eat." She hears him approaching behind her as she fills her glass with water, moving past her to open the fridge, surveying its contents, pulling out an avocado and a tub of olive oil. "The usual?"

"Sure." She nods, opening the cupboard to grab some bread.

It's easier than she thought it would be, friendship with Jake. Now that it doesn't feel like they're playing an elaborate game of 4D chess that she's losing, it's much easier to let go and just enjoy his company again. She understands what he was saying about the freedom from expectation; the feeling of knowing where they stand, knowing that she doesn't have to do anything other than be herself and enjoy their time is like taking a breath of fresh air after years of breathing in fumes. She feels lighter, and she hadn't even realized, but it feels good. 

Jake looks at her and smiles and it feels right.

She grabs a water bottle from his room before she leaves, filling it with water and ice and assuring him she'll bring it back, before heading out into the world. She's never needed her sunglasses more, eyes burning in the afternoon sunlight, and pulls her coat tighter around herself to fight against the frosty wind as she walks. She heads for the cemetery; it's in between her apartment and Jake's, more or less, and she wouldn't mind seeing the only person she'll stand outside in the December frost for.

When Neko reaches the section with Lerona's grace, she sees Lerona standing in the path, staring at the sky. She looks curious, like she's trying to figure something out.

"What are you doing?" Neko says, sidling up next to her.

Lerona jumps, then laughs, slapping Neko's arm. "Sheesh, you scared me!"

"I scared you?" Neko laughs. "I thought you were supposed to be the ghost."

"Very funny, Neko. That's insensitive to the ghost community. We're not all scary. We can be nuanced."

"Ghost community?" She asks, eyebrows raised. "There's more of you?"

"Sure, probably." Lerona shrugs. "Not— not here, but somewhere, almost definitely, maybe."

She nudges Lerona's shoulder, gesturing up at the sky, where she had been looking before. "What were you looking at?"

"Oh," she says, shaking her head like she's forgotten, "I was thinking about flying a kite."

Neko laughs. "Have you been talking to Jake?"

She scoffs, offended. "Kites are fun! It's like fishing for the sky."

"And fishing is fun?"

Lerona laughs. "I don't know, I just miss having fun. Doing things. I wish I could go to restaurants or museums or have picnics again."

Neko furrows her eyebrows, thinking. "Can you still eat?"

"Yeah," she nods, "I don't need to, but I can. Amir brings me food sometimes, but mostly I just don't eat."

"Why do I never see Amir visiting you? Everyone talks about him like he's here every day. I've never seen him come here."

Lerona just laughs. "He's not here every day, but he is here a lot. He mostly comes in the morning, though. I think you're at work."

"Why isn't he at work?" Neko asks, rolling her eyes, as if she hasn't heard about Amir's erratic schedule from Jake over and over and over again.

"He's actually a very sweet guy," Lerona smiles, laughing when Neko rolls her eyes, "I'm serious! He's kind and thoughtful when it counts. He's just— he expresses it in ways that are... atypical."

Neko scoffs. "He stabbed Jake, and that's the guy he considers his best friend. That's not atypical, that's fucked up."

"I guess," she shrugs, "I don't wanna make excuses for him, I'm just saying there's more to him than you think."

"If you say so." Neko shrugs, unconvinced, but Lerona just laughs.

"I know you don't like him. You're a pretty harsh judge of character, you know that?"

"I have a very narrow and specific set of people I tolerate spending time with." She shrugs, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "I don't like to waste time on fools."

"You waste time on me." Lerona smiles, prodding her.

Neko can't help the smile that spreads across her face. "You're not a fool. It's not a waste to spend time with you."

"Really?" She asks, eyes bright.

Neko nods. "I like spending time with you. A lot, actually."

"Huh." Lerona grins, smiling like she'd never even suspected Neko might actually enjoy her company. "That's— thanks. I like spending time with you a lot too."

"Obviously. I'm awesome." Neko smiles as Lerona laughs, head thrown back and eyes crinkled and happy beyond the one joke. 

It makes Neko's heart turn over in her chest, watching the other woman be so openly happy. She's so happy it's infectious, bright and warm and full of life. Neko can't stop herself from mirroring Lerona's smile even once the moment has settled into a comfortable quiet, and Neko finds herself thinking that maybe this is what love feels like.

She settles into her new relationships. Establishes a schedule, almost, going to work, going to the graveyard, spending time with Lerona, texting with Jake now that they're friends. It's nice. It's the closest Neko has felt to actually being happy since she moved to New York, even if she has to push down the part of her deep in her mind that keeps telling her how temporary this all is.

Lerona is going to move on. Soon, too, if Neko has anything to do with it, which she will. She's already waited so long. It's not fair for someone as wonderful as her to be suffering in purgatory.

It isn't until she wakes up alone in a cold bed after dreaming about Lerona kissing her softly under the light of the moon that she realises how utterly fucked she really is.

It's less of a groundbreaking oh moment than it is a building realization; what feels like the natural progression of feelings she's been having since that first day she'd stopped by the graveyard. Of course. It was always going to happen like this; she always has to ruin a good thing, always has to want what she can't have. She doesn't want to ruin Lerona's chance at freedom just because her heart flutters when she thinks about her too much.

It’s— complicated, for sure. She’s not sure what’s crazier; that she’s fallen for a ghost, or that she’s fallen for a woman. It’s certainly not what she ever expected for herself.

She needs to talk about it, but she can’t bring it up to anyone without sounding like her break up with Jake has sent her on a downward spiral so deep she’s seeing ghosts.

She calls the only person she knows who is crazy enough to take her seriously.

Emily Dolphin is a surprisingly reliable friend, once you get past her whole... deal. She’s far too horny for her own good, and also completely unaware of other people's personal space, but she also cares, which is more than can be said about most of the people in this fucking city.

"You fucking bitch!" She squeals when she notices Neko approaching her, jumping up from the table and running over to pull her into a hug. "You look so fucking hot, I'm obsessed with you."

She doesn't answer, because she doesn't have to; it's best to just let Emily get through all the shit she wants to say before Neko even attempts to talk about what's going on with her. Emily tugs her over to the table that already has coffee and pastries ready for them, a cute outdoor patio style with an umbrella in the middle, and she kicks their chairs closer together, so she can lean in to talk to her.

"You won't believe how hot it is being engaged. My life is basically a twenty four seven fuck fest right now. Have you been reading my Google plus updates about it? They keep getting taken down for 'violating the terms of service' or whatever the fuck, it's so fucking annoying. The fucking bitches at Google hate to see a powerful woman winning. Enough about me and my sexy life, though. What is going on with you, my favorite bridesmaid?"

Neko nods, even though she literally does know what it's like to be engaged, and was up until extremely recently. "It's complicated."

"Oh my god," she grins, leaning in closer, "are you and Jake getting back together?"

"No." She says, and purposefully ignores Emily's eye roll. "Jake and I are permanently over romantically."

"Aw, I'm sorry," she shrugs, picking at her croissant, "he's really hot. That sucks."

"It's fine, I'm over Jake." She says, and realizes for the first time that it's actually close to true. She is over Jake, or something close to that. She thinks she knows what he was talking about with Lerona; that the love hasn't gone away, but it's changed shape, something softer and blunter and easier to stomach. She still cares about him, but she's not still hoping for him to change his mind and come running back to her.

That's good personal growth, she supposes. 

Emily watches her face, grinning. "You slut! You already have someone else, don't you?"

"No."

"You're lying, I can tell." She smirks, leaning in close and taking another sip of her coffee. "Spill, bitch. I wanna hear everything."

She thinks over her words carefully. She's just got to rip off the band aid. "She's a ghost."

Emily nods, considering. "Is she hot?"

"Yes?" 

"Nice." She smirks, and Neko furrows her eyebrows. "How's it going?"

"She's a ghost," Neko stresses, shaking her head, "a literal, real life ghost."

Emily just blinks at her, undeterred. "Does that make it hard?"

"Yes, that makes it hard, Emily. She's fucking dead."

"Shit, that's a bummer." Emily shakes her head, taking another bite of her pastry. "Can you even fuck a ghost, or are they like, incorporeal?"

"She's corporeal." Neko mumbles, and Emily's face lights back up.

"Then you absolutely can fuck, right?

"Probably?" 

"So what's the problem?" Emily shrugs, taking a sip of her coffee like this was a totally normal conversation.

Neko bites her lip. This seemed like a much bigger problem when she was catastrophizing alone in her room last night, but even so, she knows there's more weight to the problems involved in loving a ghost than this. Emily has a tendency to see relationships as easy, which is not something Neko has ever felt, but when she puts it like that, it does seem— possible.

"She's trapped here. It's purgatory, she needs to move on—"

"But if she's trapped here then she can't move on, right? So you might as well make the most of it and bang her. It's not like it's any better being trapped and being miserable."

"I can't—" She lowers her voice, looking around to check that they hadn't attracted the attention of any other patrons, "I can't bang her, Emily. She lives in a graveyard."

"Oh, like you've never had sex in a graveyard before," Emily rolls her eyes, "don't act so high and mighty."

"I'm not doing that, Emily."

"Okay, you boring biatch. If you're too pussy to fuck her, then just take her out!"

Neko takes another sip of her coffee. "I can't take her anywhere. She can't leave the graveyard."

"Then take her out to the graveyard. Bring the date to her." She sighs, leaning her hand on her hand and staring off wistfully. "That sounds so romantic. Murph did the same thing for me when we first started dating. I was under house arrest, long story, and I was stuck in this basement—"

"That's actually a pretty good idea," Neko nods, hoping Emily doesn't pick up on her obvious attempt to get her to stop telling that story, "I could do that."

"You can totally do it. Ghost romance is in," she takes another bite of her pastry, gesturing with it in her hand, "my cousin has this friend, Vanessa, she's such a fucking bitch and she owes me like, eight hundred dollars, who's totally married to a ghost."

"She's married to a ghost?"

Emily shrugs. "That's what she says. I mean, she could just be full of shit, I don't know, but she says it's easy."

"It's easy?"

"Of course it's easy. If you let it be."

Neko rolls her eyes. "You always say that about dating. How is it easy? How do you never seem to have any problems?"

"I mean, there are problems, obviously, right?" She smiles like it's obvious. "Life is full of problems. Life is, like, just one big long problem. But love is, like, problem antivenom. It might not fix whatever the fuck you're going through, but it makes hurt less."

Neko furrows her eyebrows. "Antivenom is supposed to fix it, though. You're thinking of painkillers."

"Hm— no, I'm pretty sure I'm thinking of antivenom. It, like, stops snake bites from hurting."

"No, it stops snake bites from killing you. It actually hurts quite a lot." 

"It hurts?" She gasps, way more shocked than the situation warrants. "Just, like, a little sting though, right?"

Neko shakes her head. "No, I'm pretty sure it really fucking hurts. A lot."

"Oh my fucking god, okay, fuck," she stands up hurriedly, slams her coffee and then grabs the last few bites of her pastry, throwing her bag over her shoulder, "I need to go talk to Murph, immediately, I'll talk to you soon, love you, bye!"

She quickly kisses Neko's cheek as she brushes past her, and then disappears off into the city crowd before Neko can even ask her what the fuck she's talking about.

Neko thinks about what Emily said, the idea of bringing the date to her. She still doesn't know if it's a good idea, really, there are already too many messy feelings involved in their dating pool, but even if Lerona doesn't feel the same, and even if she is going to move on soon, she deserves to have something nice. Neko wants to make her happy, just because she deserves to be happy, even if it is a minefield for Neko's own ever growing feelings.

Lerona deserves to smile more than she does, and if Neko can help her, then she has to.

It's a beautiful day for December in New York. Dry and cold, with a thin layer of frost still dusting every outside surface. Neko smiles to herself as she heads towards the graveyard, arms heavy with her basket.

Lerona smiles when she sees her, eyes gleaming bright in the midday winter sun, and gestures quizzically to the basket Neko is holding. "What's that for?"

"You said you wanted a picnic." She sets the basket down gently on the ground, pulling out the blanket and spreading it. "There's no time like the present, right?"

She launches herself at Neko, pulling her into a hug. "This is so sweet, Neko. I can't believe this."

"Believe it." She smiles, and sits down, starting to pull the food and plates out of the basket.

Lerona just keeps standing there, watching her in awe. "You did this for me?"

"Of course," she shrugs, "you deserve it."

Lerona's eyes go wide, and she bites her lip, awestruck. "I don't even know what to say."

"Don't say anything, just sit." Neko gestures to the space next to her on the picnic blanket, patting it gently with one hand while she pulls out a bottle of wine with the other one. "Sit, and eat, and drink, and let's just have a good time, you and me."

She nods, a soft smile on her face, and sits down next to Neko, reaching out to accept the wine glass Neko was offering her. Her eyes don't leave Neko the whole time; Neko fills Lerona's glass, and then her own, and then starts to unwrap some of the food, serving it up. When Neko meets Lerona's eyes again, she's holding out her glass towards Neko's.

"Let's toast."

"Sure," Neko smiles, lifting her glass, "to what?"

"To you." Lerona clinks their glasses together, before taking a sip. "For this, and for everything."

"And to you," Neko adds, moving to tap her glass against Lerona's again, "for— for everything. More than you know."

Lerona grins, and downs her glass of wine in one, and Neko laughs. 

"Slow down. I don't know if ghosts can get drunk, but even if they can't, I'm sure you could manage it."

"There's a first time for everything," she says with a wink, and reaches for the bottle again.

She refills her glass just as Neko passes her a plate with half a sandwich and some pasta salad on it, and she starts eating it happily, eagerly sipping wine and enjoying the picnic. Neko just watches her, sipping on her own drink. She's beautiful like this; eyes soft and bright, unburdened by the horrors of an afterlife spent in limbo. It makes Neko's heart hurt for her, thinking about how often she sees Lerona with that far off look in her eyes as she talks about her unfinished business, how rarely she gets to see that soft look on her face when someone does something kind for her. She doesn't want to lose this perfect moment by being too caught up in the past and the future, but it's hard to put it to the back of her mind, even though she tries. She wants this to be perfect for Lerona. She deserves that.

Lerona is halfway through her plate before Neko can even realize she's just been watching her, but she smiles when she meets Neko's eye.

"So," she starts, casually, "Amir mentioned you and Jake went out."

Neko nods, noticing how awkward Lerona seems to be to bring it up. "Jake and I went for a drink, and sort of cleared the air about the breakup. We are one hundred percent over now."

"Oh, that's great!" Lerona smiles, leaning over to bump their shoulders together.

"Yeah," Neko smiles, "It's better now, at least for me. I think it's better for him too."

"I'm happy for you guys. I want you both to be happy."

Neko smiles into her glass of wine. "Thanks. I'm not tearing myself up over everything that happened with Jake anymore. I still love him, and I still want what's best for him, but it's different now. I'm not holding out hope for our wedding anymore, at least."

"That's awesome." She leans over to grab another cookie, and takes a bite, eyes slipping closed with the feeling. "Oh my god, this is so good."

"I didn't make it," Neko says, because she doesn't want to give the wrong impression, "I'm a terrible baker."

Lerona laughs. "I should teach you sometime, I used to love baking. Jake showed me how to make these cookies that were absolutely incredible."

"I'd like that." Neko can feel her smile, unable to keep her face cool while Lerona was looking at her with such happiness and excitement.

"So..." She starts, taking another bite of her cookie and looking away, and if Neko didn't know any better, she'd say she was blushing, "now that there's no more Jake, have you got your eye on anyone new?"

"I don't know," Neko starts, unsure, "I was in love with Jake, but then that didn't work out, and now— I don't know. Love is hard."

Lerona shrugs. "It can be. Love for me has always been so complicated. I hope one day it can be simple. To just love and be loved, you know?"

She nods, because Neko can understand that. "Did you love Jake? Or did you love Amir?"

“I loved them both,” she sighs, tracing patterns into the grass, “I handled it badly.”

“You didn’t know you were going to die.”

She nods. “I know, but still. I wish I’d— I don’t know. I knew, even then, that it wasn’t really about me. Everything with Jake and Amir is about Jake and Amir. I tricked myself into thinking I could be a part of it, but I think I was doomed from the second I fell in love.”

Neko shakes her head. “Don’t say that—”

“It’s true.” Her eyes are watery with tears, and Neko marks that down on the growing list of things she knows about ghosts; they can still cry. “I knew it back then, too. I let myself get stuck in the middle and I liked it, because I loved them and I loved feeling important, and look where it got me.”

She kicks at the ground, frustrated, and a single tear rolls down her cheek. She squeezes her eyes closed and takes a deep breath, and Neko knows she’s trying to stop herself from crying. She’s used that move herself a few too many times.

“I think maybe I deserved it.” She says, and the tears start rushing down her cheeks. “Like this is my karma or something. Somewhere between punishment for breaking Amir’s heart and divine vengeance for ever thinking I mattered enough to come between Jake and Amir. The unstoppable force and the immovable object. I was always gonna end up on the outside."

"That's not your fault." Neko says, and she grabs Lerona's hand. "Listen to me. You did not deserve it. You're a person, Lerona. It doesn't matter what your role in their bullshit was. You didn't deserve to get hit by a bus and die."

She shakes her head, and refuses to meet Neko's eyes. "That's not how it feels. It feels like I'm being punished. I wish I could move on. I wish I could leave this fucking graveyard. I'm so tired of spending every day here on my own. The only thing that makes it worth anything is—"

She cuts herself off, finally raising her head to meet Neko's eyes, and she's so close, and she's so pretty, and she still has the brightest eyes Neko has ever seen.

Inappropriate timing, she chastises herself, closing her eyes and shaking her head, she’s pouring her fucking heart out to you, dont be an asshole.

“The only thing that makes it worth it is getting to see you.”

Neko opens her eyes just in time to see Lerona surge forward and kiss her.

She doesn't even think about it; just threads her fingers in Lerona's soft hair and kisses her back, trying to show her the depth of her feelings she can't convey with words. She can feel her heart thundering in her chest, the feeling climbing up her throat and leaving her breathless, and she wonders if Lerona can feel it, too. She feels so warm and soft and real it's hard to believe Neko ever doubted it, hands tugging at her like she's desperate to commit the feel of her to memory. Lerona kisses her like she's drowning, and Neko holds on, kissing her back just as fiercely, hands tracing the contours of her body of their own accord.

Neko isn't sure how long passes before she pulls away, breathless, Lerona chasing her lips like she can't stand for them to be apart. Neko knows how she feels; the undeniable truth that once this moment is over, it becomes complicated, another puzzle for them to have to solve, rather than just staying like this as long as possible, feeling the warmth of each other's skin. 

Lerona blushes, and kisses her way down Neko's neck, and when she speaks Neko can feel the words on her skin. "Sorry if I made it weird."

The laugh bubbles out of Neko before she can even think to stop it, catching her off guard, but she smiles anyway, pushing Lerona's hair behind her ear. 

"Don't worry," Neko hums, the rustling of the trees around them almost louder than her words, "you didn't. You couldn't."

"I'm sorry," she looks her in the eye again, and the confidence seems to leave her, shrinking back like she's come to her senses, "I shouldn't have done that."

"No, it's—"

"I am sorry. I shouldn't have pounced on you like that. You know, it's just been so long since I've kissed anyone." She says, looking down, and Neko nods, trying not to let it hurt.

"It's fine, I understand." Neko pushes a piece of hair back behind Lerona's ear and smiles, hoping and praying that she doesn't look as torn up as she feels in the moment. "It's okay. Honestly. It doesn't have to mean anything."

"You're my best friend." She says, abruptly. "You know that, right? You're my best friend."

Neko smiles, nodding slowly. "You're my best friend. I just want you to be happy."

She smiles, reaching out her hand to squeeze Neko's. She still sat extremely close, but Neko doesn't mind, even after everything that just happened. "I am happy. This was— this was magical Neko, t'was like a dream. You're so kind and thoughtful, even if you hide it under all these spiky, bitchy layers for some reason."

Neko laughs. It's too true for her or really be offended by it, and Lerona is looking at her so earnestly that she knows she's being honest. "Thank you. I think. At least I'm not such a bitch that I'm not helping you get out of purgatory."

Lerona laughs, huffing a sigh like she's just realizing something. "I think—" she starts, obviously unsure, but Neko puts a gentle hand on her elbow, steadying her. "Speaking of that, of— I think I'm ready to sort out my business. I think I know what I have to do."

Neko's eyes go wide in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah." Lerona nods, eyes downcast. She looks serious for a long moment, and Neko can see that she's thinking hard about something. "I have to forgive Jake."

"Oh," Neko mutters, quietly, watching her closely. She looks so guilty, and Neko isn't sure why, but this has clearly been weighing on her. "Why?"

"I've been holding onto all this anger towards him, mostly because I'm so angry at myself, and it's easier to tell myself that it's all Jake's fault, even though I know it isn't." She looks up at the moment to meet Neko's eyes, and she looks so broken it makes Neko's breath catch in her throat. "It's been eating me up inside for years that I know it's not Jake's fault, not really, but I can't bring myself to accept that because—"

She cuts herself off, and Neko leans forward. "Because?"

Lerona sighs. "It's easier this way, letting Jake be the bad guy in my life, but— I dont— I don't want that, anymore. I'm so tired of hiding from the truth. I've known for a while now, that the truth is I have to forgive Jake, to his face. Make amends."

"I mean he did absolutely do some shitty stuff. You shouldn't gloss over that."

"I know," she mumbles, nodding, "but so did I. And even if he did have a hand in everything that happened, telling myself that all my problems are Jake's fault isn't fair, and I think it's the reason I'm still here. It's not Jake's fault that I left Amir for him. It's not his fault I got killed. and it's not his fault I can't move on."

Neko shakes her head. "At least a few of those things are a little bit his fault."

"I still did what I did," Lerona insists, eyes pleading, "and I owe Jake an apology for holding it against him."

"What about Amir?" Neko asks. "I might fucking hate him, but he deserves more of an apology than Jake does."

Lerona laughs, sharp and surprised, and Neko is just happy to see her smile again. "You're way too harsh on Amir. He's a really sweet guy."

She rolls her eyes. "Not in my experience."

"I owe Amir a million apologies, but I tell him everyday how sorry I am. He already knows." She shrugs, picking up her glass and taking a sip.

She watches her, unsure. Amir is— she’s never liked him, and he hates her, so it’s best to just leave it, even if so many of the people close to her seem to like him. Neko has no idea why, and seemingly no one can explain to her why he’s not been fired or arrested and thrown in jail. She’s pretty sure he spent a while trying to poison her— whether he was jealous of her and Jake or just didn’t like her, she never found out, but she’s certain he was up to something. 

Neko sighs. "So— you're making amends with Jake?"

"Yeah." Lerona nods. "I think so."

"Try not to absolve him too much," Neko says, bumping her elbow against Lerona, "he still deserves at least half of that blame."

Lerona smiles. "I will nay, don't worry. 

"Good," Neko nods, "I want the best for you guys. I think it would be good for both of you."

"Probably." She stares off into the horizon, the sun beginning to creep lower in the sky. "It's just hard, and— and scary."

Neko reaches out and takes Lerona's hand in hers, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "It is hard. Forgiving. But it also lifts a weight.

Lerona watches her, eyes sharp. "Yeah?"

Neko nods. "I've never been a big fan of talking about your feelings or letting go, but carrying around anger is so much heavier than you think it is."

She nods, considering. "Could you— could you ask Jake to come by the graveyard so we can talk?"

Neko nods, pulling out her phone. "I'll text him."

"Can it not be today, though?" she asks, smiling. "I kinda wanna finish enjoying this, just me and you."

Neko smiles, shooting off a quick text to Jake, and grabs another cookie. "Just me and you."

Neko has to forcibly push down the feelings running rampant inside her, making it impossible to sleep.

Today was a lot. The talk, the kiss, the plans. The fact that, if this works, Lerona will be gone. Permanently. In a better place, and happier, and free, which Neko has to tell herself over and over to avoid the crushing reality that she's never going to see her again. At least not until she dies, and even then— it's not like they know how the afterlife really works. Even Lerona isn't one hundred percent sure where she's going when she moves on.

She refuses to let herself cry. She's never cried over heartbreak before, not even after Jake, and she's not going to start now. It's good for Lerona to move on. She's going to a better place.

Neko should be happy for her.

Tomorrow is going to be... something. It's hard to say how it's going to go, but it has to go well. She has to focus her efforts on tomorrow being a success, and then everything else will be fine.

Everything will be fine. She tells herself that over and over and over until she finally drifts off into a restless sleep.

"Are you ready?"

Lerona sighs, brow furrowed. "As I'll ever be, I guess."

The air was still around them, even as the first few snowflakes tried their best to fall. The graveyard wasn't far from the busy streets of the city, and usually they made themselves known through car engines and truck honks and noisy pedestrians. Today, though, the city felt quieter than she had ever felt it. She wondered if it knew what they had come here to do; nature itself staging the respectful silence of a funeral procession.

They don't say much. They sit at the closest bench, watching the sky and its futile attempts at snowfall, Neko's hand wrapped protectively around Lerona's own. The air around them feels too heavy, weighing down her chest and making it hard to breathe, but she pushes on, because Lerona needs her, and she needs Lerona to be happy.

She sees him before he sees them; wrapped up tight in the scarf she gave him, hands shoved deep in his pockets. It's barely a surprise when he turns the corner and she can see Amir trailing after him, keeping pace. Of course. 

Neko is a grown woman, though, and as a functional adult can put aside her hatred for one guy to be there for the people she loves, even if she has to work not to roll her eyes when he catches sight of her and glares.

She feels Lerona's hand turn in hers, tightening her grip when she sees them approaching, and she squeezes back, hoping that it's a comforting feeling. Jake slows, like he's considering turning tail and leaving, but Amir bumps his shoulder and he keeps walking.

He comes to a stop right in front of Lerona, and finally meets her eyes.

"Jake." She says, face set, eyes stormier than Neko has ever seen them.

"Lerona." He smiles, stilted and awkward, and clears his throat like he's not sure what to do with his voice. "How— what's up? How are you doing?"

She rolls her eyes. "Bad, Jake. I'm dead."

"Well— yeah. That sucks."

"Yeah! It does suck!" She stands up from the bench so they're face to face, and Neko moves with her, if only to try and stop them from fighting. She had anticipated this being emotional, but she didn't think they'd fight. That really seems more like her and Amir's thing.

Jake shrugs, jaw set, and Neko can see his walls going up right in front of her eyes. "If you hate being dead so much you shouldn't have gotten hit by that bus!"

"That was your fault, Jake!"

"Hey! You were the one—"

Neko puts a hand up between them, cutting them off. "Stop fighting. You can't keep blaming each other as some kind of fucking defense mechanism! You both feel like shit and it's only getting worse. Talk it out."

She feels a tap on her shoulder, and turns to see Amir giving her a soft smile. "Hey, Neko. How about me and you take a quick turn around the block?"

She nods, turning back to face Jake and Lerona. "Talk it out."

Amir leads her down a street she's never been down before, leaving the graveyard well behind as they weave through the city. She would honestly rather they walk in silence; she’s not the most talkative at the best of times, and when she is she knows she usually just says something that ends up upsetting people. Amir seems to be the opposite; he treats the silence as if it were his enemy, like if they were too quiet for too long then too much reality might start to seep in. So, he talks. A lot. She mostly doesn’t listen; it seems like he’s just doing it to fill the space between them with whatever nonsense he can think of, so she lets herself tune out, eyes tracing the crowded streets and rushing people, so much that she slams into the back of Amir when he stops walking.

“Hey, woah there, buckaroo, you almost bowled me right over!” He reaches out a hand to steady her, but she swats it away. “Somebody needs to get out of their head a little.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Where are we?”

Amir shrugs, like he's already sick of dealing with her. "They're gonna need at least a cool forty five to talk out their bullshiatsu, so I figured we may as well get dinner.

Neko quirks an eyebrow. "Get dinner?"

"Yeah. Why not? You got somewhere to be?"

She thinks for a second, head tilted. Amir is the worst, but, at least for now, they share a common goal. They love the same people, which puts them tangentially on the same side. "I thought you only ate McDonalds."

Amir rolls his eyes. "Well, I thought you were an evil bitch, so maybe we’re both wrong."

She reads the driftwood sign hanging over the doorway— The Table, it proclaims, and it’s not a restaurant she’s ever heard of before, but it certainly seems pretty cool.

“I’m a—"

“Vegan, I know, don't worry, it's a vegan restaurant.”

"Why do you even know a vegan restaurant?" She asks, surprised.

He smiles. "Maybe I have hidden depths, did you ever consider that?"

"Do you?"

"Okay, well maybe Lerona sometimes likes to eat vegan food and I love her very much, so— vegan restaurant."

He leads her inside, gesturing to the waiter as they go, and he settles into a small corner booth, grabbing a menu. Neko sits opposite him, slowly, eyebrows furrowed. Trying to figure him out.

“I wish you'd stop staring at me," he says, without lifting his eyes from the menu, "I'm gonna start thinking you have a crush on me."

"Ew." She whispers before she can stop herself, and can't help the wince she makes at the realisation she said it out loud. "I mean—"

He shakes his head, finally meeting her eyes with a smirk. "Don't worry about it. You’re not really my type, anyway.”

She raises her eyebrows, scoffing. "Yeah?"

"Well, I mostly sleep with men, so— don't take it too personally."

That... makes a lot of sense, actually, now that she thinks about it. She thinks back to the other day in the bar, to all the things Jake was saying about this relationship that can never work, this man he's in love with, and she wonders how she's never noticed it before.

"Are you and Jake dating?"

"No. We're not. I know it might seem to the untrained observer that he's totally obsessively in love with me, but—"

"He is," she says, before she can stop herself enough to question if this is even a good idea, "he is in love with you."

He shakes his head. "Don't say that."

"He is."

Amir sighs, rubbing a hand over his stubble. "Look, Neko, I know things didn't work out between you two, okay, I'm sorry you had to cancel the wedding, but just because Jake didn't want to marry you, doesn't mean he's in love with me."

"But he is." She drops her menu and leans forward, trying to show Amir how serious she is. "He loves you. He's in love with you. He's making himself sick about it, and you two are going to spend your whole lives circling each other because he doesn't know how to tell you and he doesn't know how to leave."

He goes quiet for a long moment, putting down his menu completely and avoiding her eyes. "Did he— Jake told you this?"

She bites her lip, thinking back on that night. "Not in so many words, but yeah."

"Neko, what does that mean—"

"I can't tell you what he told me," she says, even though she, for all intents and purposes, already has, "but I know he loves you."

He shakes his head. "You can't know that—"

"Do you love him?"

He stops in his tracks, and she can't believe she didn't see any of this before. It's been right under her nose the entire time.

"Yeah. I do. Obviously."

"Obviously." She echoes, and shakes her head, until another thought occurs to her. “Did you love Lerona?”

“I still love Lerona. She’s incredible, and always has been.”

Neko nods, slowly. "But you're not interested in dating her?"

He shakes his head, eyebrows furrowed. "I don't love her like that anymore. It's like, we were perfect together, and I was so in love with her, but that was then. Things are different now, you know?"

"I know." She says, watching him closely while he shrugs. "Jake stole your girlfriend. Lerona left you for your best friend. How can you still say you love these people?"

He furrows his eyebrows like he doesn't understand. "Because I do. I love them."

"I don't understand you at all."

He smiles. "I just got a big ol' heart I guess."

"I've literally seen you push an old woman down the stairs."

"And I'd do it again! That old bitch deserved it."

Neko rolls her eyes, but Amir laughs, and it's the first time she's ever been around him that the atmosphere has not been dire, so she smiles along. This is easily the most civil conversation she's ever had with Amir, and while every instinct is screaming at her to bitch at him, she pushes it down, letting herself settle in and enjoy the moment.

"So," she starts, because she has to know, "you and Jake."

"Me and Jake." He sighs, leaning his head on his hand.

She knows she's prying, but she can't help herself. "How long?"

"I've loved Jake since the day I met him." 

"Yeah," she says, because duh. "Did anything ever happen with you guys?"

He's quiet for a while, brow furrowed, and she can see his brain firing, trying to decide whether to tell her or not. "...We hooked up."

"Do you even know what that means?" She asks, eyebrows quirked.

He rolls his eyes at her. "Yes I know what it means! Jake explained it to me."

"Oh." She tries not to look as surprised as she feels, but she didn't expect it. Especially after the conversation she had with Jake at the bar— it's pointless even trying, it's impossible echoes around her mind, accompanied by Jake's pained expression. "So you actually hooked up?"

"I should not fucking be telling you this," he mumbles, and Neko can see the battle he's fighting in his head, "but yeah. One time, weeks ago."

"Weeks ago?"

"Jake really freaked out afterwards." He sighs, running a hand through his hair, knocking his glasses askew. "I never should have fucking done it. I know he’s been feeling— he was curious, I guess, and I think I made it weird and ruined everything, or— not ruined, I guess, not everything, just— I couldn’t not take my only chance to be that close to him, you know? It all happened so fast that in the moment I didn't even think about how—”

He cuts himself off as the waiter walks up to their table, notepad in hand.

She lists off her order easily; a sesame soba noodle salad with extra avocado, sesame oil instead of olive oil, and no nuts. Amir is giving her a halfhearted glare the entire time, but she ignores him. He doesn't get to bitch about what she orders. He orders 'the usual', which the waiter seems to understand even if Neko still finds it hard to believe that he's ever been here before.

She remembers something Jake had said, while the waiter is leaving, about Amir's mom being in the hospital, so she puts on her best polite smile and tries to gently change the subject.

“How’s your mom?”

“She’s doing better." He says, nodding to himself. "She should be fully recovered by the end of next month, so that's— good."

She nods. He doesn't seem like he wants to talk about it, which is fine, but it also seemed like talking about Jake was stressing him out. She's not sure what else to fill the silence with, and she'd rather just eat in the quiet.

"So, what's the dealio with you and Lerona?"

Of course the silence couldn't last.

"What 'dealio'?" She asks, though she has a feeling he already knows. 

"Right, yeah. Sure thing." He smirks, and Neko is overwhelmed with the old urge to punch him in the face. "Seems to me like there's a little something a-brewin' between you a-two-in'."

"She needed a friend."

"Come on, I told you about me and Jake, you owe me now."

"I don't owe you anything."

"Sure you do," he says, like it's obvious, "that's how conversations work, I confessed something about me, now it's time for you to confess something about you. On a topic of my choice, of course."

Neko scoffs. "Absolutely not, you disgusting freak. I can't believe I almost thought you were an okay guy."

"No, okay, I'll be chill, I promise. I really wanna know." He's practically shaking, hands raised nervously. "Lerona seemed—"

"What did she say to you about me?"

"More than you had to say about her." He says, nodding like he feels like he's back to having the upperhand in the conversation. "She doesn't know how you feel about her."

She furrows her eyebrows, thinking. She knows she loves Lerona, no matter how unsure she was about the other girl's feelings, but she never meant to make her question if Neko cared for her. Of course she does.

"It's not that easy," she says after a long pause, "she's a ghost. There are practical concerns that make things complicated."

The waiter returns to their table, places their meals in front of them, and she eyes Amir's plate, skeptically. 

He's already started eating when he looks back up at her, mouth full. "Wha?"

"Are those chicken nuggets?"

"No," he swallows hard, washing it down with a gulp of his soda, "I don't know what they are, but as long as they're nuggy, I'm happy."

She shakes her head, picking up her own fork and taking a bite of her salad. It's pretty good. She'll have to remember this place.

"Don't think I'm letting this change the subject," Amir grins, mouth still full of nuggets, "because what you were saying was bullshiat."

"You're disgusting, close your mouth." She says, shaking her head. "How is that bullshit? She's a ghost, that means she needs to move on. She should move on, I've been helping her do it, I can't let my feelings get in the way and put her in a difficult position."

"Well, what if something beautiful happened?"

She scoffs. "Something beautiful? Even if she feels the same, then it's just an imminent heartbreak waiting to happen. She's so close to not being trapped here anymore. Or, even worse, she'll choose to stay here, in some fucked up last stand of heroism."

"Huh," he sighs, deflating, "that's fucked up."

Neko laughs, short and bitter. "Yeah. That's the tragedy of it all, I guess. We were always doomed. We were doomed from the second I set foot in that graveyard, no matter how she feels about me."

"She loves you," he says, "and that does matter."

She shakes her head. "It doesn't change anything—"

"It does!" He slams his fists against the table, and it shocks Neko into silence. "Love always matters, okay? It's like— it's like, basically the only thing that matters. And— and— and— and maybe it's hard, sometimes, or maybe it's easy, but, that— that doesn't mean it's not important, or that it doesn't matter, it's— it's— love is the most important thing, right?"

Neko shakes her head. "It mostly feels like love keeps screwing me over. Maybe I only have the capacity to love people it can never work out with."

"Enough. Absolutely enough. You need to talk to Lerona. About— about everything, it's— it's— you've decided that something can never work, without even talking to Lerona about trying, and—"

"And how is that any different from what you and Jake are doing?"

He frowns. "How do you figure?"

"It's exactly the same. The only difference is that you and Jake actually have a chance. You're just too scared of what might happen if you actually admitted to each other that you could be together."

"I am. Scared, I mean." He says, quietly, and his face looks as serious as she's ever seen him, even while he continues to put nuggets in his mouth. "I want Jake to want to be with me. More than anything, I want Jake to love me, I wish he did, I wish I didn't have to— to— to— force him to be around me every day. I want Jake so bad, but I don't just wanna be the guy that's there, you know? Like, 'oh, I'm Jake and I'm having gay thoughts, I should french my gay friend who's always there'. I don't know. Maybe that's stupid."

"It is." She smirks, finishing up her salad. "He loves you."

"And Lerona loves you. No weird mumbo jumbo excuses you make up are gonna change that, okay? Love is more powerful than excuses."

She smirks. "Maybe you're not as stupid as everybody thinks you are." 

Amir narrows his eyes. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you skinny bitch?"

"Are they crying?"

Neko smiles when she sees them, Jake and Lerona leaning against each other, tears running down both their faces.

"Okay, this is closer to what I was expecting."

Amir walks straight up to them, not respecting other people's personal moments as per usual, but places a gentle hand on Jake's shoulder, looking down at him with softness in his eyes. "You guys good?"

Jake looks to Lerona, and she nods, smiling, wiping her eyes. "I think so."

"Yeah," Jake nods, smiling back, "I think so, too."

Lerona stands up, pulling Jake into a hug, and he holds her tight, looking lighter. She's smiling like she feels better, and Neko really hopes she does, even as the feeling of dread settles in her stomach like heavy rocks on the riverbed as she tries to avoid thinking about what happens if this has worked.

"Thank you, Jake." She mumbles into his shoulder, and he pulls back to meet her eyes.

"Thank you. I'm— I love you."

She smiles, wiping her eyes. "I love you too." 

Jake turns to face Amir, nodding like he's trying to convince himself to keep going. "Can we talk?"

He nods, looking serious, but there's hope behind his eyes. "Yeah. I'd like that."

He leans over to pull Lerona into a hug, muttering an 'I love you' into her hair, then they walk away, close enough that their shoulders brush with every step, and Neko hopes they figure their shit out. They could be so good together if they could just get on the same page.

"Do you think it worked?" She asks as she watches them walk away, unable to meet Lerona's eyes. "Do you think you've finished your business?"

"I don't know," Lerona mumbles, and Neko can feel her eyes on her, "I don't know if I'll feel it. I think I'll just move on."

Neko frowns. "So you think it didn't work?"

"There might be a delay." She says, sighs, but Neko can tell there's something else she's holding back.

"What is it?" She asks, looking up into Lerona's eyes. Her eyes are so bright and piercing and beautiful and Neko tries to focus on helping her. "What are you thinking?"

Lerona bites her lip, but moves closer. "There's something else, maybe. Another matter of unfinished business."

Neko closes her eyes. "Lerona..."

"Neko, I—" She cuts herself off, breath catching, and when Neko opens her eyes she's right there, again, a sense of déjà vu settling over her, hoping against hope for something she can't have. 

"I love you, Lerona," she says, because this has always been about helping her move on, fuck Neko's feelings, "I love you, I love you so fucking much, and I hate that I want you to stay, because you deserve to move on. After everything, it's you. That's the truth. That's my unfinished business, and maybe hearing it will—"

"I love you too," she says, rushing forward and pulling Neko into a kiss, "I love you, I love you, I've loved you and I will love you."

Neko grabs onto her, her only lifeline in the swirling storm of emotion; holding her close and memorizing the feeling of her warm lips against her own. The warmth of her is startling against the chill in the air, and Neko chases that feeling against her skin, the buzzing heat running through her and setting her extremities alight like electricity through a circuit.

"I love you," she whispers, kissing the words into Nekos lips, "I love you, I love you—"

"I love you too," Neko threads her fingers with Lerona's, holding her close, "what should we do?"

"Let's go."

"What?" Neko asks, eyebrows raised. "Go where?"

"Anywhere." Lerona laughs, smiling wider than Neko has ever seen. "Just go, let's just go and get out of here and see if maybe the laws of the afterlife are sick and tired of keeping me here."

"Okay," Neko nods, smiling, pulling Lerona along by their intertwined hands, "let's go."

"Hey," Lerona says, fingers catching her wrist and spinning her around as she leans up to place a gentle kiss on Nekos cheek, "one for the road."

Neko leans into the touch, closing her eyes, savoring the moment as much as possible.

When she opens her eyes, Lerona is gone.

Her heart is gone, but life goes on.

Or at least, it has to. So, she does what she always does; she pushes it down and she keeps moving forward, because she doesn't have another option. She works, and she helps Emily plan her wedding, and if she takes a few too many detours through the graveyard to get home then nobody has to know. 

She doesn't cry. She doesn't let herself break down, even late at night when she can't think of anything else. It's hard. It's a difficult time of year regardless, being away from her family for the holidays and fighting against the lengthening darkness through the days, but now her every waking moment feels haunted by the memory of her time with Lerona. She misses her the way a plane misses its engine; she feels empty, like she's hurtling towards the ground, falling out of the sky and unable to slow down. It hurts, and it's hard, and she feels Lerona's absence from her life so potently it's impossible to ignore, the feeling gnawing at her, like an itch she can't scratch.

December continues to drag on, the air getting colder and the frost getting more opaque and Neko can't help but feel like the warmth has left her life in more ways than one.

"What do you think of this one?" Emily smiles, locking eyes with herself in the mirror as she does a twirl. It's almost identical to the last four wedding dresses Emily has tried on. They all look great, but she finds something to hate about every single one. Neko can't quite muster up the heart to care about the difference between ivory and cream right now. "Do I look hot?"

"Yes," Neko says, absently, staring down at her phone, "you look hot."

Emily watches her in the mirror for a second, eyes narrowed, before turning around to face her. "You're not even paying attention to me. This sucks."

"I never was before," she says, and Emily gasps, "why does it matter to you now?"

Emily practically falls onto the couch next to her, the skirt of her elaborate dress spilling all around her and into Neko's lap. "You've been such a boring bitch ever since your girlfriend, like, ascended to the astral plane or whatever."

"She wasn't my girlfriend," Neko shakes her head, gazing out the window, "and that's not what happened."

"Still. I'm worried about you. You seem, like— and don't take this the wrong way— but you seem, like, almost kinda sad?"

"Yeah." Neko laughs, short and bitter, because she isn't sure what else to do. "I am sad. obviously."

"I literally thought so." Emily nods, smiling to herself. "I'm kind of an empath."

"Just because I'm sad doesn't mean what happened wasn't for the best. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to."

"Oh," Emily says, head tilted in confusion, "then why are you so upset?"

She shakes her head. "I let myself get my heart broken. Again. It's my own fault. I never should have gotten my feelings involved."

"You don't choose when your feelings are involved," she shrugs, like it's obvious, "it's nice that you guys loved each other, and it's sad that she's, like, turned into a star or whatever now, but that doesn't mean it's not good to have loved, right? It's always good to love, even if it's sad. That's what I think, anyway."

Neko smiles, shaking her head. "She didn't turn into a star."

"What did happen? I think maybe I wasn't paying attention to that part of the story, because I feel like I've tried all the reasonable options and you keep shooting them down."

Neko scoffs. "She— she went to heaven. Probably."

Emily raises an eyebrow. "Probably?"

"Yeah— yes. She escaped purgatory so that means she probably went to heaven, or—" Neko cuts herself off before she can even entertain the notion that her spirit is just gone.

Emily seems unfazed. "So, if she went to heaven, but she could only go to heaven after she did a bunch of stuff, then who decides how much stuff she has to do to get in?"

"What?"

"Like, if there's a quota, or whatever, who decides when you hit the quota?"

"It's— no one, it just— you just get to go."

"But why can you go then and not before?" She asks, eyebrows furrowed. "Like, okay, why couldn't she go six months ago?"

"Because she had unfinished business that was— burdening her soul, or something."

"But like, says who, though?"

Neko slumps back, thinking. "I don't know."

"So she could have turned into a star!" Emily smiles, fist pumping the air, and the whole thing is so absurd that it actually makes Neko laugh for the first time in a while. 

Emily stumbles off the couch, nearly tripping over the long skirt of her wedding dress, and moves to face the mirror again. "Let's get back to it. This dress isn't gonna say yes to itself."

Neko smiles and watches her spin. She might be weird, but Emily is a good friend.

The bar is just as crowded as it has been every time she's been here, a healthy gathering of people mulling around, but it's not so busy that she can't see Jake waving her over to their usual table. She hadn't exactly been expecting the "hey, you busy tonight?" text she'd received from him a little earlier, but she was relieved to see him looking happy.

She sits down and Jake slides a drink in front of her.

"Hey!" He smiles, raising his beer to her. She lifts the drink to clink it against his, taking a sip. “How're you?"

"Better, now that I have a drink." She takes another drink, and Jake laughs.

"I'll bet. Well, drink up, because we're celebrating."

"We are?" She asks, eyebrow raised. "Don't tell me you called me out here for a Christmas drink."

"No, it's not— I mean we can, if you want, but this isn't about that." He smiles, and takes a long sip of his drink, fingers messing with the label. "It's about— it's about Amir. It's about me, I guess, actually, or me and Amir. We're— we're dating, I guess. I don't know. It still feels kind of weird to talk about."

"That's great, Jake." She smiles, pulling Jake into a hug. "I'm happy for you guys. Even though you definitely could do better."

Jake laughs, hugging her back tightly. When he pulls away, his eyes are soft. "Thanks. Amir said you, uh— you guys talked, and I wanted to say thank you. For, I don't know, talking some sense into us, I guess. You were right."

"Of course." She laughs, and Jake smiles. "As always."

"Sure." Jake laughs, shaking his head and sipping his beer. "It's been a crazy few weeks. If you'd told me this time last month that— that I'd have a boyfriend—", his voice dips down quiet on the word, like he's still getting used to saying it out loud, "I wouldn't believe it. But I do, and it's mostly thanks to you and Lerona."

She smiles, and tries not to show the way her heart clenches at the mention of Lerona's name. "Don't sell yourself short, Jake. You and Amir did most of the work. We just helped."

He nods, solemnly. "Amir told me, by the way. About Lerona moving on. It's— are you okay?"

She shrugs. "I don't know."

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

She shakes her head, putting her glass down on the table. "It's okay. Not talking about it is almost as bad as talking about it. At least this way it feels real, like I didn't just make up the whole thing in my head."

Jake nods, downing the rest of his bottle. "I understand that. When Lerona died, it was— I felt like I was losing my mind. I felt so bad and I couldn't even talk about it because it was my fault."

"It wasn't—"

"It's okay," he smiles, shaking his head, "I talked to Lerona about it. It's— I'm never gonna forget, but I can move on. She could, too."

Neko nods, but her eyes are stormy. "I know. It's for the best, she was... stuck here, in that graveyard. At least she's free now."

"And you?" He asks, head tilted. "Are you still thinking about leaving?"

She thinks about it. She thinks about her family, back in Japan, and her friends, about them sending her pictures of all their holiday gatherings and getting to be together, and she misses them. There's so much heartache here, in New York, so many sad memories; but she thinks about Emily, and how she's fucking insane but somehow always knows what to say to her, and she thinks about Jake and how he knows what she likes almost as well as she does, and always gets her a drink so it's ready when she gets here. She thinks about Amir, and how he's maybe not so bad when he tries.

She thinks about Lerona, and how much she loved New York, and how much she loved these people, and how much Neko loved her.

"I think I'm gonna stay. At least, for now. There's too many things I'd miss if I left."

Jake grins, and she knows he can tell she's not just talking about the city. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiles back, finishing the last of her own drink and gesturing over to the bar. "I'll get the next round."

Jake laughs, nodding as she stands to head to the bar. "I can't stay out that late. I have a boyfriend to go home to now."

"I wouldn't want to keep you from your boyfriend, Jake." She laughs, rolling her eyes. "One more drink, then we'll head out."

Jake nods. "Sure. One more drink."

Neko isn't sure what time it is when she stumbles back into her apartment. She would have crashed at Jake's, again, but now that he and Amir are together she doesn't want to be in their way. She has a feeling they're going to want some privacy.

She pulls out her phone, shooting off a quick text to Jake to let him know she made it home okay, and reaches around for the light switch, the usual darkness of her apartment harder to navigate than ever after however many drinks they'd ended up having. She finds the switch and squints against the bright light, reaching for her sunglasses and sliding them onto her face, eyes still adjusting. She drops her keys into their place, a little bowl just past the entryway, and sets about grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen, hoping it will sober her up enough to take the edge off her inevitable headache tomorrow.

She's not far past tipsy, so her hands are still mostly steady as she grabs a glass, holding it under the stream of water from the kitchen faucet. She takes a long drink, closing her eyes, and tries to ignore the thoughts tugging at the edge of her mind about all the things waiting for her attention.

"Sup?"

The alcohol running through her veins dulls her reactions enough that the glass slips through her fingers in shock, but not so much that it slows her grabbing a knife from the block on her counter and turning to come face to face with whoever has broken into her apartment.

“Woah! Don’t stab me, I can still bleed out!”

It takes her a full ten seconds to process what she’s seeing.

It’s Lerona.

Standing right in front of her, in her apartment, hands up in surrender.

“Uh— hi?”

The knife clatters to the floor, and she rushes forward, crushing her into a hug, and Lerona hugs her back, grabbing handfuls of her sweater and pulling her even closer. She pulls back to look at her, to make sure she's really there and not just some fucked up figment of Neko's imagination, and her eyes are even brighter than she remembers, shining with tears and so soft with emotion that it's almost overwhelming. When Lerona leans forward, kissing her with more passion than Neko has ever felt, she feels alive, for the first time since Lerona left.

She can barely breathe enough to say anything, head still swimming. "You came back."

"I did." Lerona nods, and kisses her hard.

"But— what if you can't—"

“I can travel between,” she mutters, like it's their secret, “I can come back. This doesn't have to be the end.”

"I don't want it to be the end," Neko gasps, shaking her head, "but I don't want you stuck down here. I don't want you trapping your own soul in limbo just for—"

"Love?"

“I love you.” She says, because it feels like the only thing that matters.

"I love you too."

"And it's worth an eternity of purgatory?"

“It's worth whatever it takes.” She smiles, and pulls Neko into another kiss. “But I can travel between. I can go where you go.”

“How?” Neko leans her forehead against Lerona's, feeling the tears she's been holding back finally fall down her cheeks.

"Because you're my heart. What's a soul without a heart?"

She kisses her again, leaning forward just to feel the warm press of Lerona's lips against hers to remind her that she's real, and she's here. She's here and she loves her and Neko loves her too, fiercely and undoubtedly.

Her head is swirling, the alcohol and the adrenaline and the pure elation leaving her lightheaded, the moment lingering somewhere between dream and reality. She leans her forehead against Lerona's and closes her eyes, breathing her in, trying to hold onto the moment.

"I hope this is real," she mutters, and Lerona laughs, "I wish I hadn't had so much to drink."

"Don't worry about it, you can sleep it off," she smiles, thumb caressing Neko's cheek, pulling her towards the door leading through to her bedroom, "we have all the time in the world."

The rays of sunlight streaming in from between the blinds burn at her eyes, the edge of a headache just about ringing in her mind. It takes her a few minutes to remember; the hangover isn't bad, but it's distracting enough that she spends a while just taking stock, running through the events of last night in her head. Talking to Jake, drinking with Jake, coming home, grabbing a glass of water, and then...

"Hey there, sleepy head."

It was real. Last night, Lerona, she— she’s here, laying next to her, between Neko's bedsheets, and she's real, and Neko shifts forward, pressing her lips against Lerona’s just to feel her.

Lerona laughs, pulling Neko closer against her, sheets rustling between them. “Hm, good morning.”

“How are you here?” Neko asks, lacing their fingers together.

Lerona shrugs. “The power of love?”

“What?” Neko laughs. “How?”

“It’s a whole thing. If you really love someone, you can come back. Love finds a way.”

"'Love finds a way'? Isn't that a little cliche?" 

"Maybe, but it's true." She smiles, fingers coming up to thread in Neko's hair. "And apparently it's way more common than you think."

Neko laughs, but Lerona smiles like she's serious. "Wait— really?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to mention it last night, at the time, because it kinda felt like it stepped on the toes of our moment, but ghost romance is like, all over the place."

She thinks back to Emily's cousin's friend, the way she'd spoken about them. Of course it's easy, if you let it be.

“So,” Neko starts, mind whirling, “what now?”

Lerona smiles, brushing her cheek with her thumb. “Whatever we want. The world is my oyster now.”

“What do you want to do?” Neko pulls away for a second to grab the glass of water off her bedside table, taking a long drink while Lerona watches her. When she moves back, Lerona is even closer than she was before, stretching in the sunbeam like a cat.

“I don’t know. Everything, I guess. I wanna go everywhere and see everything.” She laughs, and she looks so happy and light and beautiful that Neko kisses her again, the feeling still thrilling, her body alight everywhere Lerona is touching her. “What do you wanna do?”

Neko watches her, her eyes shining in the morning light pouring in through the window, and sighs, content. She links their hands together again, pulling Lerona closer so they’re face to face, eyes so bright they take Neko’s breath away, and she smiles.

“I want to do whatever you want to do, as long as we’re together.”

“Yeah?” Lerona grins, leaning forward to kiss her. “Well, what about right now? What do you wanna do now?”

Neko kisses her again, smiling enough that it makes Lerona laugh, but she threads her fingers in her hair and pulls her closer anyway, and Neko is so in awe of her, of the fact that they’re here, together, that everything else melts away. She doesn’t have to worry about work, or her friends, or her family, or the state of her life because they’ve made it, and they’re here, and she feels like she can take on anything now that she has Lerona. There’s practical things to consider, but that's for later. For now there's this; and that’s all Neko wants.

The sun climbs higher in the sky as they lay there, basking in each other, and the world beyond the window may be cold and complicated, but Neko has never felt so much warmth.